It’s the offseason, but that doesn’t mean you have to go the entire spring and summer without laughing at stupid people on the internet. Between now and the kickoff to the new season in September, we here at Kissing Suzy Kolber have taken it upon ourselves to bring you the greatest non-football takes on Facebook and other esteemed social media outlets. We may sneak in a few teams here and there as news warrants, but for the most part all groups, NFL or not, are now fair game. Enjoy!
So yeah, remember in February when we were upset that we’d never get to do Patriots fans, and then the offseason investigation happened, and suddenly we were bequeathed a cornucopia of terrible opinions? The offseason isn’t technically over yet, but I think we can safely assume that Patriot Facebook Commenters have won the title for Offseason Hot Take Champions. As per usual, I’ve compiled some of the very finest below. Please join me as we again dive into the deep end of Tawmmydom.
YOUR TEAM THAT YOU’RE NOT ACTUALLY A FAN OF IS THE WORSTThe logic here is fantastic. Half of you aren’t fans! Brady will beat your team though! The team that you’re not a fan of, I mean. Uh.
Wow, that sure was cringeworthy. I take it you enjoy the Thor franchise, Mr. Enos. There is a 100% chance that Edward has written Thor fanfiction about the New England Patriots. It exists, Internet. Accept that and DO NOT SEEK IT OUT.
THIS WEEK IN UNIMAGINATIVE GOODELL PARODY NAMES
It took me two minutes staring at “GoToHell” to figure it out, because it’s so dumb. So very dumb. There were others. Heck, even Thorboy up there somehow tortured GOD-dell out of it. Here are three impossibly stupid ones I just made up that are totally not all over the internet already:
Reginald Arthur Coddlesworth POOSMELL
Roger Moo-dell because cow I guess
Anyway, stop doing this, internet.
HE IS HONESTLY WAY TOO BORING TO MASTERMIND THIS A Peyton Manning criminal enterprise would be flawlessly researched, complex, innovative, dangerous, and then completely fall apart in temperatures under 50 degrees.
HE IS THE SHINING STAR OF HUMANITY, ACTUALLYNo one else can take the heavy BURDEN placed upon all NFL players to totally not get caught doing something mostly trivial to a ball and then breaking all of your shit to destroy the evidence. Thankfully there is TOM BRADY, the universe’s guiding light. He, like Jesus, and really probably more than Jesus, will put us all on his back and stick up for the FUTURE of an UNNAZIFIED National Football League.
NO. NO DON’T SAY IT. I KNOW YOU WANT TO BUT DON’T…DAMNIT NO. NOOOOOOO.If he was black, you’d have all tossed him out as soon as the allegations came out.I don’t want to interact with you.
I FEEL LIKE THIS IS SOMEHOW THE FAULT OF A DIVISION RIVALOne hundred seventy three likes! One hundred seventy three people thought”Yes, YES. I agree! JETS CONSPIRACY! GOODELL ONCE DID A THING FOR THE JETS. I KNEW IT ALL ALONG. FACK THE YANKEES BOOOOOO JETER BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”
WE ASSUME THE BABY IS NAMED TOM BUT IT’S PROBABLY BRADYEN OR DRYMBOAT
So, the way this reads, it sounds like Sandra thinks murder only warrants a 4 game suspension. I still believe in humanity and choose to chalk that up to awkward wording and not her actual belief. People are still generally good, right?
PS: Overflated is not a word.
PPS: die, break, would have, etc.
OH NO YOU’VE MERGED THE TWO WORST INTERNET PEOPLE INTO ONE TERRIBLE BEING
If there’s one thing worse than sports internet, it’s technology internet. People sure do love taking sides in the gigantic slapfight that is defending multibillion dollar corporations and their various products of roughly equal worth and value. In Brady’s Facebook defense post (which I seriously considered pasting in the middle of these, because lol facebook defense posts), he makes sure to name drop that he went from a Galaxy to iPhone. To some people, that’s nothing, but TECHNOLOGY INTERNET WILL NOT LET THIS STAND.
ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT THERE ARE PATRIOT FANS WHO JUST STARTED AROUND 2001
This sounds like it was written by a spam bot who’s about to pitch me fake sunglasses, right? The grammar here is just so woefully jarring, and not in the expected ways we’re used to from internet comments. So I took a look at his page quickly and yeah, he’s a real dude. But you know what? He has a heart. I have a heart. Tom Brady has a heart. Bill Belichick has a gaping hateful chasm where a heart goes, and most importantly, we all have a heart for watching Patriots fans squirm around spouting defensive logic.
I searched around this comment and there wasn’t any talk of feminism anywhere. I…I’m not sure what Gamergate garbage Lucas is embroiled in right now, but…I’m entirely certain there’s no one bringing up feminism in these comments. That’s probably a good thing, because I’d rather plunge my face into boiling tar than debate gender politics with Tawmmy from Quinzee