PFT Commenter Grades Your Pets And Biceps

10.30.13 4 years ago 26 Comments

Its a dog.

Yesterday I gave out my midseason grades to the AFC East, and some of you asked me if I could grade some other stuff too. Well funny you should ask yes I can.

I put out the call for folks to send me pictures of your a) bicep or b) pet and i would issue them letter grades like your my students and you guys responded big time. Lets get one thing out of the way first,, Im not here to make friends so if you dont like it theres the door. Also all grades fall under the category of “No Offence” so if your going to get offensed by what I have to say you can unsubscribe as fast as you please- no one will miss you. Let’s get to the grades!

First of all this is a Russel Wilson type dog- half black half white but looks small and like he enjoys herding a bunch of skillpoisition players with dreadlocks. Got a little Farve in him somewhere but I cant put my finger on it since Im not a registered vet. Laziness worries me thats not the type dog where I would put a “C” on his chest so I’ll give him a B. 

No offense but this is a average bicep. This picture says “I make enough dollars to afford a gym membership but not enough 2 buy a trashcan to put all my junk.” Also coudnt help notice youve got a WWE raw ticket there thats pretty cool to. You need more definition on inside of you’re bicep or else no chicks will want you to bang them FYI. Try using the bar w/ the curvy lines instead’ve doing pullups until the cute chick in the neon sportsbra looks at you. B

“Contest Over?” Dont like your premature taunting I’m going 2 call you “Goldsgym Tate.” Act like youve been there before its easy,, just pretend its small claims court or the domestic battery cell. All in all you have a pretty good arm. You have to imagine when Matt here saw I was having a bicep-off he probly near had a heart attack out of excitement, but takeing 6 scoops of jack3d when your on cialis tends to have that effect on folks. Your gf is pretty does she know what its like 2 be with a real man no offense. A-

SMH Jack this dog has me-first write all over it. Its on your couch like it gets to make all the rules I sure hope you put some character claws in its contract. This is the Diva Receiva type dog that gets in your face because IT WANTS THE DAMN BALL all the time. F no offence.

What do you feed your dog its own hair? Seems like a good place 2 save a few bucks but I mean come on. Respect how the dogs ears pinned back but you almost have to wonder about its accountibility for strength&nutrition. C.

Oh youve got a nother dog? Good, this next one is probably eating healthily and taking care of itself

This dog looks like its getting most its nutrition from Mike Vick smearing peanutbutter on his own frenulum no offense. But besides that it looks pretty happy. Also no offence, but these dogs look like they should be doing more eatin and Les Pantin. C.

Now THIS is a dog folks. Looks like a hardworker, the type dog whod pull its buddy of the highway instead of throwing him under the bus. Looks agile but also have to respect the intelligence. The fact its literally a Blue Collar dog tells me it nose how to get open instead’ve just relying on off-leash speed. A+

Andy Dalton Big Red cat type guy. It’s not going to wow anybody coming off the bus but it’ll produce some solid results if you get him in the right system even if its got a cheap Paul Brown type owner who wont invest in a decent camra. This cats never going 2 shit the bed but it might crap on the floor right next 2 its litter box. C+

Jeffs the olny one who sent in a pic of BOTH his bicep and his dog,, thx Jeff. Love 2 things about your arm (no homo- btw this whole thing is no homo Im calling it right now Im not Gay- never have been)

1. I like how you dont need to flex unlike Mr. gym rat way up at the top. Your acting like youve been there before and tossing your muscle to the referee (me).

2. Solid tattoos. Amost got to imagine thats a bear you shot with your old man just having some fun out there. Cool anchor to. These are probly what Vinnie Sunseris tattoos look like up close. HOWEVA (Stephen A Smith voice) Your dog isnt as cool as your arm- thats a fact hate to break it to you. OVERALL B

This is the exact look Tavon Austin got the first time he opened a NFL playbook FYI. How of you been preparing your cat for the big show? Putting extra time in the filmroom? Unlikely sense it looks like never even seen a camera. Looks like the bright light of the big stage is too big for your cat, Dr. Train even though its got kind’ve a Cortland Finnegan thing going on with its face. D-

Now this is a dog u want with you during a playof game in Lambeau. It probly loves te cold weather and’ll be there for the tough sledding in the 4th quarter. Almost a direct slap in the face to a guy like Cromartie whose more of a Idiot Rod type guy then a Iditarod type guy. A

Well “Spenser” Im split on this. On one hand you’re dog obviously puts a high prioraty on ballsecurity which I LOVE but on the other hand you cant help but feel hes going to start holding out on you once you try to put a leash on him. Cant see what type of collar youve got on him but I sure hope its a franchise tag. C+

Wow so your a chicken huh? Ill say this about that- When you bought that shirt online did you have 2 send in a picture of your pencilthin chinstrap are did they just take your word for it? F-

Hi Mike first’ve all thx for sending in a pic. You got this party started so  your definitely not shy to stick your nose in the meatgrinder. Like to see a little bit more shower discipline out of you Id be worried about you getting a MRSA but first Id like to see you cleaned up so you can get a MRS. Like to see what the tattoos are of,, probably something tribal or badass. You seem like a west coast offense type guy- you dont need a bigarm to succeed but you need to be coachable so I hope your already in the shower by the time you finish this sentence. B-

I see its doing a pretty good impression of Colin Kappernick in the filmroom so I have to take points of right from the getgo. Now you told me in a nother conversation that your dog still gets to have sex even though its nutered so I have to add points because its a great case study in how Peanut Tillman should be behaving. All in all it looks like a classic Gronk dog- Old School White Animal who looks like it has alot of fun and then passes out halfway of its bed. B+

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