Now THIS Is A Fantasy Draft Board

08.15.07 10 years ago 42 Comments

The KSK Keeper League Draft is this evening. I’ve never been in a keeper league before, so my board is completely fucked. I’d like to draft for the future, but who the fuck wants to wait a whole year for a team to be good? I want to win now, bitch! Now I know how Dan Snyder feels. This building for the future idea is horseshit. I have the 6th pick. But, since Leitch drafts at #2, it’s really like having the 5th pick. C’mon, Steven Jackson!

Anyhoo, while composing my board, I got the idea that we needed a genuine fantasy board, one that had actual fantasies on it. So the KSK Voltron assembled, and these were the fantasies that spurted out. Consider these the innermost fantasies of our collective subconscious. I have ranked them in some particular order. You can probably tell which ones are Ufford’s.

-Everything Steve Martin wishes for in the above video
-Scarlett Johansson naked in a plastic kiddie pool full of baby oil
-Year long NFL season, which subsequently bankrupts all other sports
-Sitting in a comfortable chair with a tub of popcorn as I watch commenters drown
-Three shelves of single malt scotch and bourbon, a crystal rocks glass, and an ice box
-A summer home on Lake Washington in Seattle. A winter home on South Beach
-Sea Gals out of hot water, can they use my shower?
-Tonight’s draft lasts less than four hours
-A license to kill
-The ability to piss pure Yuengling
-Magic Carpet, with complementary harem
-A leather jacket that makes its own milk!
-That dinosaurs would roam the earth once more
-Flatter abs, bigger biceps, wider shoulders, two more inches to my height and length
-The ability to tan
-The ability to shit greenbacks
-Fucking flying, bitches
-An end to baseball bloggers emailing us their stupid shit
-Being hired by Josh Homme to front Queens of the Stone Age
-Tenure at Arizona State
-My own personal M1A1 tank (with full-time crew)
-A Suburban like Laurence Maroney’s
-Large piranha tank
-Optional vampirism
-Pet dingo
-World class opera singing ability
-A gong to voice my displeasure
-The Royal Shakespeare Company available at my beck and call to act my favorite movie and TV scenes
-Have my seminal fluid taste like grape jelly
-The collective burning of every New Found Glory CD
-A request from the President to design an aggressive euthanasia program. Say goodbye, hobos and retards and fat chicks!
-Operation Ivy League Human Shield in Iraq
-That Man Vs. Wild Was REAL, dammit!
-Bill O’Reilly blinded by a sudden burst of understanding like in The Allegory of the Cave
-A microwave burrito so hot even God couldn’t eat it
-Bakula-like ability to Quantum Leap into certain people at certain points in time, including the guy who was in Jenna Jameson’s first sex scene
-Tequila bender with Mel Gibson
-Posts that write themselves
-KSK bought by Rupert Murdoch for $5 billion
-Free reign to paddle Kim Kardashian on the ass with a tennis racket
-Replacements tour
-A magical remote control to turn up the funny on certain Deadspin commenters
-Some really, really good nachos that never congeal, get soggy, or get cold
-Cameo in a Sam Peckinpaugh film
-Pillow fight with Keeley Hazell

Actually, flying belongs at the top. But that would involve some semblance of effort. And if I have one true fantasy, it’s to never have to make any sort of effort whatsoever

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