A Guided Tour of New York City with Pete Carroll

01.30.14 4 years ago 39 Comments


Gentlemen, we’ve been through a grueling season followed by two painstaking weeks of preparation for Sunday, not to mention an exhausting gauntlet of media obligations. Tired though you may be, I didn’t want us to squander the opportunity that this trip affords to explore New York City. It’s truly a remarkable place teeming with energy, but even more than that, it’s the nexus of the dark forces of corporate avarice that pull the strings of power across the globe! So let’s check it out!

/plays Macklemore album on loop


Our first stop brings us to Lower Manhattan and the World Trade Center complex, the site of a historic false flag attack perpetuated by the American government, under the supervision of the Bilderberg Group, against its own citizens in order to promote the aims of its imperialist agenda. Bush lied. People died. 12th Man can’t abide. Close your eyes and you can hear the screams of the jumpers, desperately fleeing burning building as global financiers were plotting ways to profiteer from the wars to follow. In the place of the Twin Towers is One World Trade Center, the tallest building in the Western Hemisphere, hopefully free of planted explosives and a reminder that we should be always vigilant for government saboteurs, which is also why each of you has received a 87-page evacuation plan in case of a false flag attack at the Super Bowl.


Following a quick ferry ride, we find ourselves at the world famous Statue of Liberty. Construction of the statue, which was a joint gift of the French government and the Illuminati, was completed in 1886. Nowadays, it functions as a government holding cell for Osama bin Laden and Tupac. Don’t try to search for them. The government uses military cloaking technology to hide the cells.


Next we find Rockefeller Plaza, home to 30 Rock, which you have probably heard of as the place where they filmed the fake moon landing broadcast that fooled a nation into believing the country was holding its own in the space race against the Russians. Macklemore has also performed here on Saturday Night Live. He’s our greatest performer, which makes you wonder how the Trilateral Commission lets him get away with such moving music that speaks the truth.


To many of you, this looks like an ordinary office building, but I assure you it is not. It’s actually the home of Goldman Sachs, the true overlords of the kleptocracy we call The United States of Amerikkka. Goldman worked in concert with shadowy forces on the fringes of power to create a New World Order, with Jim Harbaugh involved in some capacity. Other item of note about this site: it’s where the president’s money bin is located.


This, my friends, is Zuccotti Park, the birthplace of the Occupy Wall Street movement. While my job prevented me from joining the protests before demonstrators were forcibly removed by goose-stepping corporate thugs, I was sure to join them in spirit. That explains why, those of you who were here for the 2011 season will certainly recall, I coached solely by use of Socratic dialectic. Sure, we only won seven games that year but understood better than anyone why we only won seven games.


This is a bit far afield from where the rest of the tour has gone, but it’s important enough to spend the extra time to venture into Queens to see it. This is one of the works of guerrilla artist Banksy in New York. I usually enjoy his commentary on the ills of capitalism but this one about the fallacy of permanence rings true as well. Except for Super Bowl titles. Those really do last forever! I’ve invited Banksy to join us in the locker room on Sunday and he responded that he would. Due to security concerns I will be unable to identify him to you at that time. Just know he will be among us. Probably telling Macklemore how awesome he is.


At last, we reach out last stop on the tour, the Federal Reserve Bank of New York. Now, I’m gonna ask that all of you remain on the bus, as your ol’ pal Pete has to drop off this ticking briefcase to a secluded spot in the lobby. I ask that you all stay on the bus because we might have to make a swift getaway when I return. New York traffic can really bottleneck this time of day and I wanna make sure we get back to the hotel before emergency personnel have a chance to… I mean, get to bed at a decent hour. Sleep is important. Win forever!

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