Peter King Translates Basic English Phrases Into Even More Basic English Phrases

12.03.12 5 years ago 60 Comments

When last we left diviner of the divine, Peter King, he was implying that it is God’s will that Peyton Manning and Andrew Luck encounter each other in the NFL playoffs. What other things does God have planned? Peter will have to get back to you on those. Because apparently getting Allagash into Manhattan isn’t one of them and Peter is hard at work making that happen himself.

But what about this week? With the events of Saturday, you imagine that Peter King is going through something emotional. But that doesn’t mean he can’t keep it together to knock out his regular column. He should lecture Army Rangers on focus. READ ON.

On Sunday morning, I was talking to Joe Linta, the agent for the late Jovan Belcher, about the state of mind that might have made the Chiefs linebacker shoot his live-in girlfriend nine times with his own mother in the house and then, less than an hour later at the Chiefs’ training facility, put the same gun to his head and pull the trigger.

I imagine it’s something similar to what I go through reading MMQB each week.

/gets put on FBI watch list

“In this crazy state of mind he must have been in,” Linta said, “I truly believe he didn’t go to the facility to make a spectacle of himself, or to do anything like Columbine. If you knew the kid, you knew how grateful he was for what he’d been given, with the chance to play in the NFL. I believe he went there for one reason — to thank them. To thank Scott Pioli and Romeo Crennel for helping make his dream of being an NFL player come true.”

It’s nice of his agent to stick up for him even after his death, but he has no way of actually knowing if that’s true.

In the fall of 2008, Joe Linta, who fancied himself a scout as much as an agent, watched some tape of an all-conference defensive end from Maine who’d come highly recommended by the coaching staff. Linta has some big clients — Joe Flacco for one

but he reps the lesser guys, low-round picks and college free agents.

The tryout guys! He takes 20 percent commission on practice squad pay.

I have only one recollection of Belcher before Saturday. On a visit to Chiefs camp in 2010, I was going over the roster with Pioli, and he mentioned how Belcher was exactly the kind of player he wanted to build his team around — a person of character who played hard and who could be trusted off the field. That’s the only image I have of Belcher. On Sunday, Crennel told me: “I loved having him around because he sat in the first row in meetings and always paid attention. He was first in line in the drills, a very strong-willed individual. Football was very important to him. He was driven to succeed.”

Ooh noes, not one of the precocious people! If one of them is capable of this, are none of us safe?

A hard-trying everyman. Every roster has 20 of them: low-round picks or free agents, fighting to stay in the league, fighting for the big contract, hoping to make enough money to do what Belcher did — buy a Bentley, lease a home in a prosperous neighborhood, invite his girlfriend to live with him, and welcome their child into the world, which Belcher, 25, and Kasandra Perkins, 22, did this year.

And that, until Saturday morning, is all we knew of Jovan Belcher.

Well, he had been a starter in the league for three years. But, yeah, if you wanted a nondescript starting NFL linebacker, Jovan Belcher was about as close as you were going to get.

But as I reported on NBC Sunday night, a source close to law enforcement on the scene Saturday told me the story had some differences from the one widely reported over the weekend. When Pioli arrived at the Chiefs’ complex around 8 a.m., Belcher had just arrived and was out of his car. Pioli got out of his car and noticed that Belcher was in an agitated state, according to my source. As they spoke, Pioli saw Belcher had a gun. Though Belcher was clearly unstable, the source said Pioli didn’t feel threatened because Belcher never pointed the gun at him. Belcher and Pioli were alone in the parking lot, a few yards apart, for several minutes.

(The source did not tell me if Pioli knew exactly what Belcher had done before he arrived, but he said clearly Belcher had shot someone and spoke of the police coming for him soon.)

At one point while the two men were alone in the parking lot, the source said, Belcher said to Pioli: “I came here to tell you thank you. Thank you for my chance. I love you, bro.”

Jovan Belcher’s last word was “bro”? Ryan Lochte is so mad someone stole his eventual murder-suicide closer.

/too soon
//going to deeper ring of hell

Pioli took out his cell phone and called Crennel, asking him to get Gibbs and come outside. (Imagine what Pioli had to be thinking here: I’m calling two of my closest coaching friends to come out into an open parking lot with an unstable man with a gun, who apparently has shot someone, and is impervious to any attempt to calm him down. How dangerous is that?)

