Peter King Would Like A Triple Butterscotch Double Grande Lattiatto, Please

02.15.10 8 years ago 117 Comments

We make a lot of fun of Peter King around here. Good fun. Lofty fun. But this is the time of year when I sit back for a moment, realize that King now publishes his MMQB column year round now, and get on my knees and thank God for it. I mean, really. If Peter didn’t write every week, who would I make fun of? Bill Plaschke? Pfft. It’s not the same and you know it.

So let us take a moment to appreciate Peter King’s dedication, his semi-Herculeish efforts to pump out thousands of blisteringly pointless words all year round. I don’t know what I’d do without them. Probably gain 45 IQ points.

So what about this week? Will Peter choose to get motivated with Steve Forbes? Will he become part owner of the Connecticut Knights? DID BRETT FAVRE BRING HIS FART MACHINE? THAT GUY IS ONE OF THE ALL-TIME GREAT JOKESTERS! Read on. But first! A tidbit I enjoyed.

Reader Matt sent in this link to a chat with Pittsburgh reporter Ed “Bouchebag” Bouchette, who had this to say about the Word Baron:

Peter can get away with writing about lousy coffee. Peter and I once went to a Starbucks together and all I will say is he has exotic tastes in coffee. I like mine regular, fresh and with a shot of cream; they do not have to spend 10 minutes making it through a special machine.

I loved this quote. It made me think about just what the fuck Peter orders when he gets to the front of the Starbucks line.

“I’d like a triple grande hazelnut vanilliatto with juuust a sprinkle of nutmeg and double gingerbread syrup, topped with whipped Bailey’s and six canned peaches.”

I imagine Peter just gets up and lets his imagination run wild. I bet he doesn’t even order off the menu. That’s for peasants. “Frankie, how about you make me something with pumpkin in it today? I’m jonesing for pumpkin.”

Anyway, to the column…

LOS ANGELES — Yes, Los Angeles.

Holy shit, can you believe my dateline? Traffic out here is KRAYZEE!

Out here for a little R&R and hockey; I saw the Kings and the new Brodeur manhandle Colorado 3-0 Saturday night. (OK, maybe I’m jumping the gun 400 wins early for Jonathan Quick, the NHL wins leader at the Olympic break, but he is impressive.) Anyway, this morning I’ll try to be the methadone for your withdrawal from the NFL season.


Of course, Peter is less your dose of methadone this offseason than he is your quadruple shot espresso carameliatti mochaiatto with shaved white chocolate and ancho chili powder.

Much on my mind this morning

-Why aren’t there more volunteer firemen?
-Short Hills, New Jersey is GORGEOUS.
-What’s with the snow, God?
-Is it me, or have parking spots gotten too thin? I simply cannot get my door open enough at the Nutley mall.

The Saints still celebrating as they march into a headachy offseason


First, some scheduling notes: A lot of you have Tweeted or e-mailed about the MMQB offseason schedule. Well, I’ll be doing the column from various sites through late June (including South Africa at the World Cup), and resuming in late July, and then from South Africa (June 14 and 21), writing some about the other futbol.

Oh, yes. You read that right. Peter King is going to cover the World Cup. People of JoBurg, I hope you ready to have your coffee ass-raped by THE FUCKING MASTER. Is Italy the favorite to win it all? I don’t know. Are shootouts the wrong way to end a major soccer game? I’m not sure. Does a red card mean you get to use a replay challenge? MAYBE. All I know is that, if I’m the Czech Republic, I ask Tim Tebow to be on my team, then I sit back and pop the Korbel.

I believe there will be a work stoppage in 2011.


/slits cheeks

The fact is, owners want players to bear some burden for the costs of all the stadiums that have been built in recent years, and players don’t want to pay for something they’ve never paid for before. That’s the elephant in the negotiating room right now, and no one’s budging.

YOUR BOSS: Say Bob, we’re building a new factory in Dayton.

YOU: Cool!

YOUR BOSS: But I need to cut your pay by $2,000 to help build it, even though it will bring in significantly more revenue in the long run.

YOU: But I don’t see how that’s fair.


The logical question for the Saints: Is all this celebrating and spate of parades — the Saints’ Super Bowl parade was so big that it was shown live on CNN with Wolf Blitzer throwing to reporters in the middle of his “Situation Room” show — going to go on so long that they affect the Saints’ ability to repeat in 2010?

It’s been 8 days. That is not a logical question. That’s a question Mark Schlereth asks.

Until I see Payton with the lampshade on his head during a May minicamp, I say laissez les bon temps roullez. Let the good times roll.

I know French. AND I KNOW TONY DUNGY. Jeayyyyyylous?

