Let’s Get On With The Inevitable Peter King Tebow Slurp Job

01.09.12 6 years ago 135 Comments

When we last left Josh Bickford biographer Peter King, he was maybe almost kinda considering splitting his vote for MVP into portions so small that they can only exist for a billionth of a second and may or may not be the key to unlocking the secrets of extra physical dimensions of the universe. Also, he drank some wine.

So what about this week? I noticed that the teaser on the front page of SI.com for MMQB uses the phrase “the Tebow saga,” which is perfect, since Tim Tebow is EXACTLY like “Twilight.” He has a dedicated legion of fans who scare other people. He’s been remarkably successful despite the fact that critics don’t think he’s any good. And his story has gone on wayyyyyy too long. Let’s see what Peter thinks of all this… TEBOWVILLEMANIALANDNESS. READ ON.

Let me get some of the news of the weekend to you first, then get on to the dramatic non-game story of the weekend: the fight to beat tongue and throat cancer by veteran referee Tony Corrente, who worked Detroit-New Orleans Saturday night.

Did he cancer treatments rob him of the ability to prevent inadvertent whistles on important fumbles?

I keed, I keed. I hope he gets better. Seriously though, the officiating in that game was a steaming hot bowl of Joan Rivers’ pussy runoff.

If I were (Josh) McDaniels, I wouldn’t pick my nose Saturday night. CBS will have an iso camera on him all night, wherever he is.

He’ll be up in the booth, firing all the other assistants and replacing them with his cousins. When you run a Josh McDaniels offense, is there really anyone else better qualified to teach that offense than Cousin Charlie from Reno?

Josh McDaniels is basically Pat Webb from “Casino”.

On the night of that draft, in April 2010, I remember distinctly two phone conversations.

I remember them because I taped them, typed out the transcripts, and then read them aloud to Brett Favre at his bedside!

One was with Tebow, who said Denver was where he wanted to be drafted, and McDaniels the coach he wanted to play for. “I told [agent] Jimmy [Sexton] all along that I wanted to play for this guy,” Tebow said. “His whole attitude is he believes in himself, and he’s going to do it his way. I like that.”

You mean he’s arrogant AND he’s autocratic? SIGN ME UP.

But after what we witnessed on draft day 20 months ago, and the magic we saw Sunday, one question:

Still hate Josh McDaniels, Denver?

Don’t you feel bad, Denver? Don’t you feel great shame for running this poor, poor man out of town when all he did was trade away all the good players and lose a shitload of games? I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY WITH YOURSELF TODAY, DENVER. Maybe you could learn a thing or two from New York about leading the league in loyalty.

Now Jeff Fisher takes a day to pick the Rams or Dolphins. After spending five hours at the Rams’ practice facility in suburban Earth City, Mo., Sunday, the former Titans coach returned to Nashville to consider his options. By Tuesday, I expect he’ll have figured out whether St. Louis or Miami is the best place for him.

“Hmm. Should I live in Miami, or St. Louis? SUCH A HARD CHOICE.”

-A fucking idiot

Seriously though, I’m not quite sure why two teams are fighting so vehemently over Jeff Fisher. You know that guy didn’t win a Super Bowl, right? And that he’s kinda old and shit?

I said Saturday the Bucs want an authority figure to clean up Raheem Morris’ mess, and they like former Packer and Texas A&M coach Mike Sherman.


I’ll let Spencer Hall explain Mike Sherman:

He’s a B-grade coach, and born to go like 10-6. He’s a Kia. It’s the 2-4 playoff record of minivan choices.

As Adam Schefter reported…

Good nugget, Adam!

Kansas City is likely to keep Romeo Crennel as the permanent coach after he went 2-1 as the interim man.

2-1! SUCH A HUGE AND DEFINITIVE SAMPLE SIZE. I fully expect the Chiefs to go 10.66-5.34 next season, provided the NFL finally allows teams to split victories, which Peter prays they will.

In another weird play…


…Brees, on a 4th-and-a-foot call, leaped over the line, stuck the ball out long enough to get the ball past the first-down marker, then pulled it back as he was swarmed by the Lions. Looked like he voluntarily pulled it back, which, of course, would have meant he didn’t have the forward progress for the first down. But the officials on the field gave him forward progress.

