The NFL and the Cable Companies Are Thankful For Your Money

11.21.06 11 years ago 17 Comments

If you’ve got cable and you want to Run to the Playoffs with the NFL Network you might have to run to the nearest sports bar. The lucky ones are those of us who have Comcast, and we already know what it’s like to be anally violated by a demonic corporate beast (What the fuck is a service charge? The only service they provide is the not-quite-optional reacharound from the ex-con fixing your cable)…fuckers.

As you probably know by now, this Thursday marks the debut of the NFL Network’s live televised NFL action…what a concept. The downside here is that this Thursday is also Thanksgiving, and there’s no way in hell I could ever go to a sports bar on Thanksgiving…usually I’m drunk and drugged by the 8 pm. So the millions of subscribers to other company’s services are pretty much shit out of luck. But here’s the best part…nobody cares.

Another beautiful example of a professional sports league bending their loyal fan base over a barrel in the pursuit of extra revenue. I’m starting to think Roger Goodell might be a member of the tribe after all (“They have return! And they shape shift!”). The most troubling part of all is of course the reaction of us, the fans. If Seth Sutel’s article from Business Week is any indication, we are long overdue for a shit storm (literal not figurative you pussies) outside the offices of the offending cable companies and the NFL Network (which are in Los Angeles…their assholes but their sense of irony is spot on).

The cable companies are in a tough spot on this dispute. If hard-core fans can’t see the games they want, the complaints could start pouring in — something Time Warner says hasn’t happened yet. On the other hand, no one’s going to like it if the cable companies pass along the costs by raising rates.

Seriously, people aren’t even complaining enough to draw attention. Consider this a call to arms to all my brothers (and sexy sexy sisters) on these here ebays of the internets. You can write, you can call, or you can just be a man (or a sexy sexy woman) and start flinging all your spare fecal matter at the offending parties. This cannot fail.

As for the game itself, I have Comcast…so I’m all set (suck it Manhattan!), although it’s still likely to be a painful experience. I have relatively high hopes for Bryant Gumble, he’s a professional, he gets away with calling out the NFL on their bullshit, and I’ve really missed him since Gumbel 2 Gumbel was canceled (probably by Rupurt Murdoch who owns DirecTV…it’s everywhere).

Chris Collinsworth or a drag queen in prep?
What if I told you you’re both right!

Sadly he’ll be reduced to another bland voice being steupped on by the interminable Chris Collinsworth. I would never wish death on anybody under any circumstances…but if you pressed me, CC would make the top 25 (even being a former Gator cannot save him from my godly vengence). Yes Chris we get it, you are a rare analyst insomuch as you have actual knowledge of the game and we all know how great you are on HBO (Bill Simmons and the Emmy voters just won’t shut up about it). All of this doesn’t change the fact that you are a pompous douche who’s bias shines through like misplaced spotlight off of your forehead.

The only guarantee is that the Smarmy Factor will reach new heights in that booth. I wonder how many times they’ll mention how full they are after a big pre-game dinner…as a viewer I can totally relate to that kind of shit. Thank God Dick Vermeil will be handling the Saturday night duties for the last two games of the year. I’ll take man-crying over man-impersonating any day of the week and twice on Thanksgiving.

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