Long-Distance Relationships *Can* Work: The KSK Sex & Fantasy Football Mailbag

07.25.13 4 years ago 69 Comments


Tell me this place sells fireworks

Hey, everybody! You’ll find this week’s mailbag short and disappointing. That’s because (a) we didn’t get a lot in the way of submissions, (b) I’m on vacation this week, and (c) your expectations are too high. So to keep this from happening again, be sure to write us at KISSINGSUZYKOLBER at GMAIL — it’s draft season, after all. (Also please lower your expectations.)

Dear KSK,
I’d like to get your take on where Peyton Manning should be drafted in a ten team league. Pretty standard format, except all touchdowns are worth 3 points and passing yards are worth half as much as rushing/receiving yards.

I’ve got Peyton ranked as the 4th quarterback on my board and 30th overall, which is a hair lower than he’s ranked elsewhere. In a 10-team league, I’d go for him early in the third round, but I wouldn’t fault anyone for grabbing him as soon as Rodgers and Brees are off the board.

I’d also enjoy hearing your general thoughts on big money free agent WRs. Last year I was crippled in one league thanks to Brandon Lloyd, but I was carried to victory in another by Brandon Marshall. Are there any factors you consider especially important when predicting whether a FA WR will be a meaningful contributor versus a Randy Moss-esque decoy?

I primarily look at the quarterback and the offensive scheme. Part of what makes Percy Harvin — not a free agent, I know, but a new addition — so attractive to fantasy owners is a trust in Russell Wilson and the Seahawks offense. Last year, I shied away from Vincent Jackson largely because I’d been so disappointed by Josh Freeman’s regression the previous year. (Freeman improved and Jackson performed well, but I think the methodology is sound, even if my application of it isn’t.)

Regarding your Brandon problems: Lloyd had one good season in a nine-year career before joining the Pats (2010 with the Broncos: 77/1448/11 TDs). With Tom Brady throwing to him, he had the second-best season of his career (74/911/4 TDs). Disappointed by his TD production? Maybe don’t expect so much red zone production from a wideout on a team with two All-Pro-level tight ends. As for Marshall, he’s always been tremendously gifted but mentally  unstable. Reuniting with Jay Cutler — where he first became a fantasy stud — made him an appealing option. I apologize for using hindsight to make sense of this, I’m just trying to add context. You were right to expect a lot from Marshall, less so from Lloyd.

Lastly: penis penis penis, vagina vagina vagina. Big boobs McGee fart-pants.

Long-time reader

Deep stuff. Thank you.


What’s up Matt?

Not much. Hanging out in California, going to an A’s game tonight. The usual blogger vacation of “relaxing but still tethered to the internet.”

FF: Long-running 14 team league. We implemented keepers last year. Normal scoring rules, non-PPR but start QB, 2 RBs, 3WRs (some receivers that start regularly in our league have been… comical), RB/WR/TE.

Yeah, that’s a pretty deep lineup for 14 teams. You’re gonna have some sad WR3s.

Can keep 3 players at round you picked them in for the first year, then divide round in half in each year. Keeper drafted in the 4th round stays in that round this year, then second the following, then first. The other catch is that if you keep two players from same position, you forfeit your third keeper.

That seems a bit harsh, but okay.

I am drafting 12th in a serpentine draft. Who do you think I should keep:

Tom Brady (1), 


A.J. Green (2), 


Steven Jackson (3), 


Randall Cobb (11), 


Kyle Rudolph (12) 


are my my best bets.

My first thought was to do my first 3 in such a deep league, but I can’t miss on the value that Cobb can give me in the 11th round,especially when he is everyone’s bet to break out this year.

I say Green and Cobb, even if it means losing your third keeper. Green’s a beast and Cobb’s going to become a top wideout this year — plus he’ll likely be worth keeping another 2-3 years. Brady’s obviously a top fantasy QB, but I don’t like his value at 12th overall, especially with the concerns about his depth of receiving options. I suppose you COULD keep Cobb and Rudolph based on value, thereby freeing up Brady or Jackson, but Steven Jackson is a running back with a LOT of mileage in a pass-first offense. I think he’ll be a decent RB2 this year, but I wouldn’t be thrilled about keeping him for a third-rounder.

Sex: Not without my issues, but nothing pressing to boot. I can probably sift through your old mailbags to find the answers to my problems. As for a sexy photo of someone, I’m using my phone at work, so the formatting would likely be terrible.

Excuses, excuses.

Thank you for reading and hopefully I get feedback despite my lack of sexytime contributions. This keeper dilemma is pretty pretty tough.
– Max

You’ll get through this trying time. I’m sure of it.


