Lord Rog Wants A More Humane Way Of Cutting Players

05.22.13 4 years ago 21 Comments

Speaking at the Spring Meetings yesterday, Lord Roger Goodell said the NFL has been looking at more humane ways to release players from the league.

“We look at our players from a total wellness standpoint,” Goodell said. “It’s not just a physical wellness, it’s a mental wellness. And what can we do to try and make sure that we’re helping our players make the transitions through life and to make sure they’re getting the kind of help they need at any point.”

The secret phrase in his statement being, “Junior Seau.”

Goodell added: “And today one of the focuses was the cutdown process as an example. How do we make the process more dignified? It is in some cases the last experience a player has with a team or any team in the NFL. So we have to do a better job of doing that in a humane way and a way that will make sure they understand the respect we have for them and the pride we have in what they accomplished.

The Texans continued insistance on players bringing their torches along with their playbooks for an elimination ceremony at Reliant Stadium’s 50-yard line does seem rather cold.

“Make sure they understand what they’ll be experiencing as they separate from an NFL team and make sure they have the services that are available to them, which we provide and we think can be incredibly valuable to them.”

“Here is the number for a local insurance broker who likes to hire former players because there are always suckers who think it’s great they’re buying extra flood insurance from a backup defensive end. Be sure to buy lots of khaki pants, they like that down at the State Farm office in Bloomington.”

If Lord Rog is looking for a more human way of releasing players at the end of their careers, there is only one expert he should bring in:

She’s quite the expert on calming large creatures when things are nearing their end.

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