Now That I’m No Longer Coaching, I Can Get Back To Doing What I Love Best: Curing Gays

10.03.08 9 years ago 35 Comments

I can’t begin to tell you how thrilled I am to see the Redskins get off to such a great start this year, especially after that big, big win against the Cowboys. It’s comforting to know that I left the team in such capable hands. I think that team’s got a real bright future, and I take great pride in what we were able to accomplish when I was there. Heck, we even went to the playoffs twice!

(big dorky laugh)

As for me, I’m trying not to get too caught up in football these days. I still follow the Skins, and I still love my racing teams. But in the twilight of my life, I’m grateful that I now have a chance to do what I truly love, namely curing gays.

People, God has a game plan for all of us. And that game plan includes faith and family. But you know what it doesn’t include? Tossing on a pair of leather chaps, heading down to the local rainbow bar, and tongue-basting the first sweaty cock you can get your hands on. No, sirree. That isn’t what God wants at all. You’re not going to get on the path to victory if that path includes numerous breaks at rest stops for a random ass-stuffing. If you want to be a winner in life, you have to…


I’ve traveled all across the nation since I’ve retired, and I’ve met so many young men that say to me, “Coach Gibbs, I want to be a winner in life and give glory to Jesus. But I just can’t resist the urge engage in hour-long torture orgies with my fellow parishioners, licking up all the man-frosting I can find.” These are good Christian men, just like you and me, who want to do right by the Lord. They want to lead good Christian lives, and keep the Devil out of their pants. They want to be good role models for their children, and not pleasant but distant fathers who have mustaches and live in Key West, holding baby oil buttbang parades every Tuesday night.

I feel so blessed to have a chance to work with these men, all across the country. To show them that the best play in life is the end around, and not a blast up the middle. I love football, and I love cars. But, to me, there’s nothing quite like the thrill of having a cured homosexual look me in the eyes and tell me, “Coach Gibbs, I just wanted to let you know that I haven’t teabagged a stablehand in over 40 days.” That’s better than winning a Super Bowl, I tell you. Because it means I’m making an impact on real lives, by making sure our young men don’t spend their weekends having their stools impacted with pool boy dong.

So what is God’s plan for putting you back on the winning, non-dickgobbling team? Well, we came up with a simple 10-step plan:

1. Admit that you have a cock problem.
2. Admit that you have no control over the problem, especially when Cuban men are around, because Cuban men are so fucking hot.
3. Admit that, only by turning yourself over to the Lord, will you be able to stop getting snaked like a tub drain every week.
4. Apologize to those whose dicks you sucked.
5. Apologize to your wife and children for sucking dick.
6. If you find yourself relapsing, call your sponsor immediately. DO NOT USE YOUR SPONSOR TO TURN IT INTO A THREE-WAY.
7. Attend regular meetings. Bring fruit salad.
8. Stop wearing cutoffs.
9. If you find yourself sucking a dick, remember that you’re just killing Jesus all over again.
10. Take life one vagina at a time.

Using these steps, and advanced waterboarding techniques, we’ve helped thousands of young men avoid the churrascarria of hot beef kebabs out there, and turn to a life of faith and goodness. It’s amazing to see what kind of difference you can make out there, especially if you threaten people with total community exile, veiled threats of physical violence, and visions of Satan flogging them to death with his fiery whip for time eternal. I may have a few trick plays up my sleeve, but that’s nothing compared to what’s in Jesus’ playbook!

In the past year alone, we’ve cured over 3,000 men infected with homosexuality. You should see the looks on their faces now! They seem to be happier than ever! Because they forged a deep and meaningful relationship with Christ, and not with Jake from the laundromat. I’m trying to bring about a return to glory, and not a return to glory holes.

And that’s what God’s game plan is all about. More Redskins, less red foreskins. We all have our calling in life. And I’m lucky to be here right now, doing what I know God wants me to do. So get that cock out of your mouth! We’ve got a game of life to win!

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