Mike Singletary Is Not Afraid to Pry

03.31.09 9 years ago 19 Comments

[Int. NFL Combine]

Mike Singletary: Great workout, Matt, you sure are putting on quite a display.

Matt Stafford: Thanks coach, so what’s next? Want to watch me do some more keg-lifts?

Singletary: No, I think we’ve seen enough of your physical abilities. What we’re going to do is have you sit down with a friend of mine for an informal chat. How does that sound?

Stafford: Uh, sure, that sounds fine.

Singletary: Very good, follow me this way, son.

[they enter a small interview room with a large mirror taking up one wall]

Singletary: Matt, I’d like to introduce you to a friend of mine. This is Dr. Franz Herzog.

Stafford: Doctor?

Herzog: [speaking with a faint Austrian accent] Hello Matthew, I am Dr. Herzog, PhD.

Stafford: Oh cool, I took a few Phys Ed courses at Georgia.

Herzog: Wonderful, I can already tell I’m speaking to a fellow intellectual. Now Mr. Coach Man, if you will please be leaving us now, we must speak in private.

Singletary: Oh, right! Sure thing doc, I’ll go wait outside and read a magazine [winks without a hint of subtlety].

Stafford: So what’s going on here doc?

Singletary: [speaking to Dr. Herzog through an earpiece from behind the two-way mirror] Reassure him.

Herzog: Oh it’s nothing to worry about Matthew, of that I can assure you. I simply need to ask some questions to get a better idea of who you are.

Stafford: Well I’m 6’2″ and 228 lbs of pure concrete cyanide with an arm like a goddamn missle launcher. Any other questions, doc?

Herzog: Why don’t you start by telling me about your childhood.

Stafford: I was born in Tampa Bay, but my family moved to Georgia where my father attended graduate school.

Herzog: Excellent.

Stafford: Yeah, then we moved to Texas so I could dominate at the highest level of high school football.

Herzog: Were you always so confident in your abilities?

Stafford: Shit yeah!

Singletary: Enough of this stuff, ask him how often he shits.

Herzog: Matthew, how often would you say you evacuate your bowels?

Stafford: Uh, I don’t know, daily?

Herzog: Was this an answer or a question?

Stafford: An answer?

Herzog: Suddenly you seem unsure of yourself, why do you think this is?

Stafford: I don’t know, maybe because you’re asking me how much I shit. What does this have to do with football, you sick fuck?

Singletary: Okay, he’s a bit on edge now. Find out how he responds to being yelled at by a coach without pants.

Herzog: I’ll ask the questions here, Matthew. Now tell me, have you ever been scolded by a man in the nude?

Stafford: Of course, my old man always used to strip down and scream at me. It was kind of his thing.

Herzog: How did this make you feel?

Stafford: I don’t know.

Herzog: Did it make you aroused?

Stafford: [visibly alarmed] FUCK NO!

Singletary: Calm him down, doc.

Herzog: Stay calm or I will be forced to sedate you.

Stafford: What the hell is going on here? Did Coach Singletary tell you to ask me this stuff?

Herzog: These questions are all standard, I assure you. Now tell me, is your father a well endowed man?

Stafford: He makes a good living, but you know, times are tough and all.

Herzog: No Matthew, what I mean is, were you intimidated by the size of his member?

Stafford: This is ridiculous, can we talk about something else?

Singletary: Ask about his parent’s divorce.

Herzog: Very well. Tell me, are your parents still happily married?

Stafford: No. No, they broke up a while back.

Herzog: Interesting, and how does this make you feel? Did you ever harbor violent and/or sexual fantasies about your father?

Stafford: Uh…no. I’m really not comfortable discussing this subject. Can I talk to Coach Singletary now?

Herzog: We’re almost done.

Stafford: Okay.

Herzog: Very good, now tell me, how old were you when you first masturbated while fantasizing about your mother?

Stafford: That’s it, I’m getting the fuck out of here.

Singletary: [re-enters office naked from the waist down] Am I crazy or did that seem a little weird to you, Doc?

Herzog: Yes, very strange indeed. Did you notice how he refused to discuss the divorce of his parents?

Singletary: Of course, it was quite odd.

Herzog: Indeed, highly unusual behavior. Troubling really.

Singletary: [scratches his testicles] No kidding. I’ll be damned if I’m gonna draft a nutcase like that!

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