Another Friday In Line At The Unemployment Office

12.27.13 4 years ago 23 Comments

SCENE: the waiting room in an unemployment office.  Seems like a normal day until a familiar face walks in.

Phil: I can’t believe I got fired because of my religious beliefs.  Welcome to Obama’s America, where the real heroes are at the unemployment office.

Justine: Tell me about it.

Phil: What are you in here for?

Justine: I got fired just for something I tweeted.

Phil: What ever happened to free speech in this country?

Justine: I know!  Anyway, welcome to the waiting room at the unemployment office.  It’s pretty uneventful here.

[Door flies open]



Justine: Waiting for our unemployment checks.

Rex: Lemme tell ya, the coffee here is shit but it should do the trick.  In 30 minutes I’ll be taking a shit that looks like that alien from Alien. Man, that was a great one. I totally would’ve nailed Sigourney Weaver back in ’79.  Hell, I’d do it now, she’s still got those size 11s that drive me wild.

Phil: What are you doing here?

Rex: Who asked you, rabbi?  Ah, don’t sweat it.  Word on the street is that I’m getting canned so I wanted to check out the new digs.  I thought they might have Rich Kotite’s wallpaper.

Justine: It’s just a government office, it’s not that eventful.

Rex: So how’d you end up here, sugartits?

Justine: I tweeted an AIDS joke about black people.

Rex: Just because Cromartie doesn’t wrap it up doesn’t mean that the rest of them do, honey.  Can’t blame whoever hired you before for firing you.  Unless it was Woody Johnson because he doesn’t know his own asshole from the hole in the ground where Giants Stadium once stood.  How about you, man.  They kick you out of ZZ Top?

Phil: I was fired by A&E because I believe the Biblical truth about homosexuality.

Rex: Listen man, I’m straight as they come, I’m all keymaster and no gatekeeper.  But I’ve been on a few times with the old lady to spice things up and you meet all sorts of people on there.  If some of those guys can’t get into heaven I’d be fine chilling out with ’em in hell.

Justine: We’re in hell right now.  This unemployment office is the worst.

Rex: Listen, you two just need some motivating.  Duckfucker, just because you don’t get to be on TV doesn’t mean you can’t keep on as a white trash hero.  I’ve shot varmints in Oklahoma before and I know how fun it is.  You’re still living the dream.

Phil: Yeah.

Rex: And Justine, there ain’t a problem in the world for a cute young thing like you that peroxide in your hair and a low-cut blouse on your chest can’t solve.  You’ll bounce back because if there’s one thing middle-aged guys like it’s cute pieces of ass in the office.  Hell, you could probably get a job in Florham Park.  They let Marty Schottenheimer’s weiner kid have a job, so why not you?

Justine: You’re right.

Rex: And to the rest of you deadbeats in the unemployment office, the streets are paved with gold out there.  If you can walk and chew gum you’ll get a new job in no time.  Unless you have an English degree, you loser.  NOW LET’S GO OUT THERE, AND GET US SOME JOBS AND AFTER THAT WE’LL GET STEAKS AND BLOW JOBS.

Phil: LET’S DO IT!

Around The Web