Peter King Wishes LSU Used Patrick Peterson In A James Starks Kind Of Way

11.28.11 6 years ago 78 Comments

Now this is weird. Really weird. When we last left the journalistic rest stop that is Peter King, he was declaring that he had outgrown the egg nog latte at Starbucks. And I’m afraid that Peter meant that literally. He is now too large to waddle into a Starbucks and ask for an egg nog latte with triple foamed yolks. A real pity. He also took time out last night to shoot down HIS OWN speculation that Brett Favre could join the Texans. Could the Texans reach out to Favre despite clearly having no interest? SORT OF.

So what about this week? What curly-headed nuggets will we get from Boston Globe maestro Dan Shaughnessy? Is Jay Cutler still the NFL’s Greta Garbo? Don’t you think Harpoon Winter Warmer would be better if it had even MORE cloves in it? Is Norv Turner the Court Jester of Tiebreakerland? READ ON. The rest, sort of, will be history.

Leinart injury takes air out of Texans’ lofty playoff hopes

That’s this week’s headline for MMQB. Lofty, handsomely.

Gary Kubiak’s voice sounded defeated, deflated on the phone from Jacksonville… Imagine you’re Kubiak.

Think it. VISUALIZE IT. You use too much hair product AND you have no concept of clock management. NOW GO!

“I feel terrible for Matt Leinart,” Kubiak said, sounding crushed…

Poor Matt. He’ll have to nurse his wounds banging co-eds and not returning calls from his baby momma. TRAGIC.

“Good things happen to good people, and good things will happen to Matt.”


The (Texans’) savior won’t be Brett Favre…


…barring a major change of heart from GM Rick Smith and Kubiak.

Surely, Peter’s feverish lobbying for Favre to join the team on NBC last night could sway them. You can bet that Mike Tannenbaum didn’t regret listening to Pete! I think.

The Texans have been the high-flying Texans in the last could (sic) of years, having to outscore teams to win.

I know that’s just a typo, but I adore Peter’s typos. They’re the most typos ever. I couple spend a could of years perusing them.

Amazing thing about Arizona rookie Patrick Peterson’s history as a return man at LSU: He didn’t have one….

Unless you count the 26 returns he had for LSU in the 2010 season, two of which went for touchdowns. All that from a simple Google search! WHAT A COUNTRY.

Maybe the LSU coaches should have listened to Peterson.

They did. He returned 26 punts.

Stop saying Denver’s fluky, because it’s a lie.

You’re right. Sure, two of their last three wins have come against losing teams with HORRENDOUS coaches, but I know TRUE FOOTBALL SORCERY when I see it. Name five things less fluky than this Denver team. You can’t. At some point, we should just sit back, relax, and admit that the Broncos are made of unicorn horns and can desalinize ocean water simply by waving their hands over it.

The recipe for the Broncos winning five of six is not Tebow, Tebow and more Tebow.

Really? Because “Tebow, Tebow and more Tebow” was Jack Harbaugh’s slogan for them.

Remember draft weekend 2000? (Of course you don’t remember something that happened 11 and a half years ago. But play along.)

Remember draft weekend 2000? (Of course not. You’re an MMQB reader, and therefore you probably don’t know ANYTHING about football because you came here for Red Sox news. Or you probably came here strictly for topline NFL information, like Patrick Peterson’s BLACKLISTING from special teams at LSU. But play along.)

That was the weekend when 31 teams kept passing on a gangly Michigan quarterback named Tom Brady. It was also the weekend Al Davis, unbeknown to any of us at the time, had the best special teams draft in NFL history.

Hoo boy. Here we go.

That day, Davis was more derided than praised for choosing a kicker in the first round — Florida State’s Sebastian Janikowski.

Players Davis could have picked instead: Tom Brady, Shaun Alexander, Chad Clifton. But yeah, I’m real glad he picked a kicker who missed ten kicks his first season.

In the fifth round, Davis chose Texas Tech punter Shane Lechler… Somewhere, Al Davis is having the last laugh about the most impactful draft anyone west of New England had in 2000.

Raiders record since drafting both men: 77-110. IMPACT: FELT.

The case against Ndamukong Suh. Sometime today, discipline czars Merton Hanks and Ray Anderson of the NFL will begin to consider the disciplinary case against Suh from the stomping incident Thursday.

Holy shit, Merton Hanks is a league exec? I FUCKING HATE MERTON HANKS.

/turns murderous shade of red whenever he sees Hanks’ chicken dance

The Lions should very quietly arrange for Suh to get anger-management counseling.

Yeah. Wouldn’t want the public to know that Suh is taking active steps to curb his behavior. Gotta keep that sort of thing on the DL.

I believe, despite Suh finally admitting he did something wrong, the league will suspend him this week.

NO WAY! I thought he’d just be given clinic hours!

My gut tells me two games.

Two games? MAYBE. One game? POSSIBLY. Five games, with a potential reed caning in between? LET’S JUST SAY I WOULDN’T BE SURPRISED.