Another reason you probably shouldn’t be friends with Scott Pioli.

Then Sunday some things started happening that hadn’t happened to the Chiefs in this miserable, fire-everyone year. The Chiefs had turned it over a league-high 32 times in their 1-10 start, and here they were, efficient. Touchdown, field goal, touchdown by halftime, and they led the Panthers 17-14 at the break. At one point, Quinn, a career 53 percent passer, completed 14 passes in a row — the longest consecutive-completion streak of his NFL career. “I don’t know what happened,” said Quinn, a very religious man. “I’d like to think maybe I had some help, somewhere, from No. 59 [Belcher]. But no, I can’t explain it.”

So it looks like it was also God’s will that Jovan Belcher murdered his girlfriend and then killed himself in front of his head coach and general manager so as to inspire his bad football team to a victory over another bad football team. That’s pretty fucked up, God.

With five minutes left in the game, the butterfingered, careless Chiefs had zero turnovers and zero penalties. This is the 50th season of the franchise. The Chiefs had never played a game without a turnover and without a penalty. Everything can’t be a movie.


With 3:36 left, Quinn was called for delay of game. That was it … 56 minutes without a penalty, and a grand total of one on the day, for five yards.

Damn, I was looking forward to the actor who plays Walter Jr. in “Breaking Bad” as Brady Quinn in the future movie about the Kansas City Chiefs season.

Fine Fifteen

1. New England (9-3). What a schedule over the next two months, of games scheduled and not (yet) scheduled. Tick … tick … tick.

I have no idea what Peter is trying to say here, unless that’s supposed to represent the ticking time bomb of rage that PK hopes to set off in my mind.

2. Houston (11-1). Just seven days until Texans-Pats, Monday-nighter, Foxboro.

3. San Francisco (8-3-1). Just 13 days until Niners-Pats, Sunday-nighter, Foxboro.

4. Denver (9-3). Just 48 days until Broncos-Pats, AFC Championship Game, Foxboro.

Just 22 more shopping days until Fuck You And Your Peyton And Brady Humping.

/gonna be so pissed at Houston if/when they fuck this up

5. Atlanta (11-1). Just 62 days until Falcons-Pats, Super Bowl XLVII, New Orleans.

(OK! I hear you! Time to stop the stupid Patriots schtick!)

Before the season, PK picked the Broncos over the Packers in the Super Bowl. That’s not actually a terrible pick right now. So of course he’s gonna abandon it for one team that tricked people with a couple blowout wins into thinking the defense is suddenly good and another with zero postseason success over the past few years.

6. New York Giants (7-4). If you’re a Giants’ fan, and you see “Jason Pierre-Paul, DNP (back),” meaning Pierre-Paul didn’t practice Saturday because his back flared up prior to a game against Robert Griffin III, all of a sudden you take back the house money you wagered on your G-Men and you think: Maybe I should watch the game tonight for entertainment reasons only.

But it gets boring because there’s no money on the line and you have a gambling addiction to feed so it’s three hours on online poker for you, imaginary MMQB reader.

9. Baltimore (9-3). Offensive coordinator Cam Cameron wouldn’t like to meet the Twitter followers of mine who are Ravens fans. Let’s just say they were a tad upset that Cameron called 37 pass plays and 12 Ray Rice rushes in Sunday’s loss to the Steelers.

I’d like to meet people stupid enough to expect anything other than completely fuckwitted playcalling from Cam Cameron. I bet they all still have AOL accounts, just like PK.

13. Tampa Bay (6-6). Bucs will need a lot of help to make the playoffs because of Seattle’s win at Soldier Field Sunday.

So forlorn. Hang in there, PK. You’ll get another chance to fluff Schiano before the season is over.

14. Indianapolis (8-4). Andrew Luck threw a 42-yard touchdown strike while being tackled from behind in Detroit — 42 yards from where he threw the ball to where LaVon Brazil caught it in the end zone. Luck makes some bad throws sometimes, but he’s resilient and cold-blooded.


