Peter King Invents Fictional British Correspondents

11.21.11 6 years ago 67 Comments

When we last left Peter King, who is to sportswriting what John Lackey is to baseball free agency (?), he was fawning over the Niners travel schedule (travelnerdness!), choking on his Pop Tarts, defining “workhorse,” and worrying about the NHL’s habit of geographic clustering. Also, to be fair to Peter, I must point out that I went to great lengths last week to mock his gushing (gashing?) praise for Tim Tebow, which led to me blurt out:

The Jets will beat (the Broncos) by 30 this week.

Ah, yes. Funny thing: When you have two functionally useless players such as Shonn Greene and Mark Sanchez, it’s unwise to predict such things. Needless to say, I led the league in frowns that evening.

So what about this week? How can you NOT love what the Broncos are doing, unless you really hate the Broncos and their Jesus freak QB? Will Peter see something else that can only happen only in New York, like mongoloid Steelers fans singing a mongoloid Steelers fight song? And wasn’t it just a few months ago that we all fawned over Leo DiCaprio in “This Boy’s Life”? Now he’s a MOVIE STAR? Crazy. READ ON.

I love Thanksgiving. Always have. It’s the food mostly…


…and seeing family I haven’t seen in a while.


Football’s always been a part of it, but never the central part. This year might be different. This week, I’m going to politely have to say, “Uh, I need to watch 10 hours of football on Thanksgiving.” It’s not going to work, but a fellow can try. The TV’s going off at some point, and it’ll be off for a couple of hours at least, as it should be.

YOU WRITE ABOUT FOOTBALL FOR A LIVING. It’s your job to watch that shit. This is why every Peter King column is comprised of 10% football and 90% personal thank you notes to no one you fucking know.

12:30 p.m. ET: Green Bay (10-0) at Detroit (7-3)… A fourth loss puts the Lions into Falcons/Giants/Cowboys tiebreaker land.

The capitol of Tiebreakerland? You guessed it: CHAOSVILLE.

I haven’t been much into the Harbaugh Bowl thing…

Unless you count mentioning it every week for the past two months. OMG! THE NINERS HAVE TO TRAVEL EAST FOR THE HARBAUGH BOWL! And don’t you think it’s weird that there’s a Bay Area team playing on Thanksgiving and Tom Brady ISN’T involved?

Saw a snippet of the NFL Network’s feature on the Harbaugh family that will run on the network’s pregame coverage Thursday, and it’s interesting how much of their football-coaching Dad the two boys have taken with them to the NFL.

COMPELLING. Who would have guessed that fathers would have an impact on sons?

Jack Harbaugh, schooled under Bo Schembechler, used to say to the boys that the three most important things in football coaching are the team, the team and the team.

I see that Jack learned all about coaching from the Century 21 School Of Sloganeering. I should compile every vacuous coaching motto that King fawns over in this column. It would read like a phonics booklet.

-The team, the team, the team
-Do your job
-Let’s go to work
-Chop wood

The Harbaugh Bowl looked nice as a family story, but not as a football game, not with the Niners being the latter-day Niners. We saw the Lions coming. But the Pack, flawless?

We all knew the Lions would be fantastic this season, what with their incredible history of recent success. But the defending Super Bowl champions playing like a Super Bowl team? THAT’S CRAZY TALK.

Eleven stories for Week 11

1. Spotted Tom Dimitroff watching CNBC yesterday. Something tells me this fella knows his way around a salary cap.

2. This cafe I’m in has spotty WiFi!

3. Great nugget from Dickie Felchlove over at the Trenton Journal: Eli Manning ADORES tamales.

4. Went to the Rawlings Gold Glove Awards last week. That Jeff Bagwell sure has a firm handshake.

5. Is there anything more refreshing than a good Sprite after a bike ride?

6-11. (various Red Sox grievances)

1. Jay Cutler. Now this is weird. Really weird.


Cutler is the NFL’s Howard Hughes…

I know! It’s like they’re twins! In fact, in between collecting Coke bottles filled with his own diarrhea, Hughes was often noted to remark, “Like, I think my thumb is broken. WHATEVER.”

…thrilled if you know absolutely nothing about him.

Which is why Cutler dates REALITY TV STARS. Best way to keep a low profile.

2. The Bear schedule. Now this is weird. Really weird.

You said, “Now this is weird. Really weird.” twice in a row. Now this is weird. Really weird. POTENTIALLY.

Sunday’s game was the beginning of four straight against the AFC West, and five straight against western teams.


The Dolphins, left for dead at 0-7, are now way out of the Andrew Luck Derby. In fact, they’re playing like they don’t need a quarterback at all.

Yeah no, they still need a QB.

