Paris Hilton Signs With Cash Money Because

05.22.13 4 years ago 31 Comments

Paris and Tunechi, labelmates

Hear ye, hear ye! The news on running through these tweets is Paris Hilton’s now a Cash Money Millionaire.

Makes zero sense. Well, for Cash Money, they can say they own Paris Hilton and it won’t cost them much money because they’re liable to stiff her out of any money she happens to make. But who the hell is buying Paris Hilton’s music? I can’t imagine anyone even caring enough to steal her music to give away on Pirate Bay.

Yet, here we are. Paris Hilton’s got a brand spankin’ new record deal while your favorite artist still toils away on Fruity Loops in a makeshift apartment studio littered with blunt guts and empty Carpi Sun pouches. She’s all up in Birdman’s “Tapout” video but you can’t get your used-to-be 8th grade best friend to let you borrow his Nikon so you can shoot a video for that latest mixtape banger you made in between dinner and dealing with your choleric-chested one-year-old.

Yes, this is the music industry 2013. Welcome to it.

How long can a relationship like this last when Paris Hilton thinks gay men are “disgusting” and “probably have AIDS” and her new boss…well, do we really have to bring that picture up?

Anyways, if you need to see and hear what a Paris Hilton song crossbred with Cash Money will be like, flashback to her “Last Night” remix featuring Weezer.

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