Bland, wholesome, childlike: that’s the portrait the Mike Pence Food Diary paints of our nation’s Vice President through the hypothetical foods on his plate. And it’s got the internet cracking up. Some wise guy put together a whole fake site for Pence, featuring Christ himself as his running mate, and ample webspace is dedicated to five fictional days of culinary wonder. Wonder Bread, that is.
Parody Pence capped of his Monday with “3 Slices White Bread, 1 Tall Glass Of Whole Milk, and 1 Bottle Of NyQuil” after a day of chowing down on Arby’s and “Corn Three Ways: fried, boiled, pureed.” Apparently that didn’t sit well, as on Tuesday Pence notes, “Mother and I had the rumbles, so we ended up sleeping in our beds for most of the day.”
“Mother,” Pence’s real nickname for his wife Karen, pops up a few times in his food diary, denying him midnight snacks and making him spaghetti. Other cameos include “a non-relative female” who prevents Pence from eating a normal breakfast and relegating him to “6 Hash Browns” from McDonald’s. The site imagines Pence to be a bland eater fond of mayonnaise and white bread, of infinite varieties of corn and the occasional dinosaur-shaped chicken nugget.
There is no mention in the Food Diary of the real Mike Pence’s favorite food (bacon), the snacks his pets are named after (Pickle and Oreo), or his favorite flavor of ice cream (Moose Tracks). Or that one time he chowed down on a Chili’s Quesadilla Explosion Salad while on the campaign trail. Then as now, people were drawing parallells between what was on Pence’s plate and his own moral fiber. Food and Wine wrote at the time that’s Trump’s “uninspired choice” to make Pence his VP candidate “was quickly overshadowed by an even more mundane decision: Pence’s choice to grab dinner that night at a Chili’s.” That might just be the last time the internet got this worked up about what Pence does or does not eat.