(Tyler Palko) was the Pitt quarterback who won the starting job in 2004, forcing Joe Flacco to transfer to Delaware. The rest is, sort of, history.

And that’s all she, perhaps, wrote. Call it 70% of the story.

5. Roger Goodell. I’ve got the commissioner on my podcast this week, and I’m going to take three of your questions in with me to the interview Tuesday morning.

1. Where do you keep the dead babies?

2. Why do you have such a stupid face?

3. Jerry Richardson lied about all those pushups you do, didn’t he? FATTY.

This email came to me Saturday night around 10, from a 20-year-old university student named Adam Bond, who covers the Colchester United soccer team, a team two levels below the Manchester Uniteds of the country. Bond wrote:

“Pickles to Devonshire, good Petey! Old boy, nothing excites me more than sitting down with a hot bowl of Curdled Rice and watching Ameriball on me telly! But I nearly boonswoggered in me flat when I realized that many of the players treat this game like a business! Oh, what ol’ Darvy Leiceistershire would have thought of such a thing!”

Just kidding. This is what the limey wrote:

I love my job and I love the game I wrote about. But I’ve been a massive NFL fan ever since I once stumbled upon the game flicking through TV channels in the middle of the night nearly 10 years ago. So anyway, today Colchester have a big game against MK Dons, a team quite high in the league. I’m outside the stadium talking to fans to get some quotes when from behind me I hear someone say, “I don’t care if his team is winning, he just can’t play quarterback.” This obviously takes me by surprise, and I listen in on the conversation. The other guy says, “Look, there are only so many Mannings and Bradys and Rodgers in the world, so if you can win with him then why does it matter if he can’t throw a perfect spiral every time?” The conversation goes back and forth for a while, and they discuss the cultural aura around Tim Tebow before I turn around and talk to them. Both guys are English, in their late thirties, neither have ever been to America and both discovered the game in the past few years thanks to the NFL coming to Wembley Stadium in London for a game once a year. Both read stuff online, listen to podcasts and watch the few games televised each week in the UK religiously, much like myself.

Whilst the game is growing in the UK, it’s still odd to hear a conversation about the sport, particularly at a football game. I love the fact that more and more people are discovering American football. Still, it’s astonishing that you can’t go anywhere without hearing about Tebowmania — even thousands of miles away from where the game was played.

Reader Graham had this to say about Adam’s letter:

There is no way that anyone other than Peter King wrote this. The sentence structure and grammatical errors are the exact same ones that he has made several times every single week for years. But that’s just on the surface. I do not believe that any man in his 30s would simply decide to pick up a sport because it comes to their country once a year. Listen to podcasts? Give me a break. Look, I know that everyone picks up a new hobby every once in a while, and some throw themselves into that hobby with abandon. But this dude just happens to overhear two guys talking about being the absolute picture-fucking-perfect Roger Goodell NFL Europa patsies, and he also just happens to think to himself, “You know who would love this nugget? Everyone’s favorite pumpkin spiced dumpling, PK!”

I guess what I’m saying is that Peter King made this up. I do not believe that this communique has ever occurred among any two people, and definitely not between Peter King and some dude in England. Adam Bond does not exist.


11. The Bengals are not dead.

They’re triple-alive! ONLY IN NEW YORK, KIDS.

Can Manning and Luck live happily ever after, together?


1. Green Bay (10-0).

Whoa hey, who knew THESE guys would be so good?

Biggest roadblocks to perfection: Thursday at Detroit on a short week, 11 days later at the Giants and their ability to pressure Aaron Rodgers by rushing four men … and Christmas night (RIGHT HERE ON NBC!!!)

Where I work! With Tony Dungy! And Rodney Harrison, who said last night that the Bears have a good o-line because he’s an idiot!

4. Baltimore (7-3). Interesting: Jack Harbaugh, father of Raven coach John and Niner coach Jim, said he and his wife won’t be in the stadium Thanksgiving night.

COMPELLING. But I’m not that into the Harbaugh Bowl. OR AM I? Jack Harbaugh says the key to watching any football game is the couch, the couch, the couch.

9. Detroit (7-3). Now we’ll see if Ford Field, which was the ninth, 10th, 11th and 12th man in the Oct. 10 Monday night win over the Bears, can do the same Thursday afternoon against Aaron Rodgers.

It’ll be hard, given that the Lions apparently only field eight players at a time. Maybe Peter will have time to watch in between lively conversations with Jack Bowers. After all, he is the second, third, AND fourth estate these days.

Nice job running all that no-huddle, Mike Mularkey.


Tom Coughlin seemed apoplectic a half-hour after the 17-10 loss to Philadelphia. He said the running game was pathetic, the blocking embarrassing … and I think he complained about the Meadowlands coffee while he was it.

