Humbug! The KSK Valentine’s Day Sex & Fantasy Football Mailbag

02.14.13 5 years ago 53 Comments

SO. Valentine’s Day. I’m at a place in life where I don’t like it, but I can no longer summon the rancor to rail against it. It’s just there, every year, something to make single people feel lonely and angry, or a day to fulfill the misguided ideal of the Hollywood rom-com ending. I’m with Justin Halpern’s dad on this: if you love someone, you cherish them every day, not once a year. Valentine’s Day cheapens my notion of spontaneous romance… and yet I sent flowers to my wife’s work today. We make concessions. Love is finding the middle ground. 

On to your questions!

Dear Dick Holsters:
Fantasy first: I really have no fantasy questions at this time, as there is no acceptable fantasy sports still going. I placed seventh in all three of my leagues this year, and I am now playing fantasy basketball, which is incredibly tedious and something nobody cares about.

I’m in a fantasy basketball league. My team’s really good, and I still have a hard time caring enough to manage it.

But being that this is at least 50% a fantasy football mailbag, here’s something: Where is Larry Fitzgerald going to be drafted next season? He’s been a first round pick nearly every year and I drafted him in two leagues this year, thus the seventh place finishes. Any chance he returns to being a stud wr?

Wait to see how the QB situation plays out. I could see him returning to being a stud WR, but my guess is that he drops to the third round this year.

Not your normal threesome question: my wife and one of her friends, who is also married, have always joked about being bi-curious. We got married within a year of each other and have become really good friends since. Well a couple months back we had them over for drinks and out of the blue, the wives decided to go take a bath together. A little surprised, my buddy and I knocked back a few beers and watched some tv.

Turns out that they had acted on those notions and had some lady time fun in the tub.

As drunk bi-curious friends sharing a bath will do.

So, halfway joking, I told them to invite us guys next time. Everyone laughed, nothing came of it until last weekend. We went to their house and after some extra strong margaritas, my wife and her friend decided to give us a lingerie show, then started some girl on girl action in front of us. Awesome. It ended up turning into a fun little sex party, except for the small fact that the other guy couldn’t get it up. His wife told us later that he is insanely jealous, which likely led to the lack of enthusiasm, and she was surprised he had joined in as much as he had. But the other three of us had a great time, and it sounds like a good chance the women would be up for it again. So the question is this: do I say anything to him about it, and if so, what? Obviously I would like it to happen again, but it’s highly unlikely it would unless he was into the idea.
-cockblocked by a buddy

Yeah, uhhhh… there’s a lot going on here that could hurt your friendship and your marriages if you don’t talk about it. You and your wife need to discuss what you would and would not be down for, and your friends — especially your friends — need to have their own discussion about the same (including but not not limited to: who can penetrate whom? Who can go down on whom? Are you okay with your pal ejaculating on your wife’s chest? And so on). If your homeboy completing the foursome can’t get hard because he’s insane with jealousy, well, that’s the sort of thing that needs to be hashed out beforehand so you don’t get stabbed for refusing to switch positions.

Is it less sexy to plan out an orgy than to let it happen organically? Yes. (Or at least I assume so, having never been in an orgy.) But that’s the sort of trade-off you have to make once the legal documents of marriage get involved.


Dear Oracle of Orgasms,
FF: Do you use any advanced stats to help draft or choose starters for FF? If so, which are most meaningful in your experience?

I don’t know how far I go into “advanced” stats. I’m pretty lazy, so for the draft I’ll mostly just take the standard draft list and move guys up or down the list based on how much I like or dislike their prospects for the coming season. When it comes to picking starters, I’ll often lean on Yahoo’s projections — again, I’m lazy — but for the mailbag and my YouTube show Keepers, I’ll dig a little deeper and look up to see how specific defenses fare against TEs or WR2s or what have you. I can’t say that I have a definitive source I rely on for that, though.

Sex: I’ve been dating a great girl since last July. I’m going to a slew of weddings this summer that I’d like her to attend with me. What’s the protocol for out-of-town weddings for my friends? Should I take care of the travel costs (including her airfare)? Or is it reasonable to ask her to pay for some/all of those costs? If it matters, we have roughly similar income.
Mile High Club Hopeful

Talk it out with her. If she doesn’t know your friends who are getting married, then the onus is on you to pick up the bulk of the expenses. However, given the cost of flying across the country, that makes for an awfully expensive date. Since you’re on equal financial footing and will be approaching the year-mark of the relationship, I think it’s reasonable for her to pay for her own airfare, but you pick up the cost of the hotel. Hotel sex is the best!


