Peter King Wants to Know More About Your Anal Traits

12.29.08 9 years ago 41 Comments

We’re going to have a shitload of fun this week wallowing in the epic schaudenfreude that was yesterday’s action. To see the Cowboys, Patriots, and Brett Favre all go down in a single day, with the Lions going 0-16… I tell you, it was a hater’s dream come true. I cried tears of hateful joy all night long. If only Dan Marino’s record had fallen too. Think of all the people Marino would have angrily pointed at and blamed.

But we start, as we always do, with erstwhile Brett Favre boytoy Peter King. That was an awfully exciting day of football yesterday, but rest assured it was far more exciting for Peter King and his elite flyer friends than it was for you!

But this was a week for the ages. And lucky me — I got to see it all in NBC’s fifth-floor viewing room at 30 Rock, with nine high-def TVs enthralling the cast of our Football Night in America show.

Oh, were you not able to watch the games it in NBC’s fifth-floor viewing room at 30 Rock, with nine high-def TVs enthralling the cast of our Football Night in America show? Then you really didn’t get to SEE it all now, did you? Poor commoner, watching games AT YOUR HOUSE, like a filthy peasant. If you can’t watch the games at 30 Rock (or at Jimmy Kimmel’s house with Jon Hamm and The Killers!), you really missed out. It is SO CHOICE. If you have the means, Peter recommends you pick up more famous friends with lots of plasma screen TVs.

I implore you to stay tuned for some Peyton Manning news you won’t find anywhere else.

ZOMG! Is he having twins?

A couple hundred miles from Atlanta, the Panthers gulp. Uh-oh. They’re losing their grip on the two-seed. Imagine going from playing one Sunday night for the top seed through the NFC playoffs, then nosediving to fifth seven days later … Jake Delhomme says, “Not on my watch.”

“What these terrorists from Atlanta don’t know is that this quarterback is a former Navy SEAL, and a master of weapons and tactics! Also, he’s a black belt in Aikido. SAYONARA, BITCHES!”

There are few things in this job I take more seriously than my National Football League MVP vote for the Associated Press.

Except for coffee. And players who hold impromptu autograph sessions, and HEY DID THAT NISSAN JUST CUT ME OFF?! IS NO ROAD IN AMERICA SAFE ANYMORE?!

I’m going with James Harrison at five, DeAngelo Williams four, Chad Pennington three, Matt Ryan two. And Peyton Manning one.

Of course you are. Now, please, TELL ME ABOUT THE TWINS! Did he have to get in vitro? Did he name them Tippicanoe and Tyler, like I imagined?

As usually happens with Manning, the conversation was going to be 10 or 20 minutes, and then one thing led to another, and by the end…

I was doused in rich, creamy Manningade.

(Manning quoted) “Let me go back to a conversation I had with Bill Parcells when we did a commercial for the Super Bowl. He advised me, ‘Don’t ever forget your legs. Legs, legs legs. Do your squats. That’s so important as you get older.'”

It’s true, Peyton. You have to learn to squat as you get older, because the grocery store often keeps the Mallomars on the bottom shelf. Assholes.

This thought occurred to me then: How in the world did Manning and the Colts keep this so under wraps?

Manning had his own anal traits, plus the never-ending Brett Favre unretirement saga, to thank for that.

I think we now know how Peyton Manning was able to keep the secret of knee injury hidden for so long: He put his knee up his ass. Asses are handy for that kind of concealment. All my darkest secrets are hidden inside my ass as well: pictures of my illegitimate child, the herpes diagnosis, EVERYTHING.

Good deal for Billick; he got $15 million over three years from Bisciotti to not coach, freeing him to work in TV and on a new book, both things he likes.

I bet he does.

10. San Diego (8-8). Amazing but true: Chargers never once led the AFC West this year — until the end of the regular season. That’s when it counts, by the way.

GTFO! I thought the standings only counted in Week 9! After that, CHAOS.

15. Houston (8-8). Andre Johnson caught 115 balls for 1,575 yards and eight touchdowns this year. I have a feeling we’re going to be talking about Johnson for a long, long time.

Again, we have the trademark “obvious prediction” from King this week. Some others:

-“You know, I think Cowboy fans are going to be pretty mad this offseason.”
-“I got a feeling about this chewing gum… Something tells me kids are gonna chew it in school!”
-“Anyone else get the sense that our economy is in trouble?”
-“I think this Peter King fellow is going to make a coffee analogy soon!”

I would bet you a triple grande hazelnut latte that Jerry Jones did NOT say to anyone on the team plane last night, “The coaching staff is in place.”

“There it is!”

“I had a blast working with these guys. It was a lot of fun.”

-Brett Favre, sounding like he’d played his last game in a storied NFL career Sunday.

Absolutely. There is no doubt this is his last game before the next one he plays. BUT LOOK HOW MUCH FUN HE HAD! HE GOT TO LIE AND BE TOTALLY INSINCERE FOR ANOTHER YEAR!

Ed Reed, FS, Baltimore. I marvel at his ball skills.

But what of his anal traits?

Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week

I can only deduce that there are too many cars in the United States after a maddening two-hour stretch Saturday afternoon on I-95 between New Haven and New York City.

You mean that stretch of road was CROWDED? I can’t believe it. Usually I-95 between New York and New Haven is fucking BARREN.

No big event. No big accident. No big anything. For 120 minutes, we’d drive 45 mph, then slow to 10, then increase to 65, then slow to a stop.

My god! This traffic. It appeared to be JAMMED! What an odd phenomenon!

I read somewhere recently that the number of cars in the United States has doubled since 1980, and driving on the East Coast for the past 23 years, I absolutely, totally buy it.

