Peter King Is the Douche That Time Forgot. Happily.

08.08.11 6 years ago 110 Comments

When we last left Ben Dogra’s spokespuppy Peter King, he was lamenting the quality of the coffee served by Citgo at 10PM in the middle of South Carolina. WHICH IS A WORSE TRAGEDY THAN WHAT HAPPENED IN NORWAY. He also had his weekly beer with citrus in it. If anyone ever put a slice of meyer lemon in this man’s lambic, he’s ejaculate nonstop for a week. He also had trouble typing his column on the bumpy interstates of America. Stupid urban planners. Can’t you see this man is on deadline and has to type musings about coffee while riding in an impossibly luxurious big rig furnished by a charity with bad priorities? INFRASTRUCTURE, AMERICA. YOU NEED IT.

So what about this week? Is intrigue happening? What other websites does Tom Dimitroff read? Did Peter ever find a good t-shirt, which was the entire purpose of him visiting every NFL training camp? READ ON. Memo to Starbucks: Peter is coming, and he expects the joint to be free of Germans when he arrives.

You know what’s particularly fun about NFL camps this year? The new… On Sunday, it was this Bills weirdness: great pass-rush hope Shawne Merriman chasing great Wildcat hope Brad Smith in a small college town south of Rochester, N.Y.

And then when Merriman finally caught Smith, he held him down and raped him at knifepoint. WEIRD RAPENUGGET.

Last season, the Bills were not Wildcat-friendly.

I know! And that’s totally why they sucked. I remember watching them lose a million games and thinking to myself, “You know, this team has a retread coach and virtually no leadership in the front office. IF ONLY THEY RAN THE WILDCAT.”

Now they have the master — Smith, the run-pass threat who quarterbacked Missouri before going to the Jets.

I love that Peter is dazzled by the idea of a team like the Bills installing a Wildcat package. “Look out for those Bills!” said the year 2008!

Buffalo has a new toy.

If you don’t draft him by the fourth round in your fantasy draft, you’re drinking KRAYZEE JUICE!

“That guy’s going to be so much fun to have around here, because he gives us such a different dimension,” quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick said afterward.

Instead of losing to New England 41-10, we’ll probably lose 41-17!

I love training camp stories like this, where both the team and the journalist are utterly deluded by a minor signing. OOH LOOGIT! THE BILLS SIGNED BRAD SMITH! AND JAMMI GERMAN! THEY’RE VIRTUALLY THE ’99 RAMS NOW!

Weird story how he got here.

Do tell.

The Jets wanted to keep him, he told me, “but they wouldn’t do anything until the Nnamdi thing was over.”

Weird story: The Jets wanted to sign a better player, and now Brad Smith is in Buffalo! BIZARRE.

Smith loves the Jets. He wanted to wait. The Bills didn’t want to wait. They saw Smith throw a touchdown pass against them last year in one game, and run for 60 yards against them in the other.

“Look at how badly he kicked our ass while playing a novelty position! HE MUST BE A GOD.”

Question I’ve gotten from tweeters, emailers and even one general manager I respect a lot in the last few days…

What GM is asking Peter King for vital information? Fire this man.

…in the wake of Philadelphia signing so many top free agents: How is it possible the Eagles are under the salary cap?… Be curious no more. Be stunned, though.

Indeed, I will be stunned when Peter divulges how the Eagles are over $7 million under the cap, only to have Les Bowen of the Philadelphia Daily News refute his report entirely.

But yes Les, Peter does do a great job. AT EVALUATING REST STOP COFFEE AND LITTLE MORE.

(HT: Reader Sean McGarrigle)

Everyone think this is a bit harebrained, handing the starting job to a guy who’s never done it in the NFL, who surrendered three seasons of college football training to go on a Mormon mission. “I guess that’s expected,” the confident and exceedingly well-spoken John Beck said after the morning practice.

He’s so well spoken! Especially for a Mormon! Let’s ignore the fact that he’s demonstrated a glaring inability to play good football.

“I don’t take the time to think about it. I have so much respect for Steve Young [they’re both former BYU quarterbacks], and he told me, ‘Don’t try to figure out the why.’ It’s mental quicksand.

Mental quicksand! Which is like grounded up CONCRETE CYANIDE.

I also like how Beck tried to tie himself to Steve Young. “You we’re both Mormon, right? That means I’ll totally be as good. Now aren’t you supposed to get me cookies so I can barf on your shoes, Pete?”

“Nobody thinks the red-haired freckled kid who missed three years of football for a mission is going to make it. But finally I feel a system in the NFL is right for me. This offense relies on the quarterback to make quick decisions, to have accuracy, to use your legs to get outside and make plays.”