Not only that, I’m virtually certain that Brees fumbled the ball before he hit the ground on that play. Again, pussy runoff.

“I thought the expectations here got out of control,” (Dean) Spanos told me the other day.

“People wanted us to WIN, which I thought was a bit nutty.”

“We did not have good drafts in ’07, ’08 and ’09, and so we’ve been set back a little by that. I thought we had a good nucleus with a great quarterback who Norv has done a great job with. But I didn’t think we had a great team. Should I blow it up, get rid of the coaches and the general manager…”


“…with no guarantee on anything coming in here? I thought that would have been a mistake, and I thought they deserved another chance.”

WHY? You just said yourself that they fucked up for the past FOUR YEARS. How does that merit another chance? The Chargers are FUCKED.

“This is all a guess.”

Holy shit, Dean Spanos is Peter’s favorite NFL owner.

(Corrente’s) doctor in California, Susan Sleep, set him up with an ear, nose and throat specialist, who snaked a camera through his nose to look at everything.

Too bad you aren’t Peter King, Tony. You would have gotten that colonoscopy of the nose for FREE.

Corrente found it interesting…


2. New Orleans (14-3). The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. In San Francisco, however, grass is often more slippery that (sic) elsewhere.

And there’s your Peter King Tortured Sentence of the Week. People, a bird in the hand is NOT worth two in the bush. But in San Francisco, MAYBE, a bush is often dewier and therefore perhaps kinda more amenable to bird hospitality something something JOHN LACKEY.

4. New England (13-3). How weird it’ll be to see Josh McDaniels walk into Gillette Stadium today.


Smart move by owner Steve Bisciotti to give director of player personnel Eric DeCosta a rich, multi-year contract, for general manager money… The grass wouldn’t have been greener anywhere else.

But it might have been more slippery!

I don’t know how you watch that (DEN/PIT) game — that event…


… — in Denver Sunday evening and think the Tebow Broncos aren’t the best, coolest, most fun story in the NFL in years.

When they play like they played yesterday, it’s quite fun to watch. When they played like they played the week before, not so much.

Andy Reid’s job one: whether to replace defensive coordinator Juan Castillo with Steve Spagnuolo.

Only in Andy Reid’s world is this a decision that requires lengthy deliberation.

Offensive Players of the Week

Denver QB Tim Tebow. He wrecks games. Sometimes for the Broncos, but mostly for the opposition.

Sometimes his grass is greener on the other side, but it’s also well plowed. Wait, does that make sense?

Here’s an interesting note…


/squeezes sides of own head to induce pain

…about the final eight teams left in the Super Bowl derby: Only one, Denver, starts a first-round running back.

No glory boy-type running backs? TMQ is ENGORGED.

New York subway story of the week: The other night around 8, I was on the E train in Manhattan, standing inside a fairly crowded car. At the Port Authority Bus Terminal stop, a woman got on at the far end of the car cradling something and saying over and over again in a pleading, accented voice, “Please. Please. Please.”

She was cradling a printout of MMQB and begging for the story about lunch with Terry Francona to end.

As she got closer, I could see was a woman of about 30…


…and she held a cup and small sign out with one hand — the sign said she was homeless and needed money — and I couldn’t quite see what she had in the other arm until she got closer. It was a baby, maybe five months old, with mouth locked onto her breast, the woman making no effort to conceal the breast as she walked, looking every person in the train in the eye while saying, “Please.” I guess I’m not a hard-edged New Yorker yet. That was a startling, eye-opening experience.

Who knew that there were poor people openly soliciting on New York City subway trains? That’s not the sort of thing you see at Peet’s Coffee!

I will say something positive about the human race: From the looks of it, she collected $10 or so from our car in five minutes. After two stops, she got off and went to the next car.

HUMANITY: SOLVED. This woman may be a symbol of the desperate struggle of the poor and destitute… BUT WE GAVE HER TEN BUCKS. And I think that pretty much tells you all you need to know about how great the world is. Between this and Tebow, I don’t know how we advance any farther as a species. This story was like an Upton Sinclair book, only with a happy ending in which the amputee meat plant worker is given a free danish.

By the way, Peter does not say anywhere in his story that HE was among those who gave the lady money. I hope he didn’t and then complimented humanity for giving the lady money when he abstained. That would be the most Peter King thing ever.

