Peter King Will Audibly Laugh For You, Jon Stewart!

05.09.11 6 years ago 98 Comments

When we last left professional recombobulator Peter King, he was reprinting lengthy emails from Arnauld Chatainier (I’m told he’s the French Mikey Lupica!), musing on the death of Osama bin Laden, and promising you that he’ll let you know when it’s okay to poke your head out and worry about labor news. Trust Peter! Someone in the Pats front office told him they had something way important to tell him and that he should wait in the parking lot at the Framingham Dunkin Donuts for the next two weeks, and maybe a team rep would have something for him!

So what about this week? Did Peter finally watch the finale of “The Office,” even though it wasn’t the finale? Did AJ Smith say something quasi-AJ Smithian again? Shouldn’t we wait three years to give the Navy SEALS an A for their draft? Smarter people than I will write today about what this column means. Talk about getting goosebumps! READ ON, if you dare. (You don’t dare, do you?) You dare.

Many of you have written or tweeted to ask whether I’ll be covering more of the labor stuff in this space over the next month or so…

Fear not, Petermaniacs! Peter is on the case, unless he has to stand outside during a 42-degree windchill to get the scoop. Then it’s time to turn the duties over to Jim Trotter.

…while the NFL and its players joust verbally and make their case in a St. Louis courtroom. My answer is simple: I’m going to write about football as much as possible…

Unless there’s baseball a-goin’ on!

…as long as it is relevant…

And football is so not relevant to this football column.

…along with some labor and the other cornucopia of stuff you read here.

I’d say the column is a legit 80% cornucopia at this point. Why write so much about the Texas Rangers? Tell you in a few paragraphs, Jon.

I’ll write labor when it seems important…

I must be morally certain that it is important. Like when a pro soccer player talks to me about the negotiations. I think we can all agree that counts as a Code Red.

…and when I think you’ll care.

Is it important that you know about the negotiations? MAYBE. Is it best to leave that sort of thing to a professional, one who knows Tony Dungy and has the full power of 30 Rockefeller Center behind him? IT’S POSSIBLE. Oooh! Oooh! Jerry Richardson just told me that Roger Goodell is having trouble sleeping at night! THAT’S CARE-WORTHY!

I get the feeling it alternately angers and bores you, from the feedback you send me.

No, no. That’s just you boring and angering everyone.

That said, on Sunday, Mike Florio of reported he’s hearing “initial rumblings” that if the league loses its appeal to the Eighth Circuit Court of Appeals and is forced to open its doors for business sometime this summer, the owners may completely shut down business operations until the players cave and agree to a labor deal.

Wait, what?! How is that possible?

COURT: Get back to work.

OWNERS: Oh, well then. Guess we’ll just have to NOT DO THAT. THE BLACK KNIGHT ALWAYS TRIUMPHS!

I fucking hate the owners.

I reached out to a couple of ownership sources Sunday night; both said this was the first they’d heard of such a plan.

“What? Why, I’d never heard anything like that before, Peter. I was just here in the inner city feeding challah to starving hobos and knitting quilts for our troops overseas. I know nothing of any kind of nefarious shutdown plan! Trust me! I’m Robert Kraft!”

We’ll see if it grows legs as the month goes on.


If I were Jake Locker, I’d be ready for Accuracyball in training camp.

And the best place to learn Accuracyball? Coltland.

Two good nuggets…


…from my chat with (Rex Ryan)

1. “Peter, never try fucking on a pool chair if you weigh as much as I weigh.”
2. “Peter, taking a QB high is like wiping your ass blindfolded. You never know what you’re gonna dig up.”

I want to be sure that two front offices that rarely get much praise — Cincinnati’s and San Francisco’s — get their due in the wake of the draft.

I want to make sure that Trent Baalke and Mike Brown can call me at ANY time to leave me tasty nuggets. Everyone else says you guys suck, but not me. Remember that when I leave you six voicemails in the span of thirty minutes.



I believe we’re going to look back on this draft in five years and think one of the most compelling stories was Ryan Mallett.


Think of it.

Think of it. IMAGINE IT. Visualize with me… a world in which Ryan Mallett is mildly competent.

In a year when there’s a major premium on rookies being NFL-ready (with the lockout obviously preventing rookies from training to play right away), the most NFL-ready quarterback in the draft was picked 74th — 37 slots behind the last of six quarterbacks chosen in the first and second rounds. That isn’t to say he’s going to be a great pro. Who knows if he will be?


But the value at 74 for a player of his stature is pretty hard to ignore.

Look at the value you get for an immobile guy with Kerry Collins’ maturity problems! The chart doesn’t lie! KIND OF!

A couple of my peers had excellent observations/stories about Mallett that I wanted to point out.

Hey, let’s listen to people who know stuff!

Aaron Schatz of made this point:

“From a statistical standpoint, it’s a brilliant move and typical of the Pats to follow my numerical models, which are always accurate unless tricked by Fate. And if the Pats don’t win seven straight Super Bowls, it’s because another team got lucky and their titles should be discounted. In summation: I fucking love the Patriots, and so does math.”

Postscript to the Eagles-Patriots trade: Andy Reid and Bill Belichick had that weird trade on draft day, New England trading the 193rd overall choice to Philly for pick number 194. They did it, Reid said, to keep a long streak alive of consecutive years of trades between the two teams. Well, it’s a good story, and it seemed the two teams were always trading … but it’s not true.

