NFL Schedule Release Spoilers

04.23.14 3 years ago 65 Comments


Today is NFL release day. Have you already reserved your NFL Release Day booth at Buffalo Wild Wings with appropriate Pepsi products? You should! But if for some reason you can’t make it out for the big celebration, KSK has you covered.

– NFL releases a schedule of schedule releases to coincide with every day of the NBA Playoffs because Mark Cuban had to open his big mouth.

– Chiefs open the season at Broncos, vs. Seahawks, at 49ers and vs Patriots because no one wants a repeat of last year when they got a big defeated streak going by beating no one.

– Manning-Brady XVI tentatively set to coincide with Game 1 of the World Series. Replays of the game will air on NFL Network during the rest of the series.

– Deion Sanders and Jerry Rice face off in a televised sock wrestling match to decide who opens the season on Sunday night.

– The Thanksgiving night game will be a Manning-Brady Thanksgiving, where 60,000 sit at a dinner table and speak of the ways they’re grateful for the historic rivalry.

– A mediocre team gets to host a Monday night game for the first time in a while and their fans act like it’s a big deal even though MNF isn’t what it used to be.

– Steve Smith’s chance at revenge against the Panthers moved to pay-per-view on account of all the blood and guts.

– Secret second Pro Bowl on Christmas Eve.

– With CBS getting Thursday night games this year, the schedulers step up the quality of games on paper, though they still end up sucking because Thursday night.

– Roger Goodell let one lucky fan pick the entire schedule.

– New this season: Wednesday morning games to wipe out the growing European soccer menace.

– Next London game scheduled to be played at Old Trafford DURING a Manchester United game so Roger Goodell can show the world what a pussy sport soccer is.

– DeSean Jackson’s first game against the Eagles not scheduled until November because everyone knows gang violence goes down as the temperatures fall.

– Seahawks host the Thursday night opener against BLAINE GABBERT and the San Francisco 49ers.

– The NFL has ALREADY RELEASED the schedule, though they have done it through an alternate-reality-game involving tweets from Michael Wilbon that lead fans down a rabbit hole of mysterious ESPN partner sites and sub-blogs.

– Secret plan to expand schedule to 18 games: Goodell to retroactively declare last two preseason games as regular season games after they’re played

– Atlanta is only scheduled 15 games. No one notices.

– As usual, there are 8,000 early games each Sunday and only three late games.

– Every team plays the same team it’s played in Week 17 for the past five years because the NFL likes that for some reason.

– Bye weeks now become voluntary games weeks, though the media is instructed to deride as lazy any player who refuses to take part.

– The NFL announces that every NFL game for the 2014-2015 season will be held at the same time as the weddings, graduations, birthdays and baby showers of your friends and family. All playoff games will air at the same time as the series finales of your favorite TV shows.

– After the schedule is released, the Jaguars find out they’ll be playing home games in Jacksonville, London, and Guantanamo Bay.

– HUGE REVELATION: The NFL schedule for 2015 will be released to a limited audience of 2000, who will have the schedule printed on the inside of their Papa John’s pizza boxes the next time they order.

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