Oh, Tom. Everyone knows it’s the DOLPHINS stadium that serves liquid buffalo feces.

(RE: Mularkey) I like a offensive coach who doesn’t love where his offense is and looks to to shake things up.

I like an offensive coach who runs a shitty offense and then tries any number of desperate tactics to get it to not suck!

For all of you (and me, too) starting to get interested in the Packer run at perfection, keep in mind that they have a game with Chicago remaining.

For all of you (and me too) wondering how Peter writes his column, keep in mind that he mainly just looks at the schedule and then tells you about the schedule.

Green Bay’s 4-2 in those six games (against Chicago), but in the immortal words of Laura King: I’m just SAYING.

Oh, those hip teens! With their KRAYZEE text speak! Gag me with a spoon! Grody!

Tweet of the Week III


— @ArianFoster, running back of the Houston Texans, asked by a Tweeter last week what he studied in college at Tennessee, because he sounded intelligent.

That’s the answer a stupid person would give.

Guess who’s got the AFC’s best road record.


It’ll surprise you.

Oakland. They’re 4-1 on the road and I know this because every highlight show pointed it out.

Oakland (4-1).


d. Buyer’s remorse. Ryan Fitzpatrick.

Be professional, better.

I think Devin Hester might be a Hall of Famer someday. If he continues on this path for seven to nine years, he deserves the strongest of consideration. But Hester’s certainly not one right now — not after 3.5 great years of returning punts and kicks.

Devin Hester has been in the league for six and a half seasons now. I THINK.

I think I wouldn’t be surprised if Bengals-Steelers beats out Lions-Saints for the Sunday night game when the flex schedule is announced for Dec. 4.

And yet, there are the Chiefs on Sunday Night’s schedule, sitting there like a Scottish toilet waiting to be opened.

In other schedule notes, how do you like the two Monday-nighters to kick off December? Dec. 5: San Diego-Jacksonville. Dec. 12: St. Louis-Seattle. Yikes.


Just read that Robert Wagner is not a suspect in the drowning death of Natalie Wood a generation ago. After the events of last week, in which the boat captain the night she died directly blames Wagner, my question is: Why on earth wouldn’t Wagner be a suspect, and if he isn’t, why is the investigation being reopened?

I don’t know! YOU’D BEST GET ON THE CASE. It’ll take a lot of Illys to solve this mystery! But I think if Peter reads enough issues of Newsweek, he’ll crack it WIDE OPEN.

Boston Globe maestro Dan Shaughnessy…

Stop. Just stop right on that phrase. Tells you everything you need to know, really. When you enter Peter King’s domain, you enter a parallel universe where Dan Shaughnessy is acknowledged as a maestro, and not as the pube-headed facecunt we all know him to be.

…correctly critiqued the feeble postseason of the Red Sox and their idiotic handling of letting the under-contract Theo Epstein walk before figuring fair compensation for a two-time World Series-winning GM in his prime…


Let’s see what the CHB dazzled Peter with:

“Let’s start our weekly update with the state of non-compensation for Theo. What a joke this has become. Theo is ensconced in his office at Wrigley Field, laughing at the dopes in Boston who let him out of his contract before insisting on payback. And now there’s nothing the Sox can do except wait for Uncle Bud to force the Cubs to send Boston some Single A outfielder who’ll be waiting tables in a year or two.”

THIS IS WORSE THAN THE LIFE OF EVERY SANDUSKY VICTIM COMBINED! And now the LEGENDARY fans of Shaughnessy Nation will be deprived of a great hot stove season, all while their beloved BASKETBRUINS are still locked out! This is the worst thing that has ever happened to any city, natural disasters included.

I’m sure this will stun and disappoint all you coffee nerds, but I’ve outgrown the egg nog latte.


-imaginary coffee groupie who exists in Peter’s brain, next to the elaborate Jeter Shrine

I must have. Had one Saturday, my first and probably only one of the season, and couldn’t finish it. Just too sweet.

Good to know. Fucking amazing story.

Beernerdness: Yes, we’ve moved from Boston.

Oh no! But did you leave Harpoon behind?

But no, we didn’t leave Harpoon behind.

PHEW! I thought it wouldn’t be pumpkiny enough for you anymore, MR. BIG SWINGING MANHATTAN DICK.

Very pleased to get reacquainted with the Harpoon Winter Warmer over the weekend. I’d forgotten how great is it. Cloves, nutmeg, cinnamon…


— it’s an experience, almost something you’d want to drink warm like hot cider.

Mmmmm, hot nutmeggy beer. For people who like beers that don’t taste like beer!

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