Tweet of the Week I

“I don’t care what people say, this Tebow is a beast.”

— @BrentCelek, the Philadelphia tight end. Human like the rest of us right after the Denver-Pittsburgh game.

Tim Tebow leads the league in humane game endings.

1. I think this is what I liked about Wild-Card Weekend…

b. Luv ya Blue!

I am soooo missing something here.

If you ask Bill Belichick which young college coach he thinks could be a very good pro coach, it’s the 45-year-old Greg Schiano.


I think the Bengals obviously had no business being in the playoffs… One word for their play…




I think this is what a close acquaintance of new Penn State coach Bill O’Brien told me when I asked what kind of college coach he will be… “I think he’ll be a great success.”


Let me completely ruin my source’s quote by adding my mandatory conditional language to it. I think.

I think Mike Sherman would be a perfect fit — today, for what the Bucs are and need right now.

Skip the tortured grammar here for a moment (I think Peter dropped a circus peanut onto the keyboard to make that double dash), I’m not sure why Peter decided to go around randomly championing bad ex-coaches for new jobs. THE CHIEFS SHOULD HIRE ROMEO CRENNEL! THE BUCS SHOULD HIRE MIKE SHERMAN! YOU KNOW, THAT DAVE SHULA COULD WORK WELL WITH SAM BRADFORD. MAYBE.

I read The Art of Fielding, a book that sounds like it’s about baseball and is.

JEEEEEEESUS. It sounds like a book because I said I “read” it and it is!

.. and is also about a lot more.

NO WAY. I couldn’t have imagined that an acclaimed novel that was reviewed by major publications, who noted that it’s about a lot more than baseball, would be about more than just baseball.

I’m a baseball fan, as you may know, and I thought I would like this book mostly because of the smart baseball writing.

I thought it was an almanac of some sort! Turns out it had characters and stuff!

I know I come off like Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino saying this…

There is no situation in which you come off like Clint Eastwood.

“We all have it coming, kid. I think.”

“Go ahead, make my day. Or, if you don’t feel like making my day, feel free to not make it. Sometimes, the grass is slippier on the other side of my day.”

“Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk? Well, you probably feel lucky because you ARE lucky.”

…but I cared nothing about the succession of games last week that could well have been a bunch of Weed Whacker Bowls.

College football? BORING. Let me tell you about baseball.. IN PRINTED FORM.

I’m making plans to go see cricket in the spring in England.

Oh, there is NO better match of sport and personality than that.

I’ve been told I’m going to either love it or nap through it.

I just… Christ almighty, this is a worse indictment of our society than the homeless breastfeeding titty woman.

But my brother, who lives in England, has caught the bug big time, and usually what he likes, I like.

“Say Peter, ol’ chap! Fancy a cricket match, perhaps? Well, I’ve heard tale of a LOFTY minor league cricket stadium out in the Cotswolds that blokes around there find quite INTERESTING. Although I do wish I could see these teams play on a neutral field in LUTON.”

Don’t know how you fix this, Seattle.

He’s talking to cities again.

But the latte quality, overall, in New York Starbucks stores is significantly worse than in Boston or Montclair, where the stores are rarely as crowded as the packed ones in New York. Just a word to the wise.

You hear that, entire city of Seattle? The inferiority of Starbucks chains in New York as compared to other places in the Northeast where assholes live is YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM. Now, I know this’ll be tough for you to pull off, seeing as how the windscape of Seattle is located all the way up there in the Yukon Territories. I’d ask Denver to help you, but they’re busy writing that apology note to Josh McDaniels that I requested.

Who knew a Manhattan coffee shop would be crowded? ONLY IN NEW YORK, GANG.

Always nice to go into an everyday bar, as we did at our NBC Football Night in America wrap party Saturday night in Manhattan, and have a good choice of beer on tap.


I chose Hoegaarden, a wheat beer, with…


…a lemon.


I could have done without the annual shot of tequila, though. Why do I always do that?

Because Dungy will call you a fag if you don’t?

What a loser I am. Still haven’t seen Moneyball or The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.

OH NO! Let’s get Seattle on that right away.

Goodbye, Jorge Posada. Always admired you, even when you helped wreck so many lives on The Night Grady Little Ruined The ALCS in 2003.

Eat shit.

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