NOTE: John Beck can’t do any of the above things.

Beck turns 30 in two weeks. Mike Shanahan has implied that he’ll get the starting nod over Rex Grossman. Beck’s had some rough practices this summer. But knowing the Shanahans, they’re not going to cave if they think Beck’s good enough.

MIKE SHANAHAN: He looks shitty. But trust me, HE’S CRAZY GOOD. You just lack the vision to see it, mostly because he looks like an abortion meatloaf out on the field.

You want new? I’ll give you new.

The episode of “Curb” I watched on the DVR from three weeks ago! YOU TALK FRESH LAUGHS. MORE SUSIE YELLING PLEEZ.

Coach John Harbaugh was talking to his team after a long, hot practice this afternoon. Harbaugh’s no softy, but he was about to be seen as one. But in the distance, the ting-ting-ting of ice-cream-truck bells could be heard, and two trucks rumbled out to the practice field. This had been owner Steve Bisciotti’s idea, and now Harbaugh looked at him and yelled (good-naturedly), “You’re trying to turn me into a softy!”

Everything about that paragraph is so horribly written, I kind of admire it. I really don’t know how you put words together like that in such an incoherent fashion when all you need to do is say that the Ravens sent ice cream trucks out onto the practice field. Here, lemme try and write it worse than Peter did, just for the fun of it…

“John Harbaugh, who we underrate as a coach of a team, that team being the Ravens, is no softie but he sure looked like the softie the other day when the Mr. Softee truck came and Harbaugh was like HEY I’M NO SOFTY, WHAT’S WITH THIS SOFTEE! Also, it was hot. Ray Lewis loves eating ice cream. He also loves licking it. That’s what this was, of course. Ice cream.”

(Chad) Ocho(cinco) must have been tight. He dropped a 50-yard pass from Tom Brady when he got two long strides on a corner while running a post route. “OhhhhhhhHHHHHHH!” the crowd said. He clanged a 15-yard cross from Brady — again, right in his hands. Leigh Bodden broke up another ball that looks like it was right in his hands. Tom Brady throws him one in the end zone, the offense practicing against air in the red zone. Boink. Another drop. Awful practice for the Ocho. But I doubt there’ll be many of those.

Why do you doubt that? Seriously, WHY? Ocho is old and slow. Jesus Christ, even when teams aren’t impressive in training camp, you’re still impressed by them. “Boy, he sure looks like shit. WAIT TILL HE STOPS LOOKING LIKE SHIT!” If only John Beck were throwing him the ball!

“Bill (Belichick) runs schemes based on the players he has, not the other way around,” said Vinny Cerrato, the former Redskin personnel man who pushed Dan Snyder to sign Haynesworth.

“Whereas I just signed anyone who I saw mentioned on PFT. I call it the Dimitroff Principle.”

When (Randy) Moss signed with the Patriots, Kraft brought him into his office and told him if he played for the Patriots, he’d always be in the Patriot family. So when he opened Moss’ sympathy card (regarding the death of Myra Kraft), he knew Moss remembered the family speech. Moss signed his sympathy card: “Randy Moss Kraft.”

He did? You don’t find that a touch odd?

One other note: Kraft does not wear rings or most other jewelry…

Because Vlad Putin stole it all from him.

I loved my time at the Hall (of Fame) two years ago getting the writers’ award…

So to recap, the Pro Football Hall of Fame has given awards to Chris Berman and Peter King, but won’t induct Cris Carter. BUUUUURRRRRRNNNNNNN IT.

…and Bob McGinn heartily deserved it this time. But if Jim Nantz gets to ride in the Saturday parade, the writers’ winner should get to ride in it too, not sit in the crowd…

How DARE they make award-winning writers sit in the crowd with the common PEASANTS, who do not watch games in the production room at 30 Rock! Many of them aren’t even friends with Rodney Harrison! It’s a fucking outrage is what it is.

Fantasy Advice of the Week

Five guys I think you should really consider drafting:

1. Tim Hightower, RB, Washington, third round.

Are you fucking joking? In the third round?

I’m not saying he’ll turn into this year’s Arian Foster — he’s going to have to beat out Ryan Torain first.

You know who you should make the third most important player on your fantasy roster? A guy who doesn’t even fucking start. And I’d grab Vince Young in Round 4. You talk about smart stashin’!

4. Donald Jones, WR, Buffalo, 12th round. The Bills are going to throw it a lot.

When your biggest free agent signing is Brad Smith, you do tend to end up having to throw quite a bit. But yeah, definitely use a draft pick on the FIFTH wideout on a horrible team.