The Award Section

Offensive Players of the Week

Charlie Batch, QB, Pittsburgh. Batch, who turns 38 Wednesday, got the biggest win of his NFL career in perhaps the last start of his NFL career, beating the Ravens in Baltimore behind a patchwork offensive line and breaking the Ravens’ 15-game home winning streak. “Nobody outside our locker room thought we had a prayer of doing this,” Batch told me from Baltimore afterward. No kidding. You lost to Cleveland last week. This week, Batch was a cool 25 of 36 for 276 chain-moving yards and led the Steelers to 10 points in the last nine minutes to win.

I still can’t believe this happened. And I can’t stop laughing.

Russell Wilson, QB, Seattle. Drove his team 94 yards in nine plays for a second-quarter touchdown. Drove his team 97 yards in 12 plays for the go-ahead touchdown near the end of regulation. Drove his team 80 yards in 12 plays for the winning touchdown in overtime. On the road, at Soldier Field, against the Bears. When’s the last time an Urlacher team allowed drives as long as 94, 97 and 80 yards for touchdowns in a game? To a rookie quarterback?

Good thing you qualified that with a rookie quarterback lest you be reminded that “an Urlacher team” has done that before.

Andrew Luck, QB, Indianapolis. I watched a lot of Indy 35, Detroit 33, and I feel like Jack Buck on Kirk Gibson’s hamstrung World Series home run.

Coaches of the Week

Romeo Crennel, head coach, Kansas City. Anyone who can witness one of his favorite players shooting himself in the head from a few yards away, then prepare his team to play a football game, and then coach that game 28 hours after the suicide — he doesn’t deserve Coach of the Week, he deserves to go give advice to Army Rangers about the focus it takes to excel.

Romeo definitely deserves respect. That said, just because he saw a guy die doesn’t mean he has any insight into what a war zone is like.

Prognosticator of the Week

Michael David Smith, managing editor, Pro Football Talk. In Week 11, Smith, who picks games for PFT each week, predicted the Raiders to lose to New Orleans 38-17. The Raiders lost to New Orleans 38-17.

In Week 12, Smith picked the Raiders to lose to Cincinnati 34-10. The Raiders lost to Cincinnati 34-10.

In Week 13, Smith picked the Raiders to lose to Cleveland 21-17. The Raiders lost to Cleveland 20-17.

I have just hired Smith to pick my California Lottery numbers this week, but under one condition: We have to buy them in Oakland.

Peter King would travel all the way to Oakland just to buy lottery tickets on a whim, then still bitch about eight different things about his pointless trip, not excluding that he didn’t win, so shame on you, MDS.

Just kidding. There are black people in Oakland. PK wouldn’t go there.

Quote of the Week I

— Baltimore coach John Harbaugh, reaching to shake hands with Pittsburgh coach Mike Tomlin after the Steelers’ upset of the Ravens Sunday, and trying to get Tomlin’s attention as he quickly moved away. Tomlin, as you can see in the video above, looked like he wanted to be anywhere but shaking Harbaugh’s hand. We’ll find out why the Steelers coach was so put off by Harbaugh and/or the Ravens in the next day or two.

Who the fuck cares? It’s not like we don’t know that these two teams dislike each other, even if the handshake actually was strained and not just some awkward shit that the media has run with.

Quote of the Week II

” ‘The fog of war’ is a kind term for what he’s seeing right now.”

— FOX analyst Brian Billick, on the incomprehensibly bad performance of Arizona quarterback Ryan Lindley midway through the third quarter (6 of 22, 48 yards, no touchdowns, one interception) in the Jets-Cards game.

Brian Billick would make a really good Robert McNamara. Very similar smugness.

Quote of the Week IV

“The person yelling at you probably was picked last in dodgeball all through high school. So do you care about the opinion of them? No.”

— Jets linebacker Bart Scott, to Gary Myers of the New York Daily News, commenting on the fans who vociferously booed the Jets in the Thanksgiving night debacle of a loss to New England.

So true. I base all my respect for people on where I think they would have been picked in a game of dodgeball in high school. For example: Stephen Hawking. Fuckin’ terrible dodgeball player. Who needs ’em?

Stat of the Week

In the wake of the Cardinals’ eighth straight loss, 7-6 to the Jets in New Jersey on Sunday, the professional frustration of Larry Fitzgerald has to be growing. And Ken Whisenhunt had to wonder on the flight home last night: “Do we have a quarterback on our roster who can complete a pass?”

