Maybe Possibly Truly Absolutely Definitely Perhaps The Most Waffling Peter King Column Yet. We Think.

03.28.11 7 years ago 95 Comments

When we last left oversized paperweight Peter King, he weeping for Japan, lamenting the current state of FM radio, and hanging out at prison with Mike Vick. Is Vick a changed man? PERHAPS. Is he retarded for still refusing to slide? IT’S IN THE HANDS OF FATE.

So what about this week? Well people, this week I dare say that Peter has compiled a list of noncommittal observations so breathtaking in their expanse, you may doubt the certainty of everything you’ve ever known. Will the sun come up tomorrow? I CAN’T REALLY KNOW. Will the tides come in? THERE MAY BE A MISCOMMUNICATION. Does Starbucks really have soy whipped cream? IT CANNOT BE FORETOLD. Read on to find out. Or not find out. There’s a 40% chance you’ll find out.

I’m here to give you 10 truths…

You hear that? TRUTHS. Peter King isn’t here to hedge his bets, America. He is ready to put on his Jason Whitlock hat and give you the unvarnished realness of it all. FYI: A Jason Whitlock hat is made from an emptied McDonald’s oatmeal bucket.

…about what’s still a very cloudy draft…

I am here to give you the TRUTH. Although these things are often very hard to predict.

…with an assist from draftologist Mike Mayock.

“Peterth, I thay Camth Newthon goeth numberth thtwo!”

I also want to discuss five other things on my cranium this morning, as Myron Cope was fond of saying

That’s why Myron Cope is dead now, because those five things on his cranium were inoperable tumors.

The NFL has a specific line in the sand as we head into what could be a long, hot summer of negotiating — or not negotiating.

TRUTH: This will be a very long summer. COULD be. Given all the negotiations. Or lack of negotiations. Or half-negotiations.

…the fact-finding over the past couple of weeks has yielded these truths:

All right! No more fucking around. FACTS have been found. TRUTHS have been discerned. Lay it on me, Pete! LAY IT ON ME. Or don’t.

Someone in the top five is going to fall in love with (Cam) Newton and take him. Carolina? Can’t see it…

TRUTH: Someone will take Cam Newton in the top five. I think.

…not with arch-conservative Jerry Richardson having to sign off on it.

Because arch conservatives HATE black quarterbacks. NO ONE DENIES THIS.

More about (Andy) Dalton in my Tuesday column. I think he could go anywhere from 25 to 75…

TRUTH: Andy Dalton COULD POTENTIALLY MAYBE be drafted in any one of FIFTY potential draft slots. I THINK. I’m not quite sure. Call it a 50% chance he gets taken somewhere in that extremely narrow allotment of selections. Or maybe somewhere from 3 to 206.

and probably more toward the 25 end of things.

But that’s a LEGIT 25th pick there. No denying that the 25th pick will remain the 25th pick.

The Bills like Von Miller and Patrick Peterson a lot.


Not saying they’ll take either.


Just saying they’re high on both…


…and even though GM Buddy Nix has been at every top quarterback’s workout, Buffalo-watchers think it’s more likely the team will go defense.

FACT: The Bills kinda like two players. They also like quarterbacks. But people who WATCH the Bills say it COULD be more likely that the team will go for defense. NO ONE SPECIFICALLY. But those two guys I mentioned do happen to play defense. Coincidence? PROBABLY.

That’s why it’s not inconceivable that Patrick Peterson, a corner, goes number one or two.

TRUTH: It is NOT inconceivable. Which means that it is conceivable. Which means that it could possibly happen. Now, will it? Who knows? But the couldness of it has to mean something here.

Tyron Smith’s starting to look like the top tackle


but he might not get picked first.

A little less not inconceivable.

There’s no clear No. 1 receiver.

TRUTHFACT: I do not know who will be the first receiver taken. There’s no best receiver out there. Except for Julio Jones if he gets taken first. Then he’s the best. I THINK.

The players association has a meeting today to determine what form their draft night event will take.


There’s a slight chance there will be no event at all.




it’s more likely something will happen

But not inconceivable something won’t!

and it could be something different from what leaked out a couple of weeks ago — all the draft choices being called up and greeted by a veteran player or two from the team that picks him.

It could be that. Also, it could be an elaborate art show featuring a gold-painted rhino. Or a big boy’s night out at the titty bar. After much fact-finding, I have discovered that IDEAS could be thought of and then executed upon.