I don’t. You mean to tell me that, over the past three decades, the auto industry expanded thanks to increased competition from foreign manufacturers and an overall growth of our national GDP? BULLSHIT. Next thing you’ll say is that the Tooth Fairy is REAL!

Good Guy of the Week

Rod Marinelli, coach, Detroit.

You know what? Don’t waste my time telling me what a good guy Rod Marinelli is when he just went 0-16. Color guys do this all the time. “Oh, Rod works so hard! He’s still dedicated!” Well, that’s nice. But guess what? HE SUCKS. HE PRESIDED OVER THE SHITTIEST TEAM IN NFL HISTORY.

Coaches around the country should watch Marinelli to see how to handle adversity…

Why? In the face of adversity, Marinelli went OH AND FUCKING SIXTEEN.

As distasteful as this horrible season was, Marinelli never hid or tried to put the responsibility on someone else. Though Jim Colletto was ill-suited for the offensive coordinator’s job — Colletto didn’t like quarterback Jon Kitna, which was fine, except that the Lions had no other remotely hopeful alternative — and Joe Barry was in over his head as defensive coordinator, Marinelli didn’t criticize them internally or externally.

WHY? They were horrible at their jobs. Did they not deserve to be criticized by the coach? That’s part of management. If someone isn’t doing their job, you hold them accountable. Fuck, he should have criticized those two internally, externally, via skywriting, FUCKING EVERYWHERE.

Jeremy Shockey, who now has become the definition of brittle, missed Sunday’s season-finale for New Orleans with a new injury, an ankle sprain. If this trade with the Giants goes down as anything but a big failure for the Saints, it’ll be a surprise.

But I still think the Saints got a steal!

Ben Roethlisberger’s going to be OK, Steeler Nation. Take a breath.

I’m a doctor! Of traffic!

No, (Parcells) won’t coach again. I wouldn’t be surprised to see him go work in Detroit, though. He’s always had a thing for Detroit.

Who hasn’t? The unemployment… the racial tension… Detroit has it all! So long as they have decent squatting facilities, Bill is there!

2. I think my gut feeling is that Brett Favre will retire

To go work the land!

…though I have no inside information on it.

Then why are you telling me? Hey Poindexter, gathering inside info is YOUR GODDAMN JOB. So if you don’t have any inside info, go fucking find it.

I hear his offensive coaches all think he’s going to retire. I’m sure he’s embarrassed by the minus-eight TD-to-INT differential of the last five games. I’ve also sure his shoulder has been hurting for some time, not that it’s been a huge factor in his poor play.

But I’d like to mention it as an excuse anyways.

Buffalo. Going winless in the division, blowing a field-goal try at the end of the first half Sunday because of undisciplined pushing and shoving with the Patriots, going 2-8 down the stretch. Those things have to infuriate Ralph Wilson, who is not a patient man. I could see him keeping Dick Jauron or firing him. It’s 50-50.

Thank you for that incredible piece of outside information. Wilson could fire Jauron, or he could not. Also, ALIENS HAVE COLONIZED TASMANIA! HOLY LIVING FUCK! OR THEY HAVE NOT! IT’S 50-50! WE JUST DON’T FUCKING KNOW!

That’s it for now. Would I be shocked if Philadelphia turns over? No, but I don’t expect it.

IT’S 50-50!

“I’m taking everyone to the woodshed. Everyone,” Jerry Jones said Sunday night.

Yes, yes! Give us all a GOOD SPANKING!

Andy Reid at Brad Childress on Sunday. Teacher at pupil.

How Zen. I too like to distill playoff matchups down to trite, meaningless clichés:

ATL@ARI: Ryan at Warner. Rookie at veteran.
BAL@MIA: Flacco at Pennington. Rookie at, uh, another veteran.
IND@SD: Dungy at Turner. Winner at loser.

This exercise really made me see INSIDE the game, I tell you.

You should have had it, Chansi Stuckey.


a. For all my hopes of seeing a good movie over the Christmas weekend, the only one I saw was “Christmas Vacation.” For the 12th year in a row, I believe.

b. Randy Quaid, you never get old.

a. And here is your weekly misuse…
q. …of bullet points. Like Randy Quaid, it is something that remains timeless to Peter, like a Goya painting, or a really good “Family Guy” episode.

c. From Forrest T., of Fort Worth comes this e-mail, denoting a word I used last week: “Somnambulant … seriously. This is becoming a highlight every week reading your column. It’s like ‘Where’s Waldo’ except the real name should be ‘Peter’s Thesaurus Word of the Week.’ How about PTWOW for short. Keep it up … makes life a bit interesting in these dismal recessions days.” All right, Forrest. This week’s PTWOW, from 10b: detritus. Get going on that one.

“I done like what them there fancy word things you use, Mr. King! What’s that there fancy word you use for outhouse agin?”

d. Found another “Family Guy” fan: James Harrison of the Steelers

A needle in the haystack!

“One thing I can’t figure out though,” he said. “Who hears what Stewie says? Is it just Brian? I don’t think the mother hears him.” Now you’ve discovered the real secret to life, James Harrison.

Surely, the genius who knows the answer to that question should also be able to tell us how all those cars got on I-95!

e. Coffeenerdness: Long week. Long hours. Major Dickason’s Blend from Peet’s got me through it.

Are you surprised King needed a drink that had the word dick in it all week long? For I am not.

g. More fans should feel about their team the way Jeff Miller feels about his Giants “Superfan” blog. There’s something endearing about a blog that’s so devotional to a team.

It’s true. There are NO OTHER BLOGS LIKE THAT IN EXISTENCE. JEFF MILLER IS MY GOOD GUY OF THE WEEK BECAUSE HE LOVES HIS TEAM AND WORKS THE LAND. This blog was kept secret in Peyton Manning’s rectum the whole time! Read his blog at 30 Rock if you can! That’s where it’s best!

Around The Web