The other question is whether they’ll allow Reggie Bush to walk in trade. No question there will be some interest out there, particularly by Seattle, with former USC coach Pete Carroll there


Relax, Ufford. This Peter King, so it’s strictly hypothetical. In fact, it’s not even legit enough to be hypothetical. It’s more underthetical at this point.

Enough is enough. If I hear one more word about how Peyton Manning ruined his “legacy” by throwing that interception in the Super Bowl, I’m going to puke.

If I hear one more word about how a marquee player justifiably hurt his reputation by making a horrible, horrible, telegraphed throw in a big game, I’LL GO MAD!

The same way it was absurd to suggest Manning would be the greatest quarterback ever if he had won this year’s Super Bowl (which would have given Manning two titles in 12 years, with none of the all-time records his), it’s just as absurd to call him some tragically flawed player because he threw a bad interception going in for the tying touchdown late in the fourth quarter.

Agreed. THE GALL! THEY’VE GOT IT GALL WRONG! It’s completely absurd to label Peyton Manning as tragically flawed after he committed a tragic flaw. WHAT ABOUT THAT LAZY TIT REGGIE WAYNE?!

Now, if you want to say you see a pattern forming — from his can’t-beat-Florida days in college, to some of the playoff losses he’s had in the pros, to the fourth-quarter pick by Tracy Porter — that’s fine.

This one just about killed me.

Now look, if you want to say there’s a pattern of Peyton Manning choking in big moments, that’s fair. BUT DON’T YOU CALL HIM A CHOKER! THAT IS ABSURD AND I WON’T STAND FOR IT.

Now listen, if you want to say there’s a pattern in Kim Jong Il’s rule of him torturing political prisoners and stifling dissent, that’s fine. BUT DON’T YOU CALL HIM A DICTATOR.

And look here, if you want to say there’s a pattern forming where gravity seems to keep everything fastened to the Earth’s surface, you be my guest. But don’t you DARE call that a Newtonian Law!

I’m annoyed enough as it is that most people who analyze football make playoff football the only thing that counts when considering the greatness of players.

I don’t think anyone considers it the ONLY measure of greatness. But it’s kind of an important component, no? I’ve noticed this pattern of great QB’s winning shitloads of titles, the way Joe Montana and Johnny Unitas did. But I dare not call it a rule.

I loved the Tweet of Aaron Schatz of Sunday: “How come no one ever mentions Jim Brown was 1-3 in the playoffs and averaged 3.7 YPC (yards per carry) when they talk about his legacy?”

You can also take that tweet as a knock on Jim Brown if you like. Go ahead. It’s okay. Remember: Jim Brown threw a woman off a balcony once. Granted, he was just testing gravity, but still.

Quarterbacks surely are the most important players on a football field. So that means they’re the most important players in postseason play. But to minimize the significance of regular-season dominance drives me nuts.

Have you ever heard Peyton Manning underpraised during a football broadcast? Ever? Aren’t analysts usually more than happy to bend over backwards to whitewash some of his flaws? Who are these straw men out there completely dismissing Peyton Manning’s body of work in the regular season? SHOW YOURSELVES, PEOPLE WHO DON’T EXIST.

Manning is 70 games over .500 in 12 seasons, which is better than Dan Marino, John Elway, Johnny Unitas, Bart Starr, Terry Bradshaw and Roger Staubach were in their careers. But Manning’s 9-9 playoff record overshadows all of that. I’m not saying the 9-9 shouldn’t be considered. I just think it shouldn’t overshadow everything.

Okay I won’t let it overshadow his regular season dominance. But the fucker does choke.

By the way, on places of players in history, I don’t want to make another list of the top quarterbacks ever … yet.

I never want to make a list of best QB’s again… for now.

I’m amazed to see how quickly the shine has worn off Joe Montana. A generation ago, Montana was Tiger Woods. Four Super Bowl wins in the ’80s, 16 playoff wins in all … the ultimate winner. And now he’s yesterday’s news. Not in my history book.

Wait, what? Who? Who is doing this? Do you know anyone out there who would make a list of the greatest QB’s of all time without Joe Montana in the Top 2 or 3? Who is forgetting about Montana? I JUST SAW HIM IN THAT SKECHERS AD.

But no, apparently we need Peter around to remind us, for only he remembers that Joe Montana was really, really fucking good. I’m also amazed to see how quickly the shine has worn off of Abraham Lincoln. Won the Civil War. Freed the slaves. Made lots of speeches. And now he’s yesterday’s news. WELL, NOT IN PETER KING’S PEOPLE’S HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES.

Want to know the fate of Favre?


Wait a while.

All annoying things to those who wait!