5. Jeremy Kerley, WR/KR, New York Jets, last round. At practice Wednesday, Kerley did an out-route right in front of me, caught the pass with his fingertips, diving, and got both feet inbounds, barely. What a catch.


Will he be in the regular offense enough to matter? Maybe not.

Will he actually play? MAYBE. Will he get cut a week from now? POSSIBLY. Did Goebbels make a fine Zulu Blend? MOST DEF.

I just feel something with him and Ryan.

Call it a legit 40% hunch.

Mr. Starwood Preferred Member Travel Note of the Week

Four? What the fuck? Didn’t you just go on vacation for a month?

THE LAND THAT TIME FORGOT. HAPPILY — Ever been to Pittsford, N.Y.?

No. Sounds fucking boring.

It’s a little suburb south of Rochester, and the site of St. John Fisher College, where the Bills have encamped since 1999. It’s the land the recession forgot. Nothing’s changed here. It has the preppy, Sunday morning churchgoers and Izod crowd (I didn’t really fit in) at Starbucks…


And of course, Peter is far too blue collar to fit in with the Izod crowd, what with his love of fruity beers and monthlong tours of Europe. TOTAL MISMATCH.

Oak Hill Country Club, where the U.S. Open has been held (and the 2013 PGA will be played) is here. The city has the stately giant oaks and maples providing cover for the huge homes that I can only guess are the pads for old Kodak and Bausch & Lomb execs.

Awwww, so cute. Everyone, come visit the place lots of rich assholes retired to! It has coffee! And a golf club you don’t belong to! COME FOR THE TREES AND THE TALK.

The old-time Erie Canal runs through it. “It’s a Norman Rockwell painting,” said the Bills president, Russ Brandon, who met me for coffee with Bills PR man Scott Berchtold Sunday morning.

It’s like a Derek Jeter hit, but in LAND form. Balloons! There are balloons everywhere I turn!

JUNK FOOD NOTE OF THE WEEK — We don’t always eat the best food on the road (no!) here in the USO mobile, and so that’s why I came across this little (Mc) nugget: In some markets — I saw it in Gastonia, N.C. — McDonald’s has rolled out the Rolo McFlurry.

You know Rolos. If you’re a proud American, you should. Caramel center, chocolate coating. They come six or seven to a roll. And McDonald’s crushes them and embeds them in vanilla ice cream and whirls them around in a McFlurry kind of machine, and here comes the Rolo McFlurry.

Candy? In ice cream? STUNNING.

I just like saying that — Rolo McFlurry.

You should. It’s the alias you use whenever you sign in at the Manhole.

/cheap shot

What’s next in a McFlurry? Slim Jims?

No because that would be gross. Whereas a Rolo McFlurry would be delicious. WHAT’S NEXT, PUTTING CHICKEN IN MY MCFLURRY?! I HAVE NO SENSE OF PROPER FLAVOR COMBINATIONS.

THE ONLY ONE WE’RE MISSING IS BLUE BALL — Five towns I have loved driving by/through over the past 10 days:

1. Dallas. Did you know Hitler was born there?
2. Nashville. Lots of history. Lots of slaves.
3. Montclair. Gotta have my nutmeg fix.
4. Philly. Did you know the Eagles are way under the cap? Just kidding, someone will clean up my mess later!
5. Boston. Still the best city in the world because I live there and it has a Starbucks.

3. Pleasant Unity, Pa., near Latrobe. You drive through Pleasant Unity, and you just feel like hugging John Boehner.



I feel like that sentence should be included in every MMQB, regardless of context.

Wife to me Saturday morning when I called home from Pittsburgh: “Did you hear the bad news from last night?”

“Yeah,” I said. “Red Sox had a 2-0 lead and blew it. They lost. Saw that.”

Wife: “No!! Our credit rating got downgraded. We are in so much trouble as a country.”

I know, Mrs. King! It’s a horrible situation. The poor get poorer. Meanwhile, the rich get richer, then get outfitted with deluxe USO buses, then get ferried around the nation after vacationing for a full month and get to happily ignore national credit downgrades handed out by rating agencies of dubious credibility in order to focus on FUCKING BASEBALL EVEN THOUGH THEIR JOB IS TO WRITE ABOUT FOOTBALL. So yes, we’re fucked.

Uh, yeah. The credit rating. Washington. The real world. Missed that one while watching Shannon and Sterling Sharpe hug each other onstage in Canton. You know, the important stuff.


