Ladies… Open Mic

04.11.07 11 years ago 168 Comments

The following post is one of two written by the Ladies… blog as the result of an ill-considered wager on our part. For actual KSK content that does not attract bears, feel free to click elsewhere on the site.

In which each of the Ladies… are given free reign for a column yard or so to freewheel on whatever pops into our pretty little heads!

To lead off we have this gem of a short film constructed especially for the occasion by cyberspace’s own TheStarterWife:

J-Money’s Arts and Crafts Cozee Corner:

OK, readers, get out your glue guns because it’s time for Arts and Crafts. Today we’ll be making slippers out of maxi pads, which some of you may recognize as being the super-absorbent items that show up in your girlfriend’s shopping cart every month, frequently accompanied by a half pound bag of JellyBellys, the director’s cut of
Hope Floats, and an irrational crying jag.

First, let’s make sure that you’ve found the right supplies under your girlfriend’s sink:
If it’s small, cottony, and looks like it has a fuse, it’s a tampon.
If it’s pillowy and looks like something the National Guard stacks beside riverbanks, it’s a maxi pad.
If it’s pink, fluffy and adorned with a picture of the Pink Panther, it’s a roll of insulation and you should probably grab your toothbrush and get the hell out.

Now that you’ve found the maxi pads, let’s get started. You’ll need four of them to make a pair of slippers unless you’re dating Heather Mills and two will be sufficient.

Take two pads and lay them side by side. This is where she’ll put her feet. Next, take two more pads and wrap one around each of the footbeds, close to the end. Secure them with the glue gun. And you’re almost finished! Let’s jazz them up and decorate them with pom poms, rhinestones, or cigarette butts. There. Doesn’t it feel good to makes something with your own two hands? Something elegant in its simplicity, that looks classy whether she’s out with friends, at the office, or wondering when you learned how to Bedazzle.

Coming next month: Tampon Ceiling Fan Pulls, The Lake House, and why don’t you ever say I’m pretty anymore?

Selecting the Perfect Nail Polish to Wear to the Ballpark: A Texas Gal Guide

You’ve got your pink [insert your favorite team] logo ballcap, your snazzy rhinestone tee, your dangly baseball earrings and your cute little matching flip flops all ready to go. You’re going to be the cutest girl in the whole ballpark! But what nail polish should you wear? This is a crucial decision, one that must be made with the utmost of care. Choose wisely: your whole painstakingly constructed ensemble hinges on this.

April – Pale Pink

You’re so fresh and spring-y in that pale pink- just like the [insert your favorite team]. They’re gonna win it all this year, you know. Pale pink says, “I’m a good girl. I won’t go to second base with you just because you bought me a beer… but I’ll consider it.” Make the boys work for it, girls!

May – Hot Pink

It’s hot outside, and so are you. Get summer started a little early with some snazzy hot pink on your nails. Even though it might clash with the [insert your favorite team] colors, it doesn’t matter- you’re wearing your pink [David Wright/Chase Utley/Grady Sizemore/other local hot guy] shirt, anyway. Isn’t he just the dreamiest!

June – Coral

We’re all the way into summer now, and it’s time to show off that tan you’ve perfected after hours of meticulous oiling and flipping at just the right time. Orange may be fine for dirty, gross boys – but a lady wears coral. Why not go crazy and paint a little white daisy on one nail? That’s SO very. Don’t forget your sunscreen: ballpark tans are for nerds.

July – Neutral

Ugh. It is too hot outside. Who wants to go sit out in the hot sun and watch sports? Not you! Brush on a neutral shade- that’s all you’ll need. Just find your seats sometime during the second inning (don’t worry- all those people on your row don’t mind moving while the ball’s in play), hang out for 10 minutes, and then head back up to the shade and grab one of those neat-o frozen daiquiris. That’ll beat the heat!

August – Berry

Is baseball STILL on? Make the best of it with a great berry color that’s a great mix of summer and fall. And now’s the time to use those nails to give a sexy “come-hither” motion to one of those boys that’s been eyeing you at the ballpark all summer. Give him a quick kiss when you go to buy peanuts, and road-test him before taking him home. Tee-hee!

September – Red

What the fuck. How can it be goddamn September already? Shit, that means the team only has a few weeks left to claw themselves out of that fucking hole they’ve dug for themselves. Maybe they can borrow some of my red nail polish for the job- red like the blood of [insert your hated rival]. Thanks for nothing, shitty bullpen. And the same goes for all you non-productive assholes at the plate. Can we get just a little bit of offense please? Who the hell cares, they’re gonna dry up in the stretch, anyway.

