Kurt Warner is the King of His Castle

07.06.09 8 years ago 23 Comments

A short scene adapted from the upcoming book by Kurt and Brenda Warner, “Jesus and She Makes Three” “First Things First: The Rules to Being a Warner,” which at first sounds like a canceled sitcom starring John Ritter, but is actually a religious tract posing as a fussy memoir of a famous quarterback’s pitiable home life.

Kurt Warner: Hey, Kade, sport, wanna toss the ol’ ball around?

Kade Warner: No.

Kurt Warner: Aw, c’mon, champ. How often do we get a chance to spend some time together? I wanna see how your spiral is coming along.

Kade Warner: No.

Kurt Warner: Well, what do you got going on that’s so important that you don’t have time for dear old dad?

Kade Warner: Clone Wars

Kurt Warner: Clone Wars?

Kade Warner: Clone Wars is on.

Kurt Warner: Can’t you take a quick break? Pause it for a minute? This’ll be fun, I swear. You love throwing the ball around.

Kade Warner: Yeah, I could take a break.

Kurt Warner: [Face lights up]

Kade Warner: Not gonna though

Kurt Warner: [Crestfallen]

Kade Warner: Can’t you ask Elijah?

Kurt Warner: Remember? He’s at deep sea diving camp. Look, I’ll give ya a deal. For every pass you complete to me, I’ll give you a quarter. You could really clean up here!

Kade Warner: Or I could use the credit card you and mom gave me any time I want.

Kurt Warner: [Sighs] Brenda! Come here and look at our layabout son. Doesn’t even wanna get off his duff and play catch with his old man. Think about how many kids would kill to get a chance to toss the pigskin around with a pro QB. And he has him any time he wants.

Brenda Warner: WOULD YOU LEAVE THE KID ALONE!? I just got him out of my hair. Boy won’t stop bugging me about another trip to Comic Con in a few weeks. YOU JUST GOT BACK FROM E3 LAST MONTH!


Brenda Warner: I DON’T CARE!

Kurt Warner: Okay, okay, settle on down everybody. The Lord has graced us with a beautiful day outside, his splendor on full display. Let’s get out of this stuffy house and enjoy the outdoors. We don’t have to play catch if you don’t want to. We could have a cookout, maybe a short hike.

Brenda Warner: I would, Kurt, honey, I really would. But I got a vicious headache. I need to go lay down. Just drop this whole outdoorsy spiel, okay? We’ll do it some other time. Let the boy watch his show in peace. You need to throw the ball? Call up one of your teammates or strength trainers or something. How hard is it for a quarterback to get to throw a ball?

Kurt Warner: But that’s not the point

Brenda Warner: DROP IT. All right?

Kurt Warner: I’m getting a little tired of the constant disrespect around here.

Brenda Warner: Oh, here we go again. Mr. Sensitive wants to have an airing of grievances.

Kurt Warner: You don’t appreciate me, Brenda

Brenda Warner:Oh, for Pete’s sake, I appreciate you plenty.

Kurt Warner: Then what was my Super Bowl ring doing under the couch?

Brenda Warner: We found it, didn’t we? Let’s just make a big federal case out of it and bring it up any time you feel like a having a big NFL-sized pity party with fireworks and fornicators. Look, I’m going to bed. We’ll have our family prayer time later. Okay, will that make everything better? Give you your bonding exercise?

Kurt Warner: You don’t think I can’t step out and find a nice 20-year-old crazy side piece of my own? Look at this. You don’t think this can fetch me anything? I’m still in the prime of my life. You fell for the Jesus swagger. I STILL GOT THE JESUS SWAGGER!

Brenda Warner: Sure, Kurt. You take the life you’ve based on moral rectitude and religious piety and throw it all away for some dumb murderous hussy. Let’s see how quickly the public turns on you when the squeaky clean image is whipped away when it comes out that you cheated on the Marine wife with the blind kid in the latter years of your NFL career. Think how badly you’ll be demonized, how sympathetic I’ll look blubbering on Oprah about your straying ways. Numbnuts.

Kurt Warner:

What time’s prayer time?

Brenda: Right before dinner. FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE, KURT, YOU KNOW THAT!

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