Dear Sir Ufford,
It’d be stupid to have a FF question the week after the Super Bowl so I browsed reddit for 30 seconds and found this gif of something called Irina Shayk to serve as penance:

(Just googled her, apparently the cover model of the 2011 SI Swimsuit issue. Who knew?!)

Um, everybody?

Sex, but not really: My freshly 21 year old brother is spending the semester abroad in Spain. Just received an email from him (also sent to my sister) where he stated his intentions to move-in with his girlfriend at the start of the fall semester. The purpose of his email was to garner some kind of support from his siblings for when he break the news to our conservative leaning parents. He’s been with his girlfriend for about 13 months. They been pretty inseparable the whole time.

Wait, so is the girlfriend in Spain or the U.S.? If she’s American and they’ve been inseparable the whole time, did she go abroad with him?

This is his first long-term relationship, but he’s always had success with the ladies so it’s not like he’s stuck on her for lack of options. She’s a nice enough gal. She’s extremely good looking by popular culture’s standards (not my type, but that could just be older brother jealousy talking). As an outside observer, you get the sense that she’s looking for that MRS ASAP. She is a couple years older than him and I know she wants to settle down and start popping out babies relatively soon. Additionally, she is a psych major still working on her undergrad degree at age 23 so it’s safe to say a career is not her #1 priority. All of that is totally fine. Her priorities are her choice, but it just seems like she might be better suited to try to lock down a 28 year old, not a 21 year old.

As a progressive individual, I don’t share the moral objections my parents will have to them moving in together, but I think this is a terrible idea for my brother in terms of enjoying his time in Europe and his senior year of college. I was hoping the being abroad thing would create some distance between them and open his eyes to what else is out there, but it has apparently had the opposite effect. According to him, “It has never hit me clearer in the brain before coming on this trip that she is who I want to be with for the duration of my life.” [Please make a witty comment about that blatantly undergraduate statement.] Clearly, my brother and I have different personalities, because when I backpacked abroad as a young’n my thoughts were essentially “Look at all these beautiful women from different cultures I can try to sleep with!” Another not-so-good fact is that she is going to visit him in Spain over her spring break.

It’s like you said yourself: you and your brother have different tastes. Maybe he wants to settle down and have kids as soon as possible.

How do you think I should best approach this conversation? How do I properly express the amount of awesomeness he is missing out on by settling on this girl at such a young age and that there is a high probability that moving in together will induce misery? If possible, I’d prefer to do so while avoiding coming off as an unloving asshole older brother that’s trying to dictate his younger brother’s life. Maybe I just need to accept that we have different personalities and goals in life.


I just feel like he doesn’t quite understand the ramifications of his decisions. If you think it’s best I stay out of his business, let him make the mistake, and learn the hard way I will understand. Your thoughts are welcomed.

Thanks in advance for the advice and sorry about the length,
Randy Mawse

Listen, I’m in your corner. I never lived with a girlfriend until I was in my 30s and pretty damn sure that she would be my wife. But that doesn’t mean that that’s the path for everyone. I mean, I also live in New York and love not owning a car, and I’d be a fool to assume that that would an enjoyable life experience for everyone I know. Some people figure love out an early age, and congratulations to them for that. (Conversely, most young people only THINK they have love figured out, and it blows up in their face a year or five years down the line. You can warn those people, but they won’t hear you. They know what love is, man.)

As an older brother, I think your best stance is, “That’s not what I’d choose to do with my life, but we’ve always been built differently, so do what you think is right. I’ll love you no matter what, and you can always crash on my couch if something goes wrong.” It’s kinda like people saying they support the troops but not the war. You can love your brother without telling your parents he’s doing the right thing.


Dear Cappy,

Fantasy: I’m in a long running 12 team keeper league with buddies from college. Thus far it has been the same 11 guys with a somewhat revolving door at the 12th owner The original 12th guy became a doctor and is now all of a sudden too busy to play fantasy football, which is complete bullshit, but whatever. We’ve swung and missed the past couple years trying to replace him, bringing in guys who were good friends, but who were not very committed to being an active member of the league.This year we decided to ask a guy (let’s call him Aaron, because that’s his name) that we all know and like well enough, but more importantly who we know is committed to participating at an appropriate level in the league.

League Facts: Keeper (3 players max; 3 years each max; costs $5 over their auction/FAAB value) The team Aaron will be taking over has not been managed very well, and likely doesnt have any great keepers (CJ2K for $65, Andre Johnson for $41, Josh Freeman for $9 possibly? Draft Budget is $200), while all the other existing teams will have 2 or 3 keepers each.

Here’s the issue: Aaron feels that he will be joining the league at a great disadvantage this year, and that some concessions need to be made in order for him to accept our invitation (this is exactly how he phrased his concerns to the league, and most were displeased with his entitled attitude, but whatever). He feels that a) all existing teams should now only be able to keep 2 players rather than the 3 we’ve always done, and b) that he should pay a discounted entry fee.

