Music’s 10 Newest Illuminati Inductees

03.27.13 5 years ago 75 Comments

For musicians, success constitutes a key component of why they began making music in the first place. While there’s joy that comes from just having your voice heard, many aspire to take their creations to a higher, more recognizable level, one marked by worldwide recognition and being known as one name entities.

But reaching that peak takes more than talent or even luck. It takes sacrifice, just not the old fashioned blood, sweat and tears variety. Oh, there’s blood. And oaths, deep dark secrets and more. Some artists will sell their souls or kill their best friend if it means easy access to success. Getting fast-tracked to the top only comes one way: joining the Illuminati. Yes, The New World Order is the only plausible way these 10 artists skipped to the top of the charts.

PreviouslyMusic’s 5 Newest Illuminati Inductees

1. A$AP Rocky

Where did A$AP Rocky come from? Before “Peso” dropped he was just another one of the thousands of cats out of NY trying to be heard. And right after the single was released he became an instant star, despite having no money behind him. Then a mixtape and a slew of singles, each propelling him higher and higher. Not to mention a tour with Drake and grabbing Rih-Rih’s perfect ass without turning white America’s head. And none of that sounds fishy to you??

Not only that but he’s also one of the most adamant deniers of being in the Illuminati. And it’s always the most vehement rejectors who’re actually in the clique, in case you were wondering.

2. Future

If new members of the Illuminati have probates like fraternities and sororities do on college campuses, Future should by far have the most entertaining skit based solely off his hook from Ace Hood’s club staple, “Bugatti.” Over the past year and a half, Future Ruffin-Vandross-Wonder-Jackson-Winehouse has graduated from underground mixtape commodity to full-fledged star and one of the most in-demand names of the day. Credit a large part of that to his own hustle. Or to a mysterious group of figures who control the music industry your favorite Hip-Hop message board eats, shits, lives, and breathes by.

No word yet if his inclusion means Ciara gets in by default on the next line.

3. Kendrick Lamar

So you mean to tell us blog rap darling Kendrick Lamar dropped a few singles with mixed commercial success towards a platinum-selling major label album? Also, sales came from the same rap geeks who wouldn’t spare a dollar for their other favorite rappers? YEAH, OK.

Kendrick’s got some goat blood spilled somewhere to somehow make good money rapping the way he does. Also, he admitted to being “Illuminated” on a track already. You see, it’s all connected when it comes to K. Dot’s sudden rise to stardom. Wake up, brothers!

4. Hit-Boy

Hit-Boy’s talented. His beat-making skills are comparable to Jordan’s dunking or maybe more accurately Phil Spector’s wall of sounding because sh*t’s engulfing. What he isn’t, however, is a rapper. So who dare let this producer extraordinaire–who’s no Jeezy or Yeezy, mind you–touch a mic and think this is his calling? Huh? Anybody want to step forward?

Also, that beat-making. How did one half of the Surf Club become the guy to ensure an artist’s single exploded. Think about it: fellow Illuminati member Rocky’s “Goldie,” “N*ggas In Paris,” “Backseat Freestyle.” For f*cks sake, he’s encouraging the use of italics. What is the meaning of all of this? No one’s that talented.

5. Rita Ora

Rita’s affiliation with the Illuminati was obvious as soon as she joined the league. Her inexplicable similar look to the preternatural princess Rihanna and signing with Roc Nation did nothing more but seal the deal. Still, that wasn’t enough, oh no, it wasn’t. Miss Ora had to be linked within the circle and who better than a Kardashian, the crew that sold their souls faster than they get hitched. Rob was blind-sided though, because this Albanian sexbomb had that ruby red lipstick on about 20 other cocks.

And if you take that 20, multiply it by the letters in her full name (15), you get 300. The same number of Spartans that fought battle in that battle in 480 AD. Take that year, add 188, because that’s how many millimeters Rita’s feet are, which gives you 668. Then subtract 2, because she has 2 eyes… And you get 666. It all makes sense.

6. Juicy J

Juicy J’s recent resurgence as go-to guest emcee, trippy ambassador, and Taylor Gang consigliere is as suspicious as it is unprecedented. It brings to mind a late-career athlete that suddenly becomes an all-star, MVP candidate after age and injuries slowed him down for years. Is Juicy on Hip-Hop’s version of the cream and the clear? Well, we’re not saying he sacrificed one of his friends for Illuminati membership, but when’s the last time anyone saw Lord Infamous?

7. Azealia Banks

Sugar and spice and everything nice? Not for Azealia Banks. Yung Ratchet Rapunxel is made of firewater and a wicked tongue. Never one to hold back, she’s been in verbal catfights with other artists (Angel Haze, Jim Jones, Rita Ora, Iggy Azalea), called Perez Hilton the dreaded f-word and managed to spew venom at Dolce & Gabbana. Aside from one song (“212”), she’s yet to do anything memorable in the way she entered the game: making music.

And how does the entertainment industry reward her naughty behavior? Banks’ has an album coming out (eventually) and she’s landed a few high profile modeling gigs. Proof that doing Satan’s dirty work does have its benefits.

8. Trinidad Jame$

Please. You think a rapper who first borrowed ODB’s swag to grab our attention with his mixtape cover was going to land a reported $2 million Def Jam deal one song later? About one year after Trinidad James started his rapping career, “All Gold Everything” was in heavy rotation across the nation, with a star-studded ATLien cast on the remix, no less. His meteoric rise to fame and subsequent record deal must mean one thing: you’re looking at the newest member of the Illuminati.

9. Frank Ocean

New York Magazine recently haled Frank Ocean as “The Self-Made Prince Of Pop.” Hard to find fault in that statement; like the rest of his OFWGKA compatriots, Ocean hit the ground running without a major co-sign, letting his music do the talking. And now, thanks to a pair of genre-bending masterpieces (let’s just call them what they are; if anything, Nostalgia, Ultra has grown better with age, and Channel Orange looks like its following the same rout) under his belt, Frank is sitting at the head of his class. Like the Illuminati are going to let anything bad happen to one of music’s purest, most talented stars.

10. Mike WiLL Made It

Make no mistake. Mike WiLL Made It isn’t a newcomer to the game. A product of Atlanta’s music, Mike worked the underground for years, crafting production for everyone ranging from Gucci Mane to others spread throughout Atlanta’s thick, underground scene. But his career went from nothing to something in a matter of minutes once he joined ranks with Meek Mill, Rick Ross and co. for “Tupac Back” in 2011. Ever since, he’s been on a tear, creating tracks for Rihanna, Chief Keef, French Montana, Brandy, Kelly Rowland and more.

Don’t believe Mike took part in some secret rites of passage ceremony? Cut on the radio and be constantly, subconsciously reminded that “Mike Will Made It” as his now known call-out’s jammed into nearly every song on urban stations.

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