Would we agree that Fitzgerald, outside, and Wes Welker, inside, are two of the best handful of receivers at their positions in the league? I think so. Let’s examine how Fitzgerald has performed in the last three weeks, which have mostly featured struggling rookie Ryan Lindley at quarterback, versus Welker, with a slightly better quarterback, Tom Brady.

Welker caught 66.7 percent of the balls thrown his way in the last three weeks. Fitzgerald caught 19.2 percent of the balls thrown in his area code in the last three weeks.

I’m floored that Peter King would cite a statistical comparison that reflects favorably on Wes Welker. While also neglecting to mention that Welker had an inexcusable drop on a pass that hit him in the hands in the endzone yesterday.

Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me

Our new college football maven at I, Pete Thamel, told me a great little fact I didn’t know for the “Sports Illustrated NFL Podcast with Peter King” this week that I wanted to pass along.

OOOOOOHHHHH, so you’re the Peter King of the “Sports Illustrated NFL Podcast with Peter King”? Always so hard to connect a name to a many chinned face.

Russell Wilson transferred from North Carolina State to Wisconsin to play his last season in 2011 because he had a baseball career option and wouldn’t commit to playing spring football for the Wolfpack. And coach Tom O’Brien wanted his quarterback to play spring football, which backup Mike Glennon would do. Add to that the fact that Glennon might have transferred with two seasons of eligibility left if Wilson had been the starting quarterback for his final year in 2011.

There was a method to O’Brien’s madness: Wilson, as good as he’d been, had a year left to play. Glennon had two. O’Brien, without a top quarterback behind Glennon, knew he’d be in good shape at the position for two years if Glennon stayed.

When Wilson transferred, he didn’t have to sit out a year because he’d already completed his undergrad degree work. So he had the great year at Wisconsin and got drafted 75th overall by the Seahawks. He’s started all 12 Seattle games this season, and was the league’s highest-rated quarterback in November.

Glennon, a 6-foot-6 prospect who should be picked in the top 50 of next April’s draft, threw for 6,702 yards in two years, with 61 touchdowns and 26 interceptions.

Everything worked out great for all involved. Except, I guess, for O’Brien, who was fired last week. The 15-10 record in Glennon’s two seasons wasn’t good enough.


/starting to seriously dislike Russell Wilson

Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me II

One of the best young wide receivers in football, Cecil Shorts III of the Jaguars, has to be the only starting player in football who has more than $50,000 in student loans to pay off.

Aw c’mon, you know stories about debt just make me miss Mark Brunell.

“When I tell guys about my student loans,” Shorts said Friday, “they go, ‘Dang! You didn’t get a full ride?’ They’re shocked.”

Football players! They’re just like us!

Mr. Starwood Preferred Member Travel Note of the Week

This is a San Antonio Spurs travel note, and a rebuke of the ridiculous $250,000 fine NBA commissioner David Stern gave. Before I get to that, notable $250,000 fines and above in the NFL this century:

• To Ray Lewis in 2001, for his obstruction-of-justice conviction in connection with a double-homicide in Atlanta.

• To the New England Patriots in 2007, for Spygate. (The team was docked a first-round pick, and Bill Belichick $500,000 for the scheme as well.)

• To Tennessee owner Bud Adams in 2009, for flipping both middle fingers at some taunting fans during a Titans game.

No doubt THE DUNGE thinks Adams got off easy. We he the commissioner, there would be automatic lifetime bans for any four-letter words or questionable gestures, up to and including buttfumbles.

The Spurs and coach Gregg Popovich got a $250,000 fine for resting four stalwart players on the fourth road game in five nights. I believe David Stern has a trophy waiting on his desk this morning, with the inscription: “Overreaction of the Year Award.”

Says the guy who said Colts fans should want Peyton Manning back because Andrew Luck had a bad game in Week 1.

To give you some idea of the schedule of an NBA team and why Popovich would do this, look at their schedule in the last week:

Sunday: Day game at Toronto. Fly to Washington after the game. Arrive at hotel Sunday night.

Monday: Night game at Washington. Fly to Orlando after the game. Arrive at hotel after midnight.

Tuesday: Practice in Orlando.

Wednesday: Night game at Orlando. Travel to Miami after the game. Arrive at the hotel after midnight.

