Missouri Church Giving Away Assault Rifles To Attract More Men

06.25.14 3 years ago 6 Comments

I don’t know much about Pastor Heath Mooneyham or Ignite Church of Joplin, Missouri, but if there’s a Church Rule Book floating around, the good Pastor clearly went Dr. House and threw it the f*ck out the window. In order to bring more male members to the flock, the pastor’s using heavy artillery as bait.

“That really is just, kinda like, bread crumbs. Like, you can kill a weak zombie with [a Smith And Wesson], but if you really wanna double-tap a zombie in style, you’re gonna want our grand prize. And our grand prize — you ready for this? A Black Rain AR-15… these guys really make incredible weapons.”

But, how do you know they make “incredible weapons,” Pastor Heath?

“I actually own one myself, it is my favorite weapon. Period, hands down. This is the lamburgini of AR-15s. And so we’re giving them away Sunday. That’s not one, but two. When are we giving them away?”

Hmm, giving them away you say? When and where Pastor Heath? How do people enter to win? Do tell.

“Sunday. Ya gotta be at Church… get your butts to Church. If you’re late, don’t cry to me that you’re a pansy and you can’t set your alarm. Alright? You’re a big boy. You got big balls between your legs. You’re a dad, right? Get up, set your alarm, don’t be a woos, register, because we’re giving a Smith And Wesson AR-15 and then the grand prize, is to one lucky dude, you’re gonna be the proud owner Black Rain AR-15.”

Church lulz are the best lulz.

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