October – Mauve

Where was I? Oh, yes- autumn has arrived and thank goodness [insert your favorite team] scheduled their last game of the regular season to fall in October… it gives you the perfect chance to show off that gorgeous mauve color. The mood in the ballpark might be down, but tell those grumpy gus-es to lighten up: there’s always next year!

SA says, “Do you know what the greatest thing ever is?”


You didn’t read that wrong. Sanrio is the greatest thing ever, better than roses, hula hoops, and Mountain Dew.

Ok, maybe not Mountain Dew, but damn close. Who doesn’t love a company that brings joy to four-year-olds and 40-year-olds alike? And gives you the chance to get their own credit card? How do you not like the fact that you can get televisions and sandwich makers with that Hello Kitty face on it? Have you ever tried the Sanrio bubble gum? To do my own Dan Shanoff impression: Greatest. Gum. EVER.

And in tribute to that great company so many love, I’m giving you the five greatest Sanrio characters ever produced by the company. Ok, let me restate that-my five favorite Sanrio characters ever produced. And when you get to know these characters and see their cute little faces, there is no WAY you’ll be able to resist getting a stuffed character of your own.

Hello Kitty

How can I not start with the Queen of the Sanrio empire? Hello Kitty was born in 1974 in London with the name Kitty White to parents George and Mary. She has a twin sister named Mimmy and a boyfriend Dear Daniel. Her best friends are Tracy, Cathy, and Fifi. Her favorite subjects in school are English and Music, among others, and she loves traveling. Oh, and her image is on everything from food, video games, and jewelry, to crop circles and Ferraris. And she is responsible for half of Sanrio’s $1 billion revenue sales.


Also called Bad Badtz-Maru, B-M was born in Hawaii on April Fool’s Day in 1993. His family include (in various colors): Mama, Papa, Bad Twins (younger brothers), and Bad Tsunko (younger sister). He lives in Gorgeoustown and goes to Gorgeous Academy. His friends are Pandaba and Hana Maru and he also has a pet alligator. Badtz (Batsu) in Japanese means wrong and is represented with an X; Maru mean correct and is shown with an O. With that, you’ll usually see the character with the markings XO around him. Badtz-Maru is marketed towards both males and females, one of the few Sanrio characters that are. He was the official mascot of the 2006 FIBA Basketball World Championships.


He’s known as “the hip pup” and that’s really all you need to know. But because I know you want to know more about him, Pochacco was born in Uguisu Yokocho (Nightingale Lane) on February 29, 1989. The only problem with that is 1989 was a leap year so there was no February 29. Which means that more likely he was born in 1988. But we don’t let silly facts like leap years deter us from loving this cute canine. He has lots of friends (too many to name), and loves sports. He’s an avid soccer and basketball player. He lives in many places (it really determines which market Sanrio is selling him to) including Brazil and New York City. And he’s a vegetarian.


Also known as Kero-kero-keroppi, Keroppi was born in 1987. His family’s name is Hasunoue, which means “on the lily pad.” His mother Keroma owns a restaurant while his father Keroppa is a doctor that can cure anyone. He is part of a triplet with his sister Pikki who helps their mother at the restaurant and Koroppi, whom everyone mixes up with Keroppi. He is called Curtis in North America. Like Hello Kitty, Keroppi has a significant other, a girlfriend named Keroleen whose a natural peacemaker. His best friend is Ganta, who can transform himself into a rock. Also like Hello Kitty, Keroppi has several video games out.


Damn you Sanrio for discontinuing Pekkle. Nevertheless, he is still one of my favorites. He was born on July 27, 1989 and hails from Australia. He excels in singing and dancing and can be found doing both those activities frequently. He loves to surf and is very loyal, particularly to his girlfriend Ruby. He would like to be a lifeguard, but has some trouble swimming. Although he appears to be lazy, he’s just very laid-back.

So there you go: my five favorite Sanrio characters. Which means they are the five greatest Sanrio characters ever. Now go forth and get started on your own collection of Sanrio characters.

Bridezillas-to-be, listen up to Lady Clare:

An article in the April 9 edition of the Wilmington News-Journal tells of the discovery of a box of well-preserved prom flowers from 1967. Bearing the imprint of the now-defunct Penny Hill Flower Shop, the box and its contents were found on the muddy banks of the Christina River during a routine community clean-up. The flowers — a corsage trimmed with powder blue netting and a rhinestone heart and a boutonnière to match — had been meticulously saved in the white cardboard florists’ box, and were clearly a treasured keepsake of the young woman to whom they were given.

If this is how reverently women treat an orchid corsage from a pimply teenage boy who probably snuck gin into her punch and tried to put his hand up her dress on the dance floor, imagine how important a woman’s wedding flowers are.

