Nothing quite ruins an otherwise pleasant experience of dining out quite like having to listen to loud or obnoxious dinner conversation from your fellow patrons. This could come in the form of anything from the work meal between employees full of corporate lingo and corporate card martinis, to overhearing a table “know it all” who feels it his or her duty to explain the menu to everyone around them, or in all too many cases, an awkward or just flat out bad first date.
Overhearing a bad date, in particular, is not unlike a car wreck in that you want to stop listening but at the same time can’t seem to steer your head away from it. Which is probably why many people are compelled to live-tweet bad dates, in order to share the misery with everyone else. Such was the case with writer Kelly Fine, who was witness to such a heinous date Wednesday night that, frankly, seems like it can’t possibly real. (And it may not be, this is the internet after all!)
In what must have started out as an unassuming sushi dinner, Fine overheard the gentleman at a nearby table mansplain Japanese food not just to his poor, poor date, but to the restaurant staff and owner as well. Let’s see how that worked out, shall we?
There's a couple on their first date at this sushi place and the guy announced "I don't look at menus. And I'm ordering for us." Girl.
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
Now he's asking the sushi chefs if they have different fish. They don't have what he wants, which is "going to be a major problem."
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
If only there was some way he could have known this before hand.
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
Omg the waitress asked what kind of wine he wanted and he said "you're the aficionado, you tell me."
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
He asked his date if she wanted dry wine. She said "sake." He said "sweetie I can't make all the decisions for us." She said "…sake?"
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
Omfg he asked the chef if they had giant clam. They said no. He asked the waitress. She said no. He said " I don't look at menus."
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
The waitress is now dictating the menu to him and his date looks oddly unfazed?
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
Oh no he just said something I won't repeat but it started with "any blonde woman that looks at me…"
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
"When I was 19 on my promotion tour, the locals introduced me to Japanese food and I was hooked." He clarified San Francisco locals.
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
But he did NOT clarify what the promotional tour was for.
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
The woman looked away for a second and he said "look at me. Don't look there, look at me."
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
He asked for deep fried shrimp heads. They don't have it.
Waitress: do you want a menu sir?
The man and I together: I don't look at menus— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
Update: this is not a first date, but I am still positive this is a BAD date.
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
He's been telling some story about some woman that is a "big bitch" and I think it's her mom???? Are they married?? Her hands are crossed!
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
She has a ring on but he doesn't but I want to tell her "marriage is just paper you can still leave him. I've seen it happen."
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
Wow I'm not sure what I missed but he said "This is why you're both miserable. Put that in the back of your little head."
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
Oh but he followed with "I don't care what people say. Words don't matter unless you give them power." I have some powerful words for him
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
He chewed up the skin of his edamame!!!!!!!
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
The shell part!!!!!!
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
Found out what he was promoting at 19. He's a DJ!
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
(OF COURSE HE’S A DJ)
He's talking about how hilarious it will be when he wears his MAGA hat in front of his "friend, a jew."
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
I don't think she voted for Trump but he is bragging about it between edamame shell chews
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
His "friend, a Jew" isn't allowed in his house unless he wears a hat
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
Now they're talking about someone named Dana that honestly sounds lovely
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
Oh thank GOD they are not married
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
Their food came.
Her: will you tell me what this is?
Him: no, you just eat it.— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
She picked up chopsticks and he slapped them out of her "YOU DON'T EAT SUSHI WITH CHOP STICKS"
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
Oh no the waitress is trying to get me to leave but how can I possibly
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
The sushi chef asked "are you a chef?" He replied "I'm a drunk!"
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
She keeps asking him what different fish are and he still won't tell her
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
Omg omg omg he said one of his brothers (could have meant friend) is in jail for 25 murders. He threw it out so casually.
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
The owner of the restaurant came to say hi because he knows the woman
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
Girl: this is my friend tony
Man, who I learned is named tony: why don't you have giant clam
Owner: um— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
Tony is telling the owner about all the great Japanese food he's eaten and the owner is humoring him like a champ
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
Last time Tony went to Japan, he demanded to eat the giant squid head
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
Which actually makes sense because if you don't read menus, you don't order food. You demand it.
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
He is "introducing himself to a cigarette" outside so I'm going to leave. Thanks for tuning in! We made it!
— KFine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016
Sadly, we’ll never know how the date between Tony and his hopefully unwitting date went, but with any luck she hauled ass out of there and Tony dies alone.
(Via Someecards)