KSK Solves Your Writing Strike Woes With A Bunch Of F—king Horrible Movie Ideas

11.30.07 10 years ago 97 Comments

Apparently, there’s a big writers’ strike going on in Hollywood right now. You mean there are writers who get paid? Well, what the fuck are THEY bitching about? Nick Denton pays me in Dave and Busters tokens and old packets of Sizzlean. Such bullshit.

Anyhoo, reader Mamacita was kind enough to pass along this link to Project Redlight, which is Radar magazine’s contest to pitch the worst movie idea you possibly can. Jesus, we at KSK were BORN for this contest. I myself have written no less than four terrible screenplays. One was about a fireman who gets accidentally reunited with a son of his that was born after raping a woman he rescued. It was not a comedy. You don’t want to read it.

Another one was about a boy who could fly. That one was crazy gay. Then there was my treatment for a holiday fable entitled, “The Christmas Orc”. Hey, there are elves at the North Pole. What if there were orcs too? It’s “Santa Claus: The Movie” meets “The Two Towers”! All in stop-motion animation! We could have the queer who made “Nightmare Before Christmas” do it! The dipshits at Ain’t It Cool News would write a glowing 10,000-word review of it, 9,500 of which would detail how they got to the theater!

Anyway, those ideas aside, we at KSK brainstormed some of our bestest movie ideas evar. Here is what we came up with:

-Joe Namath biopic starring Jake Gyllenhaal

-Andy Dick biopic

-“SSW: The Motion Picture”

-“Shrek the Third 2”

-10-hour documentary on the Jesus Twins

-A tennis academy full of midgets

-“Riding In Cars With Boys 2,” starring Brady Quinn

-“The Amy Winehouse Story,” starring Tracy Morgan

-Remake of “Fraternity Vacation” starring Breckin Meyer

-“The Maroon 5 Story”

-A smack addled privileged young chimp finds love in an upscale California rehab center/spa/dianetics center falls in love with Lindsay Lohan (playing herself) after a romp in the broom closet. It is the single dirtiest sex scene in cinematic history. Robin Williams and Charlize Theron are attached as the chimp’s parents.

-“Baby Geniuses 3,” starring Ted McGinley!

-“Joe Theismann’s Tourgasm”

-“Alien vs. Predator vs. Abbot vs. Costello”

-“Ron Paul’s Dracula”

-“K Street: The Motion Picture”

-Will Leitch in “Lose Ben Stein’s Money, And Your Fiancee”

-What about a pregnant lesbian that can no longer play acoustic guitar after losing her hand in a deforestation protest involving a wood chipper that has to fight for her baby’s well being atop Mt. Everest?

-“NFL Draft The Movie”

-“Don’t Tase Me Bro: the Musical”

-Another Paul Thomas Anderson film that isn’t “Boogie Nights”

-“My Life As A Teenage Assistant Manager”

-“Clint Evans: A Life”

-“Wasssssssup! The Movie!”

-“Arabian Night Rider”

-“See, my – my theory is that all the characters ARE Hamlet! It’s all happening in Hamlet’s head! So you only need ONE actor!”

-“Small Wonder: V.I.C.I. Grows Up”

-James Woods is… Pinnochio!

-A remake of “Eyes Wide Shut” (it’s been long enough!)

-Jack Nicholson, Mickey Rooney, and George Takei in “The Lemon Party”!

-“Die Hard”, on a carousel!

-Britney Spears in “Strip Tease II: Give Me Some Money And I’ll Put the Clothes Back On”

-A horror movie about Bads Newz Kennelz! It’s “Jaws” meets “Tales from the Hood”!

-“The Virgin Diaries,” a biopic centering on the life and career of AC Green. It’s “40 Year Old Virgin” meets “Basketball Diaries!”

-“The Isiah Trial.” It’s “Disclosure” meets “Asstraffic.com”!

-Modern version of “Mein Kampf” starring Bill Simmons

-”The Dickens Cider House Rules”

-Merchant-Ivory biopic. The story of how boring melodramas were made

That’s all we got. Yours in the comments.

NOTE: UM is forgoing his normal gambling post this morning to write a Sean Taylor tribute for the weekend. You’ll have to make your retarded wagers on your own.

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