I did my NFL podcast last week with Roger Goodell, and the most interesting thing I heard was that he’s open to pushing the trade deadline back… My biggest problem with the deadline was perfectly illustrated by what happened with Kyle Orton last week. The Broncos cut him, getting nothing in return…

I know! That’s totally unfair to the Broncos, who voluntarily refused to trade Orton to the Dolphins BEFORE the season for a nice draft choice. They should totally have a chance to make amends for their breathtaking stupidity. Stop saying Denver’s stupid, because it’s a LIE!

We’ve just passed the three-year anniversary of longtime SI pro football writer Paul Zimmerman suffering a series of three strokes… I’ve tried to stay in semi-regular touch with (him).

DR. Z: Peter, I had a stroke.

PETER: Oh no! Well, I’ll be sure to try and stay in semi-regular touch with you. I’m off to say hi to the staff at the Omni! Be sure to tuck your napkin into your shirt!

(Dr. Z and his wife) went to Gettysburg in September and got a guide to get in the car with them and drive them around all the war sites.

And did you know the Civil War was over SLAVERY? The things you learn. Driver, to the Book Depository!

Tremendous fun for three hours.

“Come visit the spot where over 46,000 Americans died in armed conflict, many of them left limbless on the battlefield, screaming out for their mothers as they bled out. TREMENDOUS FUN.”

She figures they’ll do some more history things because he loves that — and she does too. In December, I’ll gather some of his friends — Matt Millen, Dick Vermeil, and one or two others — and we’ll have lunch with Paul and Linda in New Jersey. Zim loves that. Millen’s fantastic with him, telling him stories about the old Raiders, and Zim can’t get enough of them.

MILLEN: So one day, I was at the team facility when I accidentally set fire to the receptionist and she died of third degree burns! HILARIOUS. Now, let me tell you about the time I birthed a calf.

Tom Coughlin put David Diehl back where he belongs, at left tackle, after the Thursday surgery of Will Beatty for a detached retina.

Bobby Big Wheel says: “If you can find his advanced stats from last year, Diehl was one of the worst LTs in the league in 2010.”

15. (tie) Denver (6-5). I don’t want to be a Doubter. At some point, when a team wins five out of six, and the quarterback is money in the fourth quarter every single week of that stretch…

Uh… not EVERY week.


…you’ve got to say, “Who cares how it’s happening. It’s happening.”

So true. When something like that happens, there’s no point in asking WHY or HOW, or DOING RESEARCH to figure it out. Better to just sit back and pop the communion wine.

Employee of the Week

Anthony Hardwick, Target, Omaha, Neb. James B. Stewart’s column in the Saturday New York Times on the excess of the Thanksgiving business season, and the 29-year-old Hardwick’s place in it, should be required reading.

Ah, my favorite time of week. It’s “Peter read something in the New York Times” time! Remember when he read about how scary Russia’s climate was? Frightening. Chilling. COMPELLING.

Hardwick earns about $25,000 a year as a shopping-cart attendant at Target and a printing supervisor at OfficeMax. He was told last month he’d have to report to work at Target at 11 p.m. on Thanksgiving night, and work until 4:30, with him needing to report to his OfficeMax job at 5 a.m. on Black Friday. Hardwick took to to post an online petition to see if other Americans shared his distaste for the holiday shopping season cutting into family time on Thanksgiving.


The mania of consumerism has now spread in many stores to being open on Thanksgiving, with some stores open all day. Why does Consumer America whittle away at it more every year?

What is HAPPENING to our nation?

What’s next? Black Veterans Day?

Jesus, what do you have against the Tuskegee Airmen?

I understand Black Friday and the mania of getting good deals, particularly for families who need to watch every nickel. But Black Thanksgiving? A black mark on our society.

What kind of world do we live in where people can buy things at odd hours?! In a nation where guns are LEGAL? You cannot pay Target shopping cart attendants enough. I for one am sickened by the idea of people being forced to work on a holida… YOU GUYS! THANKSGIVING FOOTBALL! BOOSH!!!

I’m hardly the arbiter of great parenthood…

“I got drunk and crashed the car, dad. I’M JUST SAYIN’.”

-Peter King’s kid

— that would obviously be Steve Martin.

Who has no children of his own but starred in a movie called “Parenthood” so THIS JOKE MAKES SENSE!

Tweet of the Week IV


— @stevepoliti, the columnist for the Newark Star Ledger, after Ndamukong Suh stomped on Packer guard Evan Dietrich-Smith Thursday.

O ho ho! Nice try, Steve. But you’re still no Serby. “If I’m Roger Goodell, I’m not lyin’ to this Lion. I’m going to Ndamu-come down hard on this dirty Detroiter!”

You saved the Jets’ season with that sideline catch on third-and-11, down three, inside of two minutes to go against the Bills, Plaxico Burress.

g. Brandon Saine, who might be this year’s James Starks for the Packers. Not Starks in a tailback kind of way, but Starks in a contributing-down-the-stretch way when the Pack needs him.

Oh, THAT kind of way! I saw that in his scouting report:


-Good lateral quickness

-Iffy hands out of the backfield

-Could be semi-James Starksish in a contributing-down-the-stretch way when your team needs him kind of way

l. Good for Mike Mayock to give Jarret Johnson props. Rex Ryan used to call him the most underrated guy on his D. He still is, for some reason.