That’s where I come in.

Your author, doing finishing work on a bouquet of pink cymbidium orchids.

For as long as I’ve been able to push a broom, I’ve worked in a flower shop in suburban Philadelphia. My aunt, the owner of the shop, has been in business for 28 years, and I’ve been answering phones, scrubbing flower buckets, taking orders, making $10 bunches, getting coffee, stuffing envelopes and the previously mentioned broom pushing — basically everything except design — ever since I was old enough to make myself useful (i.e., for the past six months.)

The order-taking has been the most consistently interesting part of my job. I’ve taken orders for people commemorating every stage of life: from new babies to ballet recitals to high school and college graduations, from first jobs to new jobs to retirements. I’ve taken family orders for funerals, which never get any easier, no matter how many you do.

But the orders I like most of all — and that I never get to take — are the wedding orders. They’re fun because they get special appointments on Saturday afternoons, they have special order sheets, and we have special sample books we keep stashed away just for the brides. Wedding appointments are always a cheerful, exciting event — everyone is in such an enthusiastic mood when a bride comes in for her appointment. I even enjoy when the brides I hate come in, because it gives me an opportunity to make fun of her bad taste or rotten attitude.


So how do you become a florist’s favorite bride and not one of the ones I might have called a c-u-next-Tuesday as soon as she’s out of the shop? Here are a few guidelines:

Bring…stuff. We like having lots of material at our fingertips when you order the wedding flowers. Photos and samples of your dress, your girls’ dresses, the venue, the church or synagogue, the invitations — to say nothing of clips from those phone book-size wedding magazines — all provide a jumping-off point for us to design your flowers. A color, a piece of lace, even the architecture of your reception hall help guide us toward the best flowers for your event.

Think seasonally.
As in food, flowers that are in season are more beautiful than ones that aren’t. There are some exceptions to this rule (you can generally get nice-looking roses, orchids or carnations year-round) but if you want calla lilies in August, for example, you’re going to pay through the nose for them, and they’re going to look like shit.

This bridesmaid’s bouquet for a September wedding is made of local mini mango callas, red hypericum berry, green pittosporum, and silver seeded eucalyptus. The handle is wrapped with rust satin-edge organza ribbon. Very chic.

Be flexible. Nobody wants your flowers to look nice more than your florist does. After all, she has a boatload of potential customers at your wedding. So if she suggests a different style bouquet or flower for your or your girls’ bouquets, don’t take it personally. How many times have you gotten married? And really, be reasonable. You, your dress, and your flowers all need to be in proportion to one another. If, for example, you’re chubby and you insist on wearing a big fluffy meringue of a gown, a single rose with a bow is not going to look right against all…that. (N.B., I can say this because I am a) in the biz and b) chubby.)

Don’t cheap out. Wedding work is extremely labor-intensive. You’re not just paying for the flowers, you’re paying for lots of little fiddly work, too. We will not be offended if you tell us up front that you’re getting estimates for your flowers. Three estimates are best. A good rule of thumb is to plan on spending $250 for the bride, and then another $150 per bridesmaid. If we do give you a quote, though, please have the courtesy to tell us if you’ve decided to go with another florist.

Recently, the children of some of my aunt’s first weddings have been coming in to order their wedding flowers. It’s always fun to reminisce with them — some of their mothers and fathers have known my aunt since they were in grade school together — and my aunt has incredible recall for detail about her customers’ lives.

And they give those of us who work in the back of the shop lots of material for discussion.
lots of material for discussion.

Metschick’s Super-Secret Sure-Fire Can’t-Fail Game Night Party Recipe

It’s game night. What’s that mean? It means it’s time for the wimmen folks to get busy in the kitchen! Today, I’ll show you what a real women does for GAME TIME.
1. Several hours before game time, head to the grocery store. Make sure you stock up on goodies: Tostitos chips (I love the hint of lime ones), salsa (mild – I’m a wimp), Ruffles chips, French onion dip, and soda (if you’re hosting, be considerate and get a few diet and some Sprite). I never get sweets for games, because that’s just weird.

2. Go the liquor store. Pick up beer. Lots and lots of cold beer. (The Metschick household is partial to Corona and Presidente – we’re Latinos, that’s as much as we know about beer.)

3. Once home, put the beer and soda in the fridge. Arrange the chips on platters and the salsa and dip in bowls, so as to look appealing to the eye. Set out a few bottle openers for the beers.

4. Pop open a beer and grab a chip.

You guys didn’t think I actually knew how to cook, did you?! Let’s say that my skillz in other areas excuse the fact that I don’t know how to cook… at least that’s what I’ve been told.