A year ago, Brett Favre retired from the New York Jets. The night he retired, I spoke with him, and he said…

…that he adored The Smiths! Just like I do! I saved the voicemail! God, it’s like we were destined to be one.

I asked Favre what he planned to do.


There’s little use in asking Favre how he feels about playing right now. He told Ed Werder the night of the playoff loss to the Saints he almost certainly wouldn’t play, and now I’m hearing it’s highly likely he will.

There’s little use in figuring out what Favre will do, but here’s a bunch of useless conjecture! Barista, I’ll have a peanut brittle cideriattola, please.

Quote of the Week II

“There is no hangover, there is no carryover, it’s a brand new season. We are well on our way to dealing with 2010.”

-Indianapolis president Bill Polian on Friday, five days after the nightmare Super Bowl loss that he refused to discuss with local reporters.

Jesus, Bill Polian is a dipshit. What? A crushing loss still on our minds? Please. We’ve completely moved on. Only asshole reporters like YOU are still whining about it! Now, let me go to competition committee and have them outlaw interceptions.

Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week

Sometimes you see a scene that is so car-wreckish you wish you could intercede, but you don’t because it’s none of your business.


Hertz car rental counter, 12:15 a.m. Saturday, Los Angeles International Airport.

Yes, Los Angeles!

There must be 75 people here, in line, waiting for cars both at the Gold counter and the regular counter, and in a situation like this, as tired as you are, there’s nothing you can do. Get in line, hold it together, hope it’s not an hour before you get your car, like it appears it will be, and just deal.

Except one woman just couldn’t. Her husband was near the front of the line, and obviously he’d been in line for a while, and the wife waited outside with two young children. About every five minutes, she’d come in, glare at her husband and say something like:

“No car yet? What is taking you so long!”

“I knew we should have taken a cab! Why didn’t we take a cab!”

And my personal favorite, with the two kids in tow: “I am soooooo tired! Can’t you see how tired I am? Do something! Say something to them!”

I caught the eye of a guy behind me in line, and our looks said: “Thank God we won’t be in that rental car tonight.”

Dude, it was midnight and the bitch had two rugrats pulling on her pant legs. Do you know what that does to an adult? You’ll suck a dick to get a rental car at that point. Can you believe a woman who has two kids driving her insane would be impatient in waiting for a rental car? WHAT A COUNTRY.

I think I saw the attendance at the NBA All-Star Game last night — Mark Cuban announced it as 108,713 — and couldn’t believe what I heard. I’ve got to think Jerry Jones, standing near Cuban as he made the announcement, had to be thinking: We’ll get 125,000, somehow, for that Super Bowl next year. It’s not only that Jones actually has smaller seats he can slide into the rows of the stadium…

He does? Holy shit. But where will Kevin Smith sit?

I forgot to mention I rented a Prius out here over the weekend.

Thank God you did.

What a nice car.

Unless you like functional brakes.

Exceedingly quiet…

It’s like an Atlanta Falcon!

and I don’t notice the slow acceleration. Neat dashboard too.

It told me my MPG! Look at all the gas I saved by driving it! I only used it because I couldn’t walk!

Had a Remdawg at Jerry Remy’s Sports Grill at Logan Airport the other night

Remdawg? I want to punch that hot dog in the fucking face.

And Jerry, one piece of advice: I’m a big man, as you may know, and I would have had to be three of me to finish that monster dog.

It was bigger than Matt Schaub’s dong! Schaub leads the league in girth!

But thanks for all the beer choices. Excellent tap diversity, from Green Monstah Ale to Sam Adams Noble Pils.

Fuck. Off. A bar in Boston had Sam Adams? That is diversity, New England style!

/hates Sam Adams

/would push Jim Koch in front of a speeding bus if I saw him in public

On the other coast, we had a great meal at Corkbar downtown. A winebar with all California wines and California microbrews.


It helps that the chef, Albert, read my book.

Oh, did he not read yours? Then your table will be next to the water station.

And I’ll return the props: The man makes one great burger.

Until playoff time, when he burns the shit out of them. BUT THAT SHOULDN’T COUNT!

And one other L.A. food note: I’ve been introduced to Body Factory smoothies, and I’ll be back. Often.

The smoothies are made from REAL bodies!

If you’re asked if you want cream for coffee, shouldn’t it be at least half-and-half? Too many places say, “Cream for your coffee?” and then hand you a little thing with skim milk or 2-percent milk in it.

“Excuse me, ma’am? I specifically asked for more milk fat.”

Where would “The Office” be without the Nard Dog? What an acquisition.

He’s no Brian the Dog, but he’ll do!

Seriously, Ed Helms has been on The Office for years now. I don’t even know what to do with that bullet. Someone order me a Marshmallowfluffatte.

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