Middle-Aged Unemployed Ninja Briton

09.01.11 6 years ago

Father of two and unemployed ex-military guard Ken Andre of Yeovil, Somerset, England, prowls the streets up to four nights a week in his Japanese Ninjutsu robe as a self-styled superhero named Shadow. He carries a wooden pole, wears a sound-amplifying earpiece, and says of a man whom he caught vandalizing his car, “I tied him to the lamppost using his own legs and called the police. That is just one example of what I can do.” That settles it; I’m going to start ending sentences with, “That is just one example of what I can do.”

Tell me more things about this dreamboat that aren’t dissettling in the least, SWNS:

Ken – aka Shadow – said today: “When I was seven or eight I used to see my mum being beaten up by various boyfriends. I vowed not to let it happen again to my friends and family. So I grew up from a little child into a weapon. Even today when I hear cries, it sets something off inside – like a trigger. Something calls me. I am a force for good and have been doing this for many years. I have walked down the streets and no-one has ever seen me – even in urban areas.”

All the best superheroes have triggering situations. That’s a fact. For example, Aquaman goes absolutely batsh-t if you mention the Gorton’s Fisherman.

[Ken] also has developed a special roaring war cry to help disperse crowds of youths. Ken started his remarkable night-time jaunts after him and his brother came across a group of thugs beating up a man six years ago. He said the gang members were so alarmed when he jumped out in his ninja outfit, they bolted.

Who doesn’t wear ninja robes when just hanging out with their brother? Show of hands. That’s right, none, because we all do that. Also, ninjas don’t growl. If you hear a ninja, they aren’t a ninja. Then again, Ken has invented his own ninja style, so growling is allowed:

The crime-fighter has devised his own interpretation of a ninja soldier – called Tengujutsu – after years of research. He also says wife Leigh and two young sons, Troy, aged three, and Drew, aged four, have fully accepted his night-time activities. Ken added: “I have made contact with some of the greatest ninjas in the world. I have created my own form by studying martial arts and the human anatomy. You need to learn how to break down the body quick.”

It is our sincerest hope that, somewhere in Japan, there’s a Japanese man in a Queen’s Guard uniform — complete with the big silly hat — prowling the streets at night looking for ruffians. If he has been in contact with some of the greatest Queen’s Guards in the world, well, that’s just a nice plus.

Relevant photo and video:

[Tip of the bearskin to JapanProbe and SWNS.]

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