Late Preseason Transactions Send Bill Simmons in Murder Spasms of Doucheiosity

09.06.09 8 years ago 49 Comments

As I’m sure you’re heard by now, Giant Snatch-maker David Tyree was on the list of the final cuts made by the Giants. Tyree’s never going to be mistaken for a good player, but he did make a fantastic play that will be with us forever, if for no other reason that Simmons will not stop bitching about how “fluky” it was. Since when do marginal players get to make critical plays in big games? AARON BOONE, YOU-AH A FACKIN FLUKE TOO! BUT NAWT DAVE ROBERTS! HE WAS GOOD ALL ALONG, YOU JUST DIDN’T KNOW IT! WE WILLED HIM TO STEAL THAT BASE!

I think Drew summed up the inherent retardery of this argument nicely: “Jeffrey Maier stealing the ball and gifting the Yankees a home run? That’s a fluky play. A random wideout summoning the strength he never knew he had to trap a ball against his head and keep it there despite getting jacked? That would be the opposite of fluky.”

Jeebus. Your team won three Super Bowls this decade. Quit trying to tarnish the one team who knocked off the Pats in the big game through inane cattiness. Creating the consensus that the Giant Snatch was a “fluky” play allows Simmons to forever bitch that the 2007 Patriots were the greatest team ever, and the only thing that could have derailed them was an act of God.

But it doesn’t end there.

Yeah, I’m sure “Goodall” will get right on that, dickhead.


I’ll admit, the Patriots pulled a pretty good swindling of the Raiders, dumping an aging defensive end – one who’ll be an unrestricted free agent after this season – on Oakland in exchange for what will no doubt be a top 5 pick in two years. Taken together with the Randy Moss deal, I’m sure it’ll lead to scores of Massholes repeating the obnoxious “[Oakland/Minnesota] is Boston’s farm team” line. Aint’ gonna get Bubb Rubb down though.

Somehow left unaddressed: Bernard Pollard being waived by the Chiefs, presumably to give him more time to chill with Kimo. I bet “Goodall” made them do it to set things right!

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