But I was told Sunday it still could take some form similar to that, and plans are fluid, with several options to be discussed today.

NFLPA official: Peter, I have an incredible scoop for you. We might be having a party. But we’re still kinda mulling it over. Is that the kind of story you could use in your column?”


Whenever the players and owners sit across the table from each other again, I’m told the owners won’t bend on one thing: The desire to be rid of federal-court oversight in the new CBA.

Or will they?

I don’t see this being a major issue for the players…

“What’s that? You want to get rid of Judge Doty’s protection of our interests? Eh, seems like a minor sticking point that’s had no impact on our negotiations thus far.”

…because it so rarely comes into play.


But when it does, it can be a doozy of a decision.

FACT: I don’t see the players caring about Federal oversight, because it NEVER comes into play. Except that it does, and that it’s really fucking important.

I’d take NFLPA board member Mike Vrabel’s idea and put it into action: Put some players and owners in the room and let them have at it.

Stupidest thing people say during a labor battle: DURRR JUST THROW THEM IN A ROOM AND LOCK THE DOOR AND GIVE THEM PIZZA AND THEY CAN’T COME OUT TILL A DEAL IS DONE DURRRRRR. Because no one has EVER tried doing that before, ever.

Coaches today don’t seem to age the way they used to. I think it’s because they stay in better shape year-round.

I think they do. That’s a FACT.

I noticed this at the Scouting Combine. John Elway, the new vice president of football operations for the Broncos, was everywhere. In the interview rooms talking to players, out in the stadium watching the workouts.

And he watches CNN! You talk about a man with depth.

It surprised me how much (John) Fox seemed to legitimately like and admire Elway as a club executive

“You know who I like, Peter? That guy who gave me my job.”

(Fox said): “The bottom line is, he did it right. He played, he was a success in business, he raised his kids and now he’s doing something he loves.”

Oh, did I forget all that divorced and going broke stuff? Well, that’s of minor importance. RARELY CAME INTO PLAY.

I’ve known Fox for a long time.

Or a short time.

Plenty of times — and I mean plenty

Though it may have been few.

I’d ask him a question and he’d say we have to talk off the record for a minute, because he didn’t want to lie, nor did he want to mislead me. So I do not take his words as him trying to butter up the boss, or paint a fake picture of the boss for public consumption.

“Peter, I gotta tell you off the record that John Elway is AWESOME. Fantastic. You should see how hard he works out. Now don’t go broadcasting this all over the place!”

There’s going to be the Top 100 Players of Today. NFL Films is counting the last of its estimated 400 ballots from current players, who have been asked since January to name their top 20 current players in the league.

I’ll be interested to see how it’s justified to have the quarterback position be number three on the list of most players in the top 100.

Justification: There is only one QB playing at a time during a football game, as opposed to multiple guards, tackles, ends, receivers, backs, safeties, corners, and linebackers. Every team roster has far more linebackers on it than QBs, and so on. So while quarterbacks are extremely important, they are not particularly bountiful. In fact, that’s what makes them so very important. Or not important. I don’t know. They could be important.

“We gotta quit trying to make the game perfect.”

-Mike Pereira, the former vice president of officiating, and now a FOX analyst, responding to a question at the league meetings about what’s next in instant-replay.

Well, thank goodness for that!

/watches Megatron get robbed of six more touchdowns

Last Monday, I took a couple of hours off from the NFL meetings in New Orleans to go to one of my favorite places to watch a horse race, the Fairgrounds.

I think it’s a horse track. It might also be a beauty salon. I really can’t count on the certainty of anything at this point.

In the third race, a horse owned by Jake Delhomme and his family, Offseason, was running. Offseason is not very good.

Really? A horse owned by Jake Delhomme has a track record of horrible failure? Well, that is just not not inconceivable.

One more reason to put Conrad Hotels at the top of your travel list (if your bosses allow you to expense premium hotels every now and then)…

Oh, do your bosses not allow you to do that? Do they not allow you to expense hotels at all? Do you not have a boss because your local paper mill closed four years ago, and you’ve been forced to hunt out in the woods for wild game and fresh radishes? Well anyway, whatever. Those hotels are the fucking TITS.

I sat down Saturday morning to do waaaaaay too many expense reports…

I take so many awesome free trips that it’s actually become something of a burden! PERHAPS.