Oh, you mean that streak that YOU reported in Sports Illustrated last week? That apparently you failed to fact-check? “People, I have an important scoop for you. Turns out some fat asshole is spreading a myth around that the Pats and Eagles are trading butt buddies. Well, I’m here to debunk that notion entirely. Don’t listen to that man, whoever he is. I think his name was Gilbert.”

And Mike McGuire checks in from Afghanistan, with some bin Laden meaning.

There’s no meaning like bin Laden meaning.

Quote of the Week III

“There’s two kinds of coaches’ wives: great ones and ex ones.”

Rex Ryan, to NPR’s Bill Littlefield, on his national radio program, “Only a Game,” Saturday morning.

And then you’ve got who get their feet fucked on camera! THOSE ONES ARE THE TOPS.

More Teams Should Do This Dept.:

You may know that most teams have ESPN and NFL Network on in their draft rooms during the draft, with the sound of one or the other on during the dead periods when the teams are not picking. Maybe they can find out a clue about what other teams are doing, maybe they can be entertained when they’re bored.

“God, this draft is so borin… LOOK AT KOLBER MAKING MARK INGRAM CRY! Man, I’m glad I didn’t draft that pussy!”

When the Seahawks chose Alabama tackle James Carpenter in the first round of the draft — an upset; many teams had second-round grades on him — the chatter on both channels had analysts questioning the pick. Whether the analysts turn out to be right or wrong, that’s not a popular thing to hear when you’ve just made a pick that’s been 11 months of scouting in the making.

So the Seahawks muted both channels and put on Pandora, the personalized Internet radio thing, and soon had Reggae music filling the draft room.

Indeed. More teams SHOULD tune out criticism, never question themselves, and then blithely ignore a steady feed of draft information during the draft to listen to Bob Marley and re-enact a hilarious drinking scene from the Kate Hudson film of their choice. PETE CARROLL BE JAMMIN’, MON!

If you listened very closely to “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” Wednesday (and who knew to do such a thing?)

(and who knew parentheses could be used in an even more tangential fashion? (((((((I did!))))))) You did?)

…you’d have heard me and others cackling in the studio audience at the Osama bin Laden jokes. I hadn’t been in a studio audience since seeing “Letterman” 10 or 12 years ago, and got this chance by winning a silent auction in Jersey last year.

PETER: Omigod! He’s doing that Jersey wiseguy accent again! THAT’S FO FUNNY! STOP! YOU’RE KILLING US ALL!

STEWART: Sir, we haven’t started the show yet.

PETER: Omigod! Now you’re doing the “stern taskmaster” impression! I love that one! That’s Rumsfeld, right? Why isn’t Nard Dog here tonight? HE’S ON THIS SHOW, ISN’T HE? SORT OF?

First there was a warmup comic, Paul Mecurio, who made the house roar (some of it at my expense; he’s a bit of a football fan)…


…and then Stewart came out to greet the house. Very quick, as you’d expect, and gifted at taking any line from the house and turning it his way. If you by chance DVR the show regularly, have a listen during the first two segments, which were largely about the bin Laden story. You’ll hear my laugh fairly prominently on a few of his jokes.

People, I’ll let you know when there’s important lockout news to be had. In the meantime, LISTEN TO ME LAUGH. THE SOUND OF MY LAUGHTER MAKES THE LIMBS OF AMPUTEES GROW BACK.

Tweet of the Week I

“Cam Newton will be the most scrutinized player in years. The experiment is on. If Newton is successful, the NFL will fundamentally change.”

New tweeter @CollinsworthNBC, NBC’s Cris Collinsworth, on … well, you can figure it out. Good observation.

No it isn’t! “If Cam Newton is successful, they might add a fifth down!”

I think what’s clear after Rashard Mendenhall and the bin Laden/Twitter dustup is that some things are not meant to be said in 140 characters.

I know. Like this!

I think before we consign Wade Phillips to coaching hell for even thinking of switching Mario Williams from defensive end to outside linebacker in his new Houston 3-4 defense, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt.

After all, he IS Wade Phillips. Architect of the Rob Johnson Era, which ended in the Bills winning eighteen Super Bowl titles.

Time will tell if he’s right.

Or will it?!

I think Rex Grossman will take the first snap of the 2011 season for the Redskins.

SEX CANNON: Ain’t the only thing that’s gonna be snappin’ this year, Peter. And yes, I’m talking about snappin’ pussy!

I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:

a. Willie Mays, 80. Wow. Still looking good, Willie.

THIS JUST IN: Historically Superior Athlete Ages Well!

Re the aftermath of bin Laden: Agree with Maureen Dowd, who said eloquently Sunday…

“And in then end, Osama was nothing more than another Desperate Pakistani Housewife. Have I reached my word count yet? No? Then I guess I should say that the GOP Presidential field should be renamed Dancing Without The Stars. TED TURNER FUCKS LIKE A BULLDOG.”

I agree with Rashard Mendenhall: I am not taking to the streets to celebrate anyone’s death.

Unless it’s a black ref from Djbouti!

Coffeenerdness: Down to one triple latte a day. What willpower.


Beernerdness: Gotta hand it to Fenway Park for improving the beer quality. Blue Moon on tap in the bleachers, Sam Adams summer ale and ShockTop Raspberry upstairs.


k. Will Ferrell’s great. No matter what happens on The Office, I’ll think he’s great. But he’s a bad fit on the show. His character is forced and unfunny.

l. Someone had to say it.

k. And someone had to say it.

l. In three parts.

m. To add to the drama. No Jon Stewart are you, good sir. You would NOT hear me laughing on your DVR that time.

n. Uncle Mo’s going to go down as one of the best horses that never was.

Could he have been great? POSSIBLY.

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