Football season is upon us and just in time! FF question: what’s your feeling on QB’s this year? I keep reading to wait…but do you really trust Stafford and his side arm antics, not to mention his constant derp face? Romo? I’m even a little worried about Brady, although it seems hard to see him take a huge step back. Also, could you get behind an Eli comeback? And why is every late round QB known for making a stupid face?

Usually because they’re making bad plays. Hence the later rounds.

Here are my feelings on the quarterbacks you mentioned: I had Stafford in a league last year, and now I hate him. Romo is an underrated fantasy QB — his numbers are incredibly consistent, with great peaks and not too many lows. I’m also worried about Brady, but he could be a 5th-round steal. And I never want Eli on my fantasy team, because I never want the emotional rollercoaster of cheering for Eli. Draft a stud.

Sex: Recently single and following the program to a tee! Working out a lot, eating right, and started dabbling in Zen Buddhism. With my rising confidence in mind, I am moving to the great city of Chicago in a month. As I’m in my mid 20’s and single, I’d like to maximize my sexy time. What are your best suggestions for meeting women outside of the bar scene? Don’t get me wrong, there will be plenty of the nightlife, but in general, I actually do better meeting women when sober and have my sense of humor and ability to form a sentence intact. Thanks!

If you’re looking to meet someone sober and outside the bar scene, then the world is your oyster. I know a guy who made brief eye contact with a girl as he passed her in Penn Station — possibly the least sexy place in New York City — and he turned around, chased her down, and basically said, “You’re really beautiful and I wanted to meet you.” She tried to blow him off, because that definitely breaks the ordinary barriers in a public transit hub, but he walked her to her train and got her email address. They’re now married. (It helps, of course, that he’s a good-looking dude with a great job and degrees from Yale and Harvard. But the point remains: fortune favors the brave.)

So where do you meet women outside the bar scene? Wherever the hell you want. On the El. At the Art Institute. Intelligentsia on North Broadway. The grocery store. (Just not the gym, that’s creepy.) Worst-case scenario is you get turned down and you never see the woman again, but walk away having given someone a compliment. It’s not such a bad thing to do, even if it’s bolder than what people are used to.

Or you could just use Tinder and okCupid like everyone else. I guess I’m just old and romantic.


Hello ‘you can’t have a muff without an uff’,
First, how are you sir? I hope all is well.

Everything’s peachy, thank you.

Fantasy Question: Where do you think Steven Jackson will go round-wise now that he is in Atlanta? Atlanta has become a more pass-heavy offense over the last couple of years, and I don’t think that trend will abate much. I was thinking 2nd round draft for SJ but I’d like your opinion.

I’ve seen him ranked 15th overall, and I think that’s fucking preposterous. Maybe that’s a knee-jerk reaction on my part, because he HAS to be better than shitty-ass Michael Turner was last year, and even Turner was useful every other week thanks to red-zone carries. But I dunno. Too many other weapons, too many miles on Jackson. I’d let somebody else take him unless he fell to me in the third round.

Sex: Long distance question –



I’ve been dating a wonderful girl since October of last year who I feel confident I want to spend the rest of my life with. She told me in December that she will have to go to another city (direct flight connected to our current city) for 2 years for a fellowship that will greatly improve her career as a doctor for the rest of her life. I told her then I thought it could work, especially since she wants to come back to our current city. This would be the first time either of us has attempted an LDR – however we are committed and really I can’t imagine being with anyone else now.

Now, I know your feelings on LDRs. However, in an attempt for you not to scorch my earth I offer the following to see if it will change your mind: both of us have disposable income that will allow us to travel back and forth pretty often, we’ve begun planning trips back and forth and abroad, I want to marry her and vice versa, etc. Am I crazy to think this might work? I don’t want to minimize how hard it will be when we go 3 and 4 weeks without seeing each other, but then again technology has made it much easier to keep in touch. I look forward to your advice as well as the Kommentariat (success stories are encouraged!).

Generic Funny Sign Off
/dick joke
//sorry for the LDR question

Seems to me like you’re in good shape. It’s true that I’m generally anti-long distance, but that’s mostly for recent college graduates who end up with jobs in different cities and are like, “Well, I guess we should give this a try” without really meaning it (and infinitely more so for high school sweethearts going to college in different places). It happens because neither person really wants to admit, “Hey, this chapter of our lives is closed.” Eventually, the sentiment runs into reality, and reality wins. Why? Because no 22-year-old should be driving eight hours every weekend just so he can have sex with the girlfriend he had in college.

It’s different for established professionals who are more mature and ready for serious commitment. If that’s the case — as it is with you, GFSO — then a successful LDR when there’s (1) a definitive endpoint to the separation, (2) disposable income to cover the travel, and (3) trust and communication. You’ve got the first two covered, and the fact that you want to get married suggests that you’re in good shape for #3 as well. Good luck, and enjoy whacking off to Skype.

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