Pretty much everyone thinks that is bullshit and we should just find someone else if he won’t back off of his “demands”. I tend to agree. With a 3 year max, there are always star players re-entering the auction pool. More importantly, all other 11 owners relied on having 3 keepers when making late season pre-trade-deadline moves this past year, so it would be unfair to change the rules now. What say you?

I don’t think he’s acting “entitled.” I think you’re giving him a dogshit team that has never had a reliable owner over the many years you’ve run the league, and he’s negotiating to even the playing field a little bit. What’s he supposed to do? Be thankful just for the opportunity to play make-believe football with you and your college buddies?

People take fantasy football so goddamn personally. It’s a competition, and players should seek a competitive edge within the rules of the game. So I’d have more doubts about him as a league-mate if he didn’t try to improve his position.

That said, I think his demands are a little steep (remember: this is a negotiation, and that’s why he’s asking for too much). The rest of the league deserves to continue with their three keepers, but I think it’s fair to give him either a discount on his first year in the league (say, 20 or 25%) or possibly give him an extra $20 in cap room to make up for not having a good keeper. The rest of it is up to him: if he’s a fantasy player worth his salt, he can do what everyone else does to win: draft savvily and work the waiver wire.

No Sex Question. Good on all fronts there. But here’s a link to a list of hot actresses who will be getting naked for the first time on screen soon, so mark your calendars! (There also might be a couple dudes on that list. That’s for your lady/dudes-who-are-into-dudes readers. Equality!)
Bored at Work

Man, there’s a lot better news for people who like naked girls than there is for people who like naked guys. Kristen Bell, Shailene Woodley, and Amanda Seyfried get balanced out with … Michael Cera and Harry Potter? Woof. Sorry, ladies.



Fantasy: I took a year off from fantasy football and made my return this last season. My two teams won a combined total of three games, and one tie. Fuck my life. I dont want to talk about it.

You were just rusty! Clearly you need to play some more.

Sex: I grew up in the very bottom of the lower class. We weren’t exactly starving children growing up but I never lived in a household where things like gaming consoles, cable television and luxury toys were around. In my adult life I’ve struggled hard to live a better life than my parents have, I went to college (but chose to major in journalism cuz i’m a dumb fuck) and while I don’t make a lot of money I scrimp and get by.

My gf of ten months, an amazing chick who met me at one of the saddest, most trying time in my life yet still stuck around and freely gave affection and blow jobs to show me life wasn’t so awful, has been bitching quietly for a few weeks now about how she needs a tablet/reader thing for school. Over the last few weeks I worked a few hustles to buy her an iPad. I’ve always wanted a fucking ipad. I dont even own an mp3 player.

Dude, everyone wants an iPad.

While I don’t mind going through the trouble of getting her such an expensive gift, the cheap poor kid inside me is a little hesitant about actually giving it to her. Like i said, my impoverished upbringing makes me lust after material things more than a normal person since I didnt have nice things growing up. We have fair amount of long term potential but you never know with these things. And I dropped some serious cash on that thing and I hate to think that I’ll have wasted it if we I break up and she gets to walk away with it.

I know that what I’m about to propose is cheap, and assholic, but is it possible that I can give it to her under the condition that I get it back if we ever break up? Sort of like a gift prenup. Or the way that some guys ask for the engagement ring back if the wedding gets called off.

This idea is stupid isnt it?
-Injun Gifter

Yes. The stupidest.

Let’s revisit your own words: Your girlfriend of ten months is “an amazing chick who met [you] at one of the saddest, most trying times in [your] life yet still stuck around and freely gave affection and blow jobs to show [you] life wasn’t so awful.” Can you put a dollar amount on that? What’s the cash value of someone picking you up off the floor and treating you with love?

The iPad you give your girlfriend is worth MORE than just $329 (for the Mini) or $399 (iPad 2). Its value is limitless, because you’ve never worked so hard to buy something so expensive for yourself or anyone else. You’ve acquired something that you want, and instead of keeping it, you’re going to give it to someone you care about because she needs (or at least badly wants) it. That’s love, my friend, and nothing else will make you poorer while enriching your life. Be happy to give it to her.

But yeah, definitely take it back if she ever breaks up with you.

p.s. Anyway, attached is a picture of a random hot chick from the internet to coerce you into answering my question.

The picture attached had a girl making a duckface — further proof of shoddy judgment, sir — so I’ve replaced that photo with this GIF:

Have a great Valentine’s Day, everybody. Planned pregnancies only, please. And if you happen to be flying solo tonight…



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