Well, we did it! We fixed the stadium! Whew! Thank God we got that done! Looks great, everybody! Only took $160 million to spruce it up! I think it’s safe to say that our work rebuilding this city is finally done. We even got that preening asswipe Bono to play a few songs to make it official. Sure, his band hasn’t tried to do anything remotely adventurous since Pop, but that’s all right. Peter King will eat that shit up!
What’s that? Portions of the city still lay in ruins? Pfft. I don’t wanna hear about that. This city is completely rebuilt, you hear me?! I already got a guarantee from Theismann that he’ll say, “The Saints mean so much to this city…” at least 376 times tonight, and Kornheiser’s too much of a pussy to stop him!
So don’t talk to me about homeless black people. It could be worse for them, you know. They could have moved to Houston and then been stuck with the Texans! So many of the people in this town were underprivileged anyway. So this is working very well for them.
See you at the game! I reserved one of the rape-history-free luxury boxes!
NOTE: You can still donate to the Salvation Army’s Katrina Fund by calling 1-800-SAL-ARMY. Oh, and read this.