Thursday: Night game in Miami. Fly to San Antonio after the game. Arrive home after midnight.

Then, Saturday, the Spurs had to play the team with the best record in the league entering December, Memphis, at home.

There are few things Petey love more than travel itineraries. If there’s a fetish for them, PK definitely has it. I think his dream would be Brett Favre explaining the details of his five-night stay among various spots in Peter’s rectum.

Five games in five cities in seven days. Taking it back further, seven games in seven cities in 11 days. Popovich has a veteran team. Translation: old.


I understand Stern trying to protect the best interests of the NBA. But in baseball, older star players get days off often, at least a couple a month. In football, many teams with nothing to play for in Week 16 or 17 (or both) take the week off.

And the media butchers those teams endlessly for it, while calling for Goodell to do something to crack down on the practice.

Tweet of the Week II

“After McElroy touchdown pass, Sanchez jots onto clipboard: ‘Throw … ball … to … players … in … green … jerseys.’ ”

— @ProFootballTalk, PFT czar Mike Florio, after CBS cameras caught Mark Sanchez writing on a clipboard after Greg McElroy’s touchdown pass on his first series as an NFL quarterback.

Translation: [fart noise]

Ten Things I Think I Think

1. I think this is what I liked about Week 13:

b. John Abraham, the Atlanta defensive end, perennially underappreciated.

For it’s only when you make your fifth Pro Bowl that any player feels truly acknowledged.

g. Amazing, isn’t it, how quickly Randall Cobb has become the go-to guy for Aaron Rodgers?

Can’t believe this really good receiver stepped up when other guys were injured. WEIRD!

h. Catch of the Day, and this was an easy choice: The one-handed, reaching-behind-his-back job by Vikings tight end Kyle Rudolph. Only one word for that one: Wow.

Two words: UBER WOWS

j. I didn’t like the story, but it’s a heck of a story, Jay Glazer’s report that a Browns groundskeeper hanged himself at the Browns’ practice facility Saturday.

EXCELLENT SUICIDE NUGGET, the most self-hating of nuggets.

2. I think this is what I didn’t like about Week 13:

a. David Whitley of AOL FanHouse, for writing this about Colin Kaepernick and his tattooed arms: “NFL quarterback is the ultimate position of influence and responsibility. He is the CEO of a high-profile organization, and you don’t want your CEO to look like he just got paroled.” Does that news organization have editors who care about their writers writing something really dumb?

Because criticizing players for having tattoos is something that might have been written in 1978, not today. And even then it wouldn’t have been right.

You know you really done goofed as a writer when Peter King is on the right side of the argument against you.

c. Don’t like Oakland owner Mark Davis wanting to see more passion out of coach Dennis Allen. You can’t force a coach to be someone he isn’t, and it’s a mistake trying to do so. Think the Steelers wanted Chuck Noll to be more passionate in his 1-13 rookie year, 1969? Or Eddie DeBartolo, when Bill Walsh was in the middle of his 2-14 first season, did the fiery owner want Walsh to be similarly raging? A coach has to be who he is. It doesn’t work if he fakes it.

For real, could you imagine Bill Belichick pretending to not be misanthropic? The strain would be painful to watch.

d. I wanted to watch the Hoge-Suh interview, ESPN, because I heard how good it was. But I have a personal rule: After the 64th tease, I turn off the TV. The end of the planet isn’t worth as many teases as you gave Hoge-Suh, ESPN.

/watches NBC tease interview with Peyton Manning a hundred times during Football Night in America

g. Didn’t see enough evidence to overturn that Braylon Edwards touchdown catch from Russell Wilson in Chicago. But it was overturned by Mike Carey.


k. Questionable clock management and playcalling by Jim Harbaugh late. That’s being nice.

No it is. “Jim Harbaugh wore a nice shirt while displaying shitty clock management and playcalling.” That’s nice. You were just being critical.

l. There were quite a few bad throws by quarterbacks Sunday, about half by Ryan Lindley. But I’ll put the wafting, foolish duck of an interception thrown by Joe Flacco into the hands of a lucky Ryan Clark very high on the list. It’s almost like Flacco had a hot potato and said to Clark, “Here! You take it!”

