Peter King Never Uses His Car… Except For Bragging Purposes

05.18.09 8 years ago 61 Comments

When we last left smugtastic manbuoy Peter King, he was busy chastising the entire British Isles for their espresso-making, declaring TJ Houshmandzadeh and Bobby Engram the same player without factoring in the fact that they aren’t, and he had finally gotten a chance to see his beloved Gran Torino WITHOUT HOLLYWOOD BLATANTLY EXTORTING HIM IN A CLEAR CASE OF RACKETEERISH EMBEZZLEMENT.

But before we get to this week’s warm pan of fresh PK brain drool, a quick email sent to us from reader A.G., who writes in…

From his 5/17 article about the TV deal: “I’m told the key player in the deal from the NFL side has been commissioner Roger Goodell”

Good thing we have Peter King to tell us one of the key players in the NFL discussions is Roger Goodell! How else would we know that the commissioner of a league was involved in the most important thing that the league does?

A fair point. I like this new PK technique of exclusively obtaining otherwise obvious information…

-“I talked to Mike Tomlin yesterday, and he confided in me that, ‘Look, we don’t win that Super Bowl if Santonio Holmes doesn’t make that catch.’”
-“I know for a fact, after texting back and forth with Brett Favre, that he will either play or not play this year. It’s 50/50, folks. Could go either way.”
-“My sources this week revealed an utterly startling piece of information… that Amanda Bowers just graduated from college! WAY TO GO, AMANDA! Your father must be proud of you. I know I would be.”

Anyway, to the column…

What you’re about to read is not the same thing you’ve read in most places…

This is true. In most places, stories about you destroying the auto-flush in an airport shitter get edited out.

Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week

Miles driven in the past seven days: six.

Peter King last week: “I refuse to brag any more (after this column) about the joys of living in a city.”

So much for willpower. HEY LOOK PETER, FREE BEAR CLAWS!

I love driving.

My manual transmission defines clutch!

Always have.

(Scottish accent) I love ye, drivin’. Alwees have. I want ta marry ye.

In fact, I plan to drive for about two weeks of my 18-camp training-camp trip this summer, as I have the last couple of years.


But one of the things about urban living that is a little more surprising than I thought is how great it is to not have to drive.

I love using these… what are these called? Feet? FEET! I talked to Bill Polian today and he told me that if you place your right foot in front of your left foot, then place your left foot in front of your right, that you will begin “walking”. Unreal!

I like the luxury of having a car, but at one point it sat, unused, for 11 days in its parking spot while we walked in Boston and took the T and grabbed the occasional cab.

No fucking way! What a streak. Cal Ripken just shit his pants. “Attention world, may I draw your gaze towards my automobile? I am such a good person that I spent 11 whole days NOT USING IT.”

You New Yorkers never told me how great it would be to be auto-less.

Peter King on 4/20…

“You people in cities have been hiding how great it is to get along without a car.”


All of this is apropos of nothing;

It sure is, Slaab 9000.

I just keep thinking how strange it is to love driving yet not miss it while living in a city.

It’s a riddle I’ve yet to solve, not unlike how Jillian’s manages to deliver to my table crisp, delicious onion rings night in and night out.

I think there is no good reason why Michael Vick, who’s scheduled to be released to a halfway house in Virginia this week, should not be reinstated to play in the NFL this fall. None.

Roger Goodell has already demanded that Vick show remorse for his actions if he wants to be reinstated. So if Goodell meets with Vick before the season, asks him if he’s remorseful, and Vick is like, “HAIL NO! A DOG AIN’T NUTHIN’ BUT A BITCH, MR. COMMISSIONER MAN!” I could see that as being a good reason to perhaps keep him away from the NFL.

I think, however, that I would do one thing as a final wrist-slap to Vick if I were Roger Goodell: I’d suspend him for the first four games of the 2009 season for lying on at least three occasions to his employer (Arthur Blank and other club executives) and Goodell about his involvement in dog-fighting.

I think there is no good reason why Michael Vick should not be reinstated to play in the NFL this fall. But I don’t think he should actually be allowed to play in the NFL this fall.

His serial lying and coverups should not be forgotten. I’d whack him four games. By the way, Tony Dungy, who visited Vick in jail in Kansas earlier this month, has an interesting take in this week’s Sports Illustrated on Vick’s release and his future. Smart stuff.

Lofty stuff.

Sorry. Again, once a week, it’s just hanging right there.

In addition, the cables that make a deal before the start of the season should also be able to show the Red Zone Channel on cable and not just on DirectTV.

Wait, WHAT? Let me read that again.

In addition, the cables that make a deal before the start of the season should also be able to show the Red Zone Channel on cable and not just on DirectTV.

Well, HOLY FUCK. I mean, HOLY LIVING FUCK. Really? That’s the greatest news ever! Good fucking Christ King, that’s the most important fact you’ve ever reported. It’s the ONLY important fact you’ve ever reported. Usually, I have to read shit like, “Donnie Banks, you sure like ketchup on your burger.” But THIS. This is really, truly, useful information. It almost makes up for all the idiocy I’ve subjected myself to by reading your incredible bullshit week in and week out.

So why the fuck isn’t this blaring in your goddamn headline? Why do I have to read about you marveling about how awesome it is to not use a car for the fucking eighth time before I get to this? GOD DAMMIT, MAN! GET YOUR PRIORITIES IN ORDER!

This is so damn typical. You bury the best thing I’ve ever read in a sea of dreck…

“Tried a ‘Squagel’ at Cosi. Not for me. If it’s not round, it’s not a bagel. Oh, and Alaska’s getting an expansion team.”

Jesus H. Christ.

Expansion of the schedule is coming, folks, much to my chagrin. It’s a freight train roaring down the tracks.

It’s concrete cyanide!

The overwhelming majority of football people want 17 games (with three preseason games) because it won’t cause massive disruption in the way they do business. Some owners — and I don’t know if it’s the majority, but I think it probably is — want 18 (with two preseason games) because they can make more money than with 17.

I shed tears for the game because of this stupid decision, whenever it happens… I think this is one last thought about a 17- or an 18-game schedule: What about the stats? Do you realize in an 18-game slate a running back would have to average 55.6 yards a game to gain 1,000 rushing yards? What a milestone! Wow! A thousand yards! In an 18-game season, a starting back should get cut for gaining ONLY 1,000 yards.

Jesus, this is legitimately compelling stuff, King. You even got a bit of snark in there! Where has this been all year, you bastard? “Stay tuned for useful NFL insight. But first… let me tell you about the time I didn’t use my boat for a month. I didn’t miss it as much as you might have guessed!”

David Ortiz had to have made a deal with the devil in 2004.

Sure did. Only viable explanation, except for flagrant steroid use.

I’ll be at Fenway on Tuesday night. Plan to give Ortiz a standing O in his first at-bat.

I’ll be at the game with Jack Bowers!

Hey NESN: I like Dave Roberts over the weekend as a sub for Jerry Remy. Amiable. Informative. Needs to sharpen his analysis a bit, but I liked listening to him.

And this is what we’ve come to. Not only does PK use his column to send personal message to random people, but also to entire entities. “Hey Frito Lay, GREAT JOB with your French Onion Sun Chips. Not too salty, with just the right crunch. And they’re multi-grain. I like that.”

Johnny Damon won’t make the Hall of Fame, but he is one heck of a baseball player.

And he’ll make an even BETTER quarterback for your New York Jets!

Can’t believe Pam’s pregnant. What a way to end The Office season.

A surprise pregnancy to end a season? On a TV show? GTFO! Oh, by the way, the Jaguars are moving to London.

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