Matt Cassel Meets the Boss

09.08.08 9 years ago 36 Comments

[Int. Coach Belichick’s office]

Matt: Hey coach, thanks for calling me in for this chat, I figure there’s some things we need to talk about.

Bill: [mumbles incoherently]

Matt: Sir?

Bill: Have a seat.

Matt: Yes, sir. So what is it you wanted to discuss?

Bill: Enough dickin’ around. I gotta know right here and right now, are you ready to lead this team to the Super Bowl?

Matt: I certainly hope so, sir.

Bill: The fuck is that supposed to mean? Hope? Fuck hope. Can you play or not, you little shitstain?

Matt: I think I’m good to go, sir, it’s just that I haven’t started a game in almost nine years now.

Bill: You think I didn’t know that already, dipshit? I know every god damn thing there is to know about you, except for all of that namby-pamby personal bullcrap.

Matt: So what is it you’d like to know?

Bill: Well I know you can run the offense, so what I need to know is how to make you… comfortable [grimaces]. As you said, you haven’t started a game since you were in high school, so I want to put you back in that frame of mind. How did you get ready on a gameday back then?

Matt: Well usually my mom would make be a big breakfast before school. You know, pancakes, eggs, bacon. The whole deal.

Bill: Good, good. We can arrange for all that. [into intercom] Peggy, have Matt Cassel’s mother woken from her mid-afternoon chardonnay nap and fly her out here posthaste.

Matt: That’s really not necessary sir.

Bill: I’ll tell you what’s necessary around here. So what else? You want me to get that cute wife of yours off of the President’s cock long enough to give you a servicing?

Matt: That won’t be necessary, I didn’t date Laura until I was a backup at USC who never really had to play. It worked out because I had plenty of time to go to her volleyball matches.

Bill: Well isn’t that sweet. So aside from the breakfast, what else did you do on gamedays?

Matt: I’d always eat a chicken for lunch. That was one of my rituals in my old playing days.

Bill: Fine, whatever, we’ll get you some fucking chicken. Did you do anything besides eat to get loose?

Matt: To tell you the truth, one of the varsity cheerleaders would always make one of the new freshmen girls give me a blowjob right before the game. Not that I’d force them or anything, they’d be totally in to it, for the most part.

Bill: Of course, of course.

Matt: But obviously we can’t arrange for something like that now, can we? [nervous laughter]

Bill: Why the fuck not? [into intercom] Peggy, get us a young cheerleader in here doubletime. And find one with some of those DSL’s I’ve been hearing so much about.

Matt: Uh, sir, I really don’t think any of this is necess-

Bill: Like hell it’s not! Your job is not to make decisions, your job is to do what the fuck I tell you when I fucking tell you!

Matt: Of course, sir.

[Cheerleader enters]

Bill: [mumbles incoherently] So what do you think, Matty?

Matt: Well that’s not a real cheerleader sir, that’s Hayden Panettiere dressed as her character from Heroes. And I happen to know that she’s really 19 years old.

Bill: [into intercom] Peggy, get me some real ones, and make ’em farm fresh.

Matt: Sir, I really don’t think we should be bringing underage girls in here. I could get in a lot of trouble if anybody finds out this time.

Bill: [silencing glare]

Matt: Yes sir, whatever you think is best.

[Three giggling cheerleaders enter]

Matt: Ooooh, braces over there really brings back memories.

Bill: Oh yeah?

Matt: Yeah. Now if you can get that one to puke on my lap afterward it’ll feel just like that last game day all over again.

Bill: Excellent. Oh, by the way, how did you perform in that game?

Matt: 3 for 11 or something like that. Why?

Bill: [mumbles incoherently]

Matt: I’m sorry sir, I didn’t catch that.

Bill: I said “get the fuck out of here!”

Matt: Yes sir. Come on girls, I’ll drop you off at the mall or something. Don’t worry, you don’t have to blow anybody you don’t want to, at least until you rush a sorority.

Bill: Leave them.

Matt: All three?!

Bill: Take metal mouth.

Matt: Thanks, coach!

Bill: [mumbles incoherently]

[Matt exits]

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