The phrase “ruined my childhood” gets thrown around a lot these days, especially at movies that have the gall to star four women instead of four men. But it’s applicable here: a YouTube user named “Darth Blender” decided that the Muppets weren’t kinky enough — I don’t know what happens between Gonzo and his chickens behind closed doors; frankly, I don’t want to know — so the childhood-ruining (see?) monster mashed up footage from various Muppets movies and shows with the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer.
It works disturbingly well. Miss Piggy makes for a fine lip-biting Anastasia Steele, while Kermit has very singular tastes as Christian Grey. But doesn’t that go against decades of Muppets mythology, you’re probably not asking yourself? Hasn’t Piggy always been the dominant one? That’s exactly what Kermit wants us, the voyeuristic public, to think. He channels all his nervous energy into the bedroom. A frog in the streets, a freak in the sheets.
Of course, “Fifty Shades of Muppets” gets down on its knees and begs the question: which Muppet is most likely to have a Red Room? Animal is an obvious answer, but he wouldn’t have the patience to make the bed. Maybe the smooth, cologne-reeking Pepe? Or nude Bobo the Bear? Or Dr. Bunsen Honeydew? He and Beaker are probably up to some weird “experiments” back there. Scratch that: the answer is the ever-angry Sam the Eagle.
He doesn’t make love. He… actually, can Muppets even have sex? Please don’t answer that. Your browser history thanks you.