/rides bike to Wrigley Field while shitfaced

Bizarre Twitter Factoid of the Week

“Deion Sanders thanked 109 people in his Hall of Fame speech last night.”
–@darrenrovell, the CNBC business reporter, on Sunday, obviously wanting to make Monday Morning Quarterback and knowing what a fan I would be of this factoid.

Darren Rovell and Peter King together! It’s like seeing a water truck crash into a vinegar truck.

I think, from what I’m hearing (not from the horse’s mouth, but from someone who would know), Brett Favre is being slightly tempted about playing football again.

Until Les Bowen shoots down the report. Also, FUCK YOU.

When I say slightly, I mean slightly.

Call it 40% slight. Quasi-barely.

I don’t think any team is going to come after him now, and I don’t think he’s going to pursue anything.


/wins HOF writer’s award

But I do think if a starter gets hurt or stinks, and the coach has no faith in the backup, Favre is going to get a call. Depending on the team, he might consider returning.

Will he return? I don’t know. Could he forgo the common sense to stay retired to give it one more round of media whoring? I’LL HAVE TO CHECK MY TEXTS.

I think the Hall of Fame evokes so much passion, obviously, and there’s no right and wrong with who gets in and who’s on the outside…

What? Really? That’s what you think? You’re a Hall of Fame voter and you think there’s no right and wrong about who gets elected? ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING? “Let’s not bicker and argue about who killed who…” Let me just explain something to you: When Cris Carter fails to get inducted, that’s wrong. That is incorrect. That is breathtaking fucktardery. Don’t vote for the Hall if you’re so blase about who merits induction and who doesn’t. Maybe you’d be a better Hall of Famer voter if you weren’t WATCHING THE GODDAMN RED SOX.

I think it’ll be interesting to see more of Kurt Warner this fall… He’s not always compelling, but he’ll always tell the truth.

Hey, I’d like to see more of this boring person.

I think I’ll miss Dave Solomon, the New Haven (Conn.) Register columnist who died in a one-car accident on I-91 south of Hartford Saturday evening. He was 59.

We covered the Giants together in the ’80s, Dave for the Register, me for Newsday. Dave always called it the way he saw it — sometimes stubbornly and against the grain — and he ticked off Parcells more than once with a nettlesome question.

DAVE: Coach, why didn’t you consider upgrading the wideout corps during the offseason?

PARCELLS: What are you, a fucking Jap?

His widow requested that his final column run on Sunday, hours after his death, and his trademark “I was thinking … ” column had the usual collection of interesting nuggets and opinions.

Death: The Ultimate Nugget.

Think we shouldn’t do anything about gun violence in this country?

Not after reading that bit about Pittsford, no.

We’ve got to do something to take guns out of the hands of gangs and other young criminals in this country.


Go ahead. Send me all the email you want about how stupid I am and how I know nothing about the problem and how I need to stop interfering with the Second Amendment. I welcome your feedback.

Go ahead. Smack me around. Call me Rolo McFlurry and stick the tip of your penis in my ear. I WELCOME YOUR SWEET SWEET TORTURE.

Just what we thought, those of us who care about Sox-Yanks.


Started the weekend tied. Ended the weekend with the Red Sox one game up, with two games decided by a run. Interminable games, though I saw nothing except half-an-inning Sunday night in the van on USO driver Mike’s iPhone.

“Hey Mike, you mind if I drain your battery?”

Three games left in Boston, three in New York, both teams bound for the playoffs. Nothing to see here folks. Move along.

Isn’t baseball AWESOME? Don’t you wish football were really baseball, so that we wouldn’t have to worry about the Eagles not being under the cap?

Welcome to our trip, Neil Hornsby of Ready for a few long drives through the NFC North?


Beernerdness: I am sorry to report I have not had any new or fun beers this week.

Oh, woe is you!

/kicks the wall

Coffeenerdness: I’m not here to bash Tim Horton’s coffee, though I am here to tell you I had a cup of it at Bills training camp Sunday afternoon … and it was as weak as Amtrak coffee.

I’m here here to bash Tim Horton’s coffee, except to say that it tastes like mummified vaginal oil.

I was looking forward to Finger Lakes Blend, which is served at St. John Fisher College, summer home of the Bills, because that’s the coffee served on campus — except, apparently, when the football team is here. With Finger Lakes Blend (see cute slogan, right, above the coffee station in the cafeteria) on hiatus, we got Tim Horton, and though I’ve got nothing against the Canadian coffee/donutmeister, it’s not really my cup of … uh, Columbian.

Great job, Tim Horton. You ruined the whole fucking trip. Peter was going to Buffalo specifically to drink coffee, and now that whole enterprise is scuttled. Way to go. I BET YOU SUPPORT GUN VIOLENCE.

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