…and missing in my file was the hotel bill from my four-night stay at the Scouting Combine in February.

ZOMG! It’s a King Krisis!

“File?” Who am I kidding? My expense file is the outer pouch of the L.L. Bean rolling suitcase I use.

God dammit, who put all these Kit Kat wrappers in here? Oh wait, it was me. OR NOT ME.

I just pull all of the hotel and car-rental bills out of there every few months and start guessing.

Manhole? I don’t remember eating at any Manho… OH! Oh wait, now I remember.

Anyhoo, the Conrad bill wasn’t there…

Or maybe it was.

and I called the hotel around 9 Saturday morning, and a cheerful operator named Adrian asked if she could help me. I told her my situation, and she said, “Give me your e-mail and I’ll send it right away.” Wow. That’s service.

Yes. Who knew that hotels had “computers” that kept a log of all guest stays that could be accessed simply by searching the guest’s name? You talk about an innovative chain of hotels right there.

But I waited 10 minutes, and no bill.

Whoa hey! Ten whole minutes! That’s like a fucking LIFETIME. Or is it?!

I called back and she said, “OK, I’ll print it out and fax it.” Some luck I was having.

I know. Such bad luck. It’s like you live in Japan and have a summer home in Haiti.

We just bought a fax machine, and it keeps ringing into voice mail before beginning the fax, so I had to call back and apologize profusely.

“No problem,” said Adrian. “What I’m going to do is fax it through the computer. It’ll go right into your e-mail. Just give me a couple of minutes.”

Five minutes later, it was there.


Now, I’m sure Adrian, being the operator for a large hotel in a city, has better things to do with her time than give some idiot who was careless with his receipts three attempts to locate a month-old hotel bill.

TRUTH: Adrian should not have helped Peter King.

That’s what makes a very good hotel very good.

What makes a good hotel very good? TOLERATING IMBECILES. Take it from the biggest one of all!

Tweet of the Week

“I gave a guy $800 at highway ramp 2day where he begged, GOOD cause it will give him a new start/BAD cause he’ll buy crack n booze with it?”
–@jimirsay, Indianapolis owner Jim Irsay, at 3:19 p.m. Eastern time Saturday

I see Jim Irsay has absolutely no concept of price fluctuations on the crack and booze market these days.

I think the one takeaway I had from Tony Dungy last weekend is that I can’t see him coaching again.


Not saying it’s impossible.


Want to see why Elizabeth Taylor was so great and so smoldering to half the men in the western world a half-century ago? See A Place in the Sun or one of her other great efforts in her prime.

She was the fucking Barb Billingsley of her time, my friends.

Happy trails, Jeff Blumb, and thanks for all the help over the years.

Ol’ Bulmbkin. What’ll we do without ya?!

I love Butler. How do you not love Butler?

If you go to Wisconsin?

My rotisserie team, the Montclair Pedroias, will be playing from behind, from the looks of the rosters in my New Jersey-based league. My starting eight:

Yes, he actually lists them.

But you know what I like about my team? The unexpected.

Who knows just how they’re going to suck! Maybe they’ll surprise me. MAYBE. I THINK.

Can Morneau be Morneau?

Or will he be Redd Foxx?

Can Ellsbury steal 65 and score 120? Will I risk my Sox karma by relying on Swisher?

Will the Pedroias lead the league in smiles? Does my hero of the year not want to be my hero of they year? Nick Swisher, I mean? Will Charles Ferguson make a documentary that really makes me think this year? THE ANSWER MY FRIEND IS BLOWING THE SIDEWAYS BOSTON WIND.

Coffeenerdness: Saw John Mara, Giants co-owner, hustling down Canal Street in New Orleans last Monday at the league meetings. I knew his dirty little secret.

He kills baby polar bears.

Mara always tells me I got him hooked on Starbucks.


Well, the nearest Starbucks to the Roosevelt Hotel in New Orleans was four or five blocks away, in the lobby of the big Sheraton Hotel…

If it had been a Conrad, the Starbucks would have been INSIDE your room.

…and he had to break away from the pressing business of being on the league’s negotiating committee and serving on the Competition Committee to get his java. Oh, I understand.

TRUTH: John Mara loves shitty mass market coffee. And that, my friends, is the most concrete fact of all. Or it isn’t.

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