Even when we overrate Jarret Johnson, we underappreciate him. Gee, I wonder who on the Ravens defense is sucking up all the attention?

m. Ray Lewis’ sideline quote to Terrell Suggs, captured by NFL Films: “Hunt. Hunt. Hunt. Don’t stop huntin’ ’til you got ’em on your wall!!!”


Ever hear of Kaluka Maiava?

It’s the thing to say on a bright Hawaiian Christmas day!

I like Colt McCoy…

You do? Why? Colt McCoy BLOWS.

…but he made a dumb play attempting to run for a first down in the opening quarter. Having to get to his 11-yard line, he ran out of bounds at the 10, clearly seeing that the marker was a yard ahead. Very strange.

Now this is weird. A really weird. A below average QB made a horrible play! EERIE.

I think whoever hires Tony Sparano when he gets fired after the season is going to get a heck of a football coach.

Pair him with Colt McCoy and it could EXPLODE.

If think you think I’m overdoing it about a 3-8 team, Miami. I’m not. Last six games: Miami 137, Foes 78.

ZOMG! They’re like a playoff team, except that you took a convenient sample size from what has been an otherwise horrible season!

I keep waiting for an NFL team to talk to (Mike) Leach, who is to the left of Mike Martz, about its coaching job. Is he difficult to get along with? He might be.

Could he be volatile? POSSIBLY. Should he lock Peter under the bleachers and give him nothing but cookie crumbs and Kit Kat wrappers to lick? DEFINITELY.

(Art) Modell’s hurt by his move to Baltimore and I believe in the thought that though he was important to the TV explosion it likely would have happened anyway.

And there’s your Butchered PK Sentence of the Week. I think I believe in thoughts, in a James Starks TV-explosions-happen-as-a-team-effort kind of way.

b. Take A Breath Dept.: Far be it from me to critique an obit in the great New York Times, but the Tom Wicker piece after he died Friday in Vermont could have used a few more periods. In the first seven paragraphs of the piece were 49-, 65-, 69-, 58-, 58- and 62-word sentences.

I know! Jesus, Wicker! Why can’t you use 37-word sentences like the first one up above, and incorporate random letters and department titles into your prose? YOU FUCKING HACK. And why not break up your thoughts into poorly arranged bullet points?

c. That right there is a Paul Zimmerman kind of note.

LIKE THIS ONE! Let Peter show you…

b. How it’s done: A note from the More Newspapers Should Be Doing This Department

d. Wicker was a great questioning-authority and participatory-journalism beacon for J-school students in the ’70s.

SAILOR: This ocean is so dark, captain! I can’t see land!

CAPTAIN: Don’t worry. I see the questioning-authority and participatory-journalism beacon in the distance! IT THE LOFTIEST BEACON OF ALL, IN A CONTRIBUTING-DOWN-THE-STRETCH WAY.

Spent Thanksgiving with my family in San Francisco. Fun, relaxing, at times slothful.

Good to know.

Very enjoyable, including the football-watching. What I found most interesting was the interest in the games.

“This interest is COMPELLING!”

The gathering included three men and six women. Five of the women watched the football on a scale between interested and rabid.

Who knew people with vaginas liked sports? Their feelings while watching the Niners offense ranged somewhere between indifference and total confusion!

Had a very different coffee experience in San Francisco at Philz, which has several brewed-to-order coffee shops in the Bay Area. No lattes or cappuccinos there…

Wha wha wha?!!!! Is that even REAL coffee if you can’t have an egg nog milkshake poured into it?

…only brewed coffee. You order your cup — mine was French Roast — and the gal takes a stainless-steel cup and dips it into the container of beans and gets enough for the cup, and grinds it in a regular coffee-grinder.

And the cup was washed in a dishwasher! And there are pictures on the walls and music playing through speakers! And I found a penny on the ground! I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO OMIT POINTLESS DETAILS.

Then she takes the ground coffee, puts it into an individual filter suspended over your cup, pours the hot water in the filter, stirs the brew while it drips into the cup.

Just like Hitler used to make.


Had a little cream in mine. Delicious. No bitterness. So fresh. Next time, I’ll go even darker than the French Roast.

Not the Zulu Blend! We may never be able to get you out of Flavor Country!

g. Beernerdness: Two interesting beer experiences over Thanksgiving. One of the guys brought a growler with a red ale, Ramble Tamble, of Elevation 66 Brewery in El Cerrito, Calif., for dinner.

Gotta love that growler.

Satisfyingly bitter, creamy on the head…

Like Favre!


…not overwhelming in any way, with a good bite and taste. Then Friday night, I tried a lager from Tahiti, Hinano, brewed in Papeete. Interesting and different.


NOTE: I’m doing two book tour stops this week. Wednesday I’m in Milwaukee at Boswell Book Company (7PM). Thursday I’m in Chicago at Book Cellar (7PM). Come on down and I’ll read you lofty prose and answer any question you got, with much imbibing afterwards. You’ll choke on your Pop Tarts, you’ll have so much fun.

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