Name Five Things Better Than This Peter King Year In Review. You Can’t.

02.21.11 7 years ago 76 Comments

When we last left Jimmy Johnson’s teacup Yorkie Peter King, he was defending himself against calls that the Hall of Fame election committee is too white. Don’t you see, America? The committee is only white because the MEDIA is white. And we all know there’s nothing we can do about that! What are you gonna do, hire one of those people from Media Takeout to vote for the Hall? THOSE PEOPLE ARE MONSTERS.

MTO Commenter 12:55PM
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So what about this week? Did you know there are flamboyant gay people roaming the streets of San Francisco? Name five things the South End needs more than a Peet’s franchise. You can’t. Is the Hall of Fame too secretive? Well, that’s valid… to a point. It’s semi-valid. 40% semi-valid, but a LEGIT 40%. Anyway, it’s time for your Fun with Peter King year in review. Basically, Peter ran a clip show of old columns this week. But they’re totally worth checking out again because they were so awesome the first time. Think about this clip show, people. IMAGINE. RUMINATE. MAKE IT YOUR OWN. READ ON.

It’s been an odd week. I’ve been bronchially ill for much of it.

Oh no, not bronchially ill! That’s the worst bronchial thing to be! Much better to be bronchially inquisitive. Or bronchially rapacious.

My year in review is coming. But first a few words on Dave Duerson. The former Bears’ All-Pro starting safety shot himself in the chest Thursday after texting family members to be sure, after death, that his brain was harvested and analyzed for the kind of degenerative brain condition that has been found to be increasingly common in some former football players.

That was a terribly sad story. RIP Duerson.

It’s hard to transition from that to a breezy look at the season just concluded, so I won’t try. Here goes.

Things I don’t look bad for writing

Man, that Duerson story sure was a downer. In other news, HERE’S SOME SHIT I GOT RIGHT WHEN I WROTE IT! SUCK ON IT HARD, NEW ORLEANS SKYCAP! Know whose brain still is still 100% bronchially functional? PETER TO THE KING, BITCH.

Anyway, take a look at all the awesome points I made!

On April 5, after the Eagles dealt Donovan McNabb to Washington: I like the trade for both teams.

Totally correct prediction! Except for half of it!

What happened: I got it half-right.

But half-right is right enough when you’re me! For you see, Peter King is not unlike a bank. He fucks up so often that he often inspires a pleasant reaction merely by not fucking up entirely! Life is sweet when the world has obscenely low expectations for you. This McNabb deal? Shades of Elway….

On July 26, pre-training camp: I have no information for you, other than I, like all of you, think Brett Favre’s going to show up in time to play the third preseason game.

BOOM! Another flawless prediction. Granted, everyone else predicted the same thing, but I’ll still take it! You know, I’ve got a funny feeling this Aaron Rodgers kid will be with the Packers for a long, long time. BOOK IT.

On Aug. 23: I’d put the odds at the owners locking players out of team facilities on March 1, 2011, or thereabouts, at 80 percent.

What happened: I still would.

I’m extremely proud of this prediction, because it hasn’t had time to be proven correct yet! So it’s still in play!

Things I wish I had back:

1. That sixth Kit Kat

2. The Winter Pils I ordered at Houston’s last week. Terrible beer. Not even close to tasting like a Peroni, which is my measuring stick for all beer.

g. Not saying anything to the catwoman in Row 5 of my Air Trans flight. Who’s the pussy now, Peter?

Xvii. Not being more horse conscious.

%: Those pants Steve Young barfed all over sixteen years ago. Those were my lucky pleated Dockers. You don’t come across a pair of pants like that very often. I never should have gotten him those extra Ring Dings. But that’s what a dogged reporter does for his story.

3f. Not coming around on the 3-point shot sooner. I get it now!

On July 26: Ran into Larry King at Nate and Al’s deli in Beverly Hills. That’s his breakfast haunt.

“Haunt” is just such an appropriate word there.

“Who’s your surprise team of the season?” he asked me. I said, “Carolina.”

LARRY: And who do you see them going against in the playoffs?

PETER: The Marlins.

Now for a MMQB timeline of the season

June 14th: Hey, I’m at the World Cup! A small African child bartender just let me keep my pintglass! YOU TALK ABOUT WELCOMING!

June 15th: Hey get that ref from Chad off the pitch! THAT COUNTRY IS TOO SMALL AND AFRICAN TO BE LEGIT!

July 26th: I’m disgusted by Dez Bryant being forced to pay $55,000 for a rookie dinner. In other news, the velvet footstool they brought my wife at Per Se last week was an extraordinary gesture. And they let her keep it! For $600 for two at dinner, they should have.

July 27th: The Acela train! It left without me! First they give me coffee-flavored, water-flavored water, and now they leave South Station in a timely manner! WHAT THE FUCK.

August 3rd: Tell me if you like this roto trade: Albert Pujols AND Roy Halladay, for Derek Jeter, Mark Wohlers, and a crisp Blue Moon lager with a wedge of orange in the bottle. I know! It sounds crazy! But I love Jeter’s hustle, and a Blue Moon paired with lettuce wraps hits the spot.

August 12th: I like Carson Palmer. I know Carson Palmer. I see Carson Palmer. I six the sandbox. I seven the sandbox. I eight the sandbox. I ATE THE SANDBOX?!

/Sesame Street’d

August 17th: Great nugget from Adam Schefter: The Broncos like Tim Tebow A LOT.

