My Dear, I Leave You With My Head Held High

04.07.10 8 years ago 60 Comments

Ginny. Darling. Come and sit down. I’ve made a very important decision.

I am leaving you.

Now I know this may come as a surprise to many. They may say, “Tiki! You’re too young to ditch your wife for some blonde white chick!” But I don’t see it quite that way. I’m not your typical football player husband. I’m not obsessed with husbanding the way some of these other husbands are. I have far more diverse interests than that, Ginny. That’s why Rick Reilly admires me so. I am interested in other things, like this girl Traci’s juicy snatch.

I know running backs don’t last long in this marriage business. Don’t you see that? I had to get out of this before I caused lasting, permanent damage to my body. Some backs aren’t so fortunate to see the light. Like Earl Campbell. He stayed married too long, and his wife beat the shit out of him.

I don’t want to be like that. There’s so much more I want to do with my life. I don’t want to sit around with bad knees twenty years from now, wondering why I didn’t get out sooner. I want to travel the world. Maybe get married and have kids. I can’t do that if I’m married to you. Don’t you see that?

I think, in time, you will come to understand why I made this decision, even admire it. You may be upset now. I understand. You’re a fan. But soon you’ll realize that Tiki made the best decision for Tiki. I leave you with my head held high, knowing I gave you my absolute best. And that our marriage never became a shell of its former self. Soon, the new kids will roll in and you won’t even remember me. Circle of life.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go hit that intern tang.

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