Which threw off the Baltimore offense as that’s what he usually says before dumping it to Ray Rice.

m. Philip Rivers with another red zone interception at a crucial moment of the game. It’s becoming a fatal flaw.

That’s why he and Andy Reid are perfect for each other. The derps will be stupendous.

9. I think I strongly, strongly recommend the Earl Campbell documentary (Still Standing: The Earl Campbell Story’), produced by Ross Greenburg Productions and NFL Films, airing Tuesday night on the NBC Sports Network at 11 Eastern Time. (Truth in advocacy: NBC employs me, and I used to work for HBO Sports.)

Holy shit, you work for NBC, when were you gonna tell us? Enough sarcasm, it’s rare that PK discloses his conflicts of interest, so we should be more encouraging.

b. Regarding the Old Navy ad with Chevy Chase reprising National Lampoon Christmas Vacation: Chevy Chase has had an inglorious last 15 years.

If only he could age with grace, like Tiki Barber!

c. Rewatched The Descendants the other night. Just as good the second time around. The two girls in that movie have stunningly good dialogue, so real in kid rebellion.

Those daughters smart off just like my own! Kid these days, just can’t through to them with their cell phone addictions and South Park and Dog With a Blog and such.

d. “DEREK EATER,” screamed the back page of the New York Post the other day, showing the Yankee shortstop with his foot in a boot and a few extra pounds around the middle.


e. Be Glad You Don’t Drive And Live in New York Dept.: Live in Jersey and go into the city through the Lincoln or Holland Tunnel, and your toll rose from $8 to $12 in September 2011. This weekend it went up to $13. Just another reason for the rest of the country to shake its head at New York City.

One more dollar? RANSOM! RANSOM! Because nowhere else in the country has tolls or cost of living increases. Also, you fucking chose to move to New York from Boston. You did it of your own accord because you have a job that can easily pay for the expense of those tolls, which I’m NBC comps in more than a few cases.

g. Jon Heyman says the Red Sox might be interested in Josh Hamilton. Didn’t they just

Nope. Don’t give a shit.

h. Coffeenerdness: I have not a nerdy thing to say about coffee this morning. Other than that I need it mainlined right now, and fast, to finish this column.

Substance-abusenerdness could be a fascinating recurring feature for Peter King. “Was handed Purple Drank by JaMarcus Russell. Little too sweet and not hoppy enough for my tastes, but it really gave me the kick I needed to hold up that convenience store.”

i. Beernerdness: In Boston the other day, I realized how much I miss Harpoon, particularly the Harpoon UFO White. They’ve got to get that stuff on tap in New York.

They simply must. Otherwise, PK has to settle for literally dozens of other similar wheat beers available in Manhattan. That poor dear.

k. I don’t know how it happened. I don’t know why it happened. But the tape loop at the Starbucks near Rockefeller Center Sunday morning had the Carpenters’ “Top of the World” playing, and I couldn’t get it out my head watching football all day, or on the train to Washington in the wee hours of the morning, or polishing off the column in a D.C. hotel this morning. There are a lot of songs I wouldn’t mind being stuck in my head for a day or two, but that is not one of them.

I’m sure it helps for imagining what God is going through looking down on creation and making sure that Andrew Luck and Peyton Manning meet in the playoffs.

Washington 30, New York Giants 27: Robert Griffin III is getting the attention he richly deserves, but he’s also getting terrific help from a group of young receivers (except for Santana Moss, 33). Pierre Garcon, 26, made a ridiculous catch-and-run for a touchdown last week in Dallas, and two wideouts picked in the 2011 draft, Leonard Hankerson from Miami (23) and Aldrick Robinson from SMU (24) are emerging as long-term solutions in the Washington passing game. Josh Morgan, 27, is another puzzle piece. Washington will have holes to fill, particularly on the offensive line and defensive backfield next offseason, but it looks like Bruce Allen and Mike Shanahan have the right mix to help Griffin at receiver.

I like that the Redskins signed Josh Morgan to a pretty well publicized deal in free agency and the nicest thing Peter King can say about him is that he’s a puzzle piece. Sure, he doesn’t fit or contribute or anything. But he’s there. Being a piece.

The Adieu Haiku

Kasandra Perkins.
Romeo remembered her.
We all should. Often.

Mindless tragedy
Perfect opportunity
For Costas bullshit

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