Lady Andrea’s Most Sportingest Night EVAH!

My years of being a sports fan have forced me through the gamut of emotions. I’ve screamed at gruesome injuries, laughed at bloopers, rolled my eyes at commentators and even had one basketball game that left me in shaking, body-wracking sobs of disappointment. However, when your team is winning, there is nothing like it. The highest of the highs. As you may know, I’m a St. Louis Cardinals fan. And while the World Series was awesome, I spent most of it watching at home in my room with only my DUAN friends around to share it with. That was fun in its own right, but it just didn’t live up to October 19th, 2006.

The real magic of the 2006 post-season for me was the 7th game of the NLCS. I was in NYC that week visiting a friend and I dragged her out every night to watch the games. The day of game 7, I read on Deadspin that some Cardinals fans were gathering at Dewey’s Flat Iron at 26th and 5th. I didn’t know any of them but I thought it would be fun to watch the game with some fellow fans. I headed down there alone about 45 minutes before the game started (my friend Diana was held up at work) and sat down, taking off my coat to reveal my blue retro Cardinals jersey. I ordered a beer and some food and then a guy from the bar, who I had noticed noticing my shirt earlier, came over and asked me if I was there from Deadspin. He had funny-looking bangs and was wearing a leather jacket. I don’t recall his name.

As the start time grew closer, more fans filtered in until we had about 25 people. Introductions were made but hell if I can remember anyone’s name. We barely exchanged information; nobody cared what anybody did for a living or where we were from or how we become Cardinals fans. All that mattered was that we all were Cardinals fans. The Mets drew first blood, but the Cardinals responded right back and the game stayed knotted at 1-1 for 7 innings. In the 6th inning it looked like St. Louis was about to take a 2-run lead with a Rolen homer, but Chavez’s unbelievable catch over the wall took all the air out of the place. We all thought that was our chance and the body language of everyone grew increasingly somber.

In the ninth inning, Rolen got things started with a hit and the most unlikely of heroes stepped to the plate. Catcher Yadier Molina drilled a 2-run homer to give the Cardinals a 3-1 lead. I don’t remember much except the feeling of complete elation. All my hope was restored. The monster hug I received from Leather Jacket Guy propelled me back into the brick wall, slice opened my arm and I bled all over my jersey. The blood is still there and I have a scar on my elbow, but it was totally worth it.

In the bottom of the 9th, things got pretty intense. The first two batters reached and all of the Cards fans were standing and pacing. Wainwright managed to get a strike out and a fly-out, but then loaded the bases for one of the most dangerous post-season hitters. I remember holding hands, a girl whose name I can’t recall on one hand and Leather Jacket on the other. When Wainwright got the called 3rd strike, it became pandemonium. I was picked up, hugged, kissed, twirled about, sprayed with champagne. The debauchery continued late into the night. An interesting sidenote is that the two non-Cardinals fans who got dragged along hit it off that night and have been dating ever since. For me, that night was amazing. The group of us came together for one night to be a family of Cardinals fans. This was hands down the best sporting night of my life.

Holly’s Peyton Manning Film Festival

Sprint – Death of a Salesman

An ordinary man, out of step with the times and out of place in the modern world, wages an ultimately hopeless struggle to sell a terrible phone. Unlike the film in that it’s hilarious.

Gatorade – Alien

This one’s a no-brainer. Would you let Peyton Manning burst fully formed from your chest if it meant a trip to the AFC Championship game? Course you would. Game over, man. Game over.

MasterCard – Chariots of Fire

Half-naked guys and a beach.

MasterCard – Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead

In which the smallest and unlikeliest of characters move the course of greater events (events containing one Peyton Manning), for good or ill.

SportsCenter – The Glass Menagerie

An overbearing, meddling mother father struggles to find a place in the world for daughter Laura son Eli suitable for his station in life, while older, wisecracking son Jim Peyton longs to break free to a life not quite so bereft of hope a football career not quite so bereft of unremarkability.

NFL Shop – Fantasia

Because there’s no way Eli Manning gets to make any decision in that household, ever.

Reebok – Rashomon

Rashomon effect, n.: The effect of the subjectivity of perception on recollection, by which observers of an event are able to produce substantially different but equally plausible accounts of it.

United Way – Citizen Kane

Strong case for the greatest cinematic opus of all time. Thoughtful, melancholy, meditative on the nature of family and the futility of the human condition.

That’ll be all from us today. We’d like to extend our thanks and hugs of inappropriate duration to our hosts, the KSK Mafia. Good game, boys…same time next year?


The Ladies…

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