August 23rd: TEASE ALERT: I’ll tell you what nugget Adam Schefter might have in store for us this week!

September 1st: Still scared of the Rays.

September 4th: Whoa, naked guy in the Wrigley bathroom!

September 7th: Think it’s funny that Antonio Cromartie can’t name his kids? Well, I think it’s just sad, and I bet Paul Krugman agrees with me. Shame on you all.

September 13th: You can’t order chili at Chili’s? IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK JOKE?!

September 17th: Tenacity, Brett Favre. You have it!

September 18th: Max Hall really showed me something with that goal line fumble right there. Shade of Warner.

September 24th: I think Donta Stallworth is ready to contribute to the Ravens. After all, he told me he only had three beers the night he killed that one guy with his Bentley. Odd that his BAC completely contradicts that claim. But that’s sports for you. Always such a gray area.

October 6th: Think the Pats traded Randy Moss because of a fight with Bill Belichick. TOTAL LIE, I’ve been told by a Patriots official, who assures me the fight never happened, and that Robert Kraft once revived an AIDS baby to full health merely by kissing its forehead.

October 8th: You want someone to talk about the human race with? You talk with Ernie Accorsi.

October 14th: Think you have to travel a lot for your job? Bob Papa just flew to three cities in one week and took a bus to Scranton! I’m starting to think he’s the star of “Multiplicity 2: Papa in the ‘City”!

October 19th: Holy crap, did you know they still buried people at Arlington National Cemetary? Remind me to go back to the Anne Frank House to see if there are still some Jews under the floorboards! NOW THAT WOULD HAVE MADE IT AN EXHIBIT.

October 24th: You know, the City of United (Airlines) Bears could be a playoff team if Jay Cutler just doesn’t throw picks! And if he doesn’t gash out during a playoff game. But I can’t imagine that ever happening. Tough kid. Raised right.

November 1st: When you consider the season Tom Brady is having, and that he’s doing it bicoastally by flying in a private jet every other weekend to go fuck his supermodel wife, you have to be in awe.

November 11th: What would we ever do without recycling? Or hair nets, for that matter?

November 17th: Call me nuts, but I still say Willie Colon is exactly the 48th best player in the NFL.

November 18th: Bad coaching, bad special teams, and mindless turnovers aside, you don’t want to play the Chargers in Wichita.

November 28th: Bob Ryan to me: “Lions? More like lyin’ down!” Gotta love him.

November 34th: There is NO best team in this league! Except for New England. But name me five #1 teams after that. You can’t.

December 2nd: Matt Ryan! YOU’RE OF AGE.

December 10th: Do you people not understand that Peyton Manning has NOTHING to work with right now, expect for Pierre Garcon and Reggie Wayne, who are both above average wideouts any other team would like to have? The man is STARVING.

December 17th: Now here is something I didn’t know about tailgating: sometimes people call a game called “Beer pong”: where a ping pong ball is thrown into a beer cup and you have to drink it. The iPad Generation, I suppose. Glad this game was invented well after my kid went to Colgate! She only played Beirut, which I’m told was some sort of tea party simulation.

December 23rd: Rams in first? NO THAT’S NOT A MISPRINT.

December 27th: Back on the Acela, ooh/ahhing my way home to Fall Foliageville. I am more than alive. I’m PETERLIVE.

December 29th: Another great night in the NBC viewing room with my guys Rodney and Tony. As in Harrison and Dungy? As in NFL legends? As in, there’s free Ferrero Rocher in the viewing room too? TELL ME I EARNED IT.

December 30th: How can you be out of eggnog, Cumberland Farms?

February 7th: Packers are champs of the sleety Dallas moonscape! Now let me explain to you just how much warmer it was in Vancouver today. AND TO THINK A SUPER BOWL WILL BE PLAYED IN NEW JERSEY. IT IS CRIMINAL. The GALL of these people.

Factoids of the Year That May Interest Only Me

-Here’s a great Barb Billingsley quote: “Oh, Beav.”

-Sean Taylor? Still a flop in my book. A good safety would have intercepted that bullet.

-Nice airport you got there, Indy. Nice people, too. Earthy.

-You haven’t seen clean streets until you’ve seen the streets of Boston. Or at least, the four-square-block, gentrified area of Boston that I keep to. It’s cleaner than Singapore.

-Chris Canty! You’re a man! WITH A PENIS AND EVERYTHING!

-Did you know many NFL coaches also like to read about military history? I would not have guessed.

-I’ll tell you what makes Tom Dimitroff different from other NFL GMs. That mean watches CNN. Find me another football guy with that kind of thirst for knowledge.

-The amazing thing about soccer is how often goalies have to use their shoulders and ribs.

-Geez, didn’t it seem like 2010 was a busy time for death?

-Take away the passes he drops and I smell greatness on Jordy Nelson.

-I saw a man jogging with a latte in his hand the other day. What a country.

-49ers Interim head coach Jim Tomsula keeps his spoon in his soup. Good for him. Because that looks like a fine minestrone.

-To: De Smith
From: Me, representing everyone in the football world.
Re: The lockout

De, Jerry Richardson said he saw Roger Goodell do 500 pushups in three minutes yesterday. That’s the kind of adversary you have at the negotiating table this spring. THINK ABOUT IT. If you want a deal, you better dial up Pittsburgh Phil’s phone and have him pray to his Art Rooney corpse wallpaper. Sportswriter of the Year award: WON.

NOTE: Read Craggs’s King piece today.

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