NFL Will Implement GPS Technology

08.15.13 4 years ago 26 Comments


Today the NFL and Roger Goodell announced the formation of there very own spy division, blurring the line between the Patriot Way and PATRIOT ACT and issuing league supplemented GPS tracking devices to teams. I can see the GPS systems being useful for things like preventing Reggie Bush from getting lost on his way to the endzone or trying to calculate the unused space in Michael Strahans mouthguard, but I’m always wary when it comes to 1984 type situations unless there planning on using drones to eliminate WRs who dog it back to the huddle.

In the first place if your a North-South runningback your basically a human GPS already. In the second hand, the logical next step is to put GPS units in tickets and I don’t want NFL security to come down to the lower bowl and kick me out of a seat I snuck into fair and square. Don’t get me wrong Id love to see the data on how much faster stadium lines move now that girls arent allowed to bring pantyshields or diaphrams into games anymore, but something tells me is already one step ahead of me on that one though.

Im actually more in favor of the NFL using the GPS systems of the field to keep a eye on players who are known to lack homing discipline and find themselves in the wrong place at the wrong time all the time. Setting up “hotspots” for stripclubs or hoodie stores in any given NFL city would trigger a alarm back at the League office so that you can tell which players are being distractions. You can also keep data like how often your QBs taking the OLine guys out for steaks verse lounging in Mexico with some girl he met. There’s big money invested in the players who are technically products, and you know every Fortune 500 company puts tracking devices on there shipments, theyd be dumb not to.

Also the NFL is doing a great job at blowing smoke up the Unions skirt on this one by telling them the GPS things will be used to make them look like superheros  with extra swag on TV, and  offering extra units to Cromartie to keep track of his family, when in reality the onfield and off-field data becomes property of the NFL and owners for them to use in contract negotiations such as “you ran from the cops 1.7 MPH faster then you ran on your dive plays so your going to have to take a paycut.” Numbers never lie folks, and the NFL just issued mandatory polygraphs.

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