Power Ranking of Complaints in the Fake Johnny Manziel Lawsuit

05.23.14 3 years ago 34 Comments


It’s not everyday that you wake up, pick up your phone, check the news and see the words “Don’t Want No Short Man, Eenie, Weenie Little Shrivel Short, Short Man” in a court document filed against an NFL player. Welcome to the circus of Johnny Manziel and all the sideshows that come along with being Johnny Football.

The fact the document has the wrong title for the Gillette hit “Short Dick Man” is probably the most rational part of the complaint filed in Florida court supposedly by Samantha Schacher, a regular on the Dr. Drew show. (We say “supposedly” because anyone can file these cases in any name. The whole thing reads like a Howard Stern — you vaguely remember him — phony phone call. UPDATE: Samantha Schacher has denied any involvement with the case to TMZ.) The document requests a restraining order against Manziel along with a suit seeking damages for $25 million dollars for emotional distress due to sexual harassment.

Manziel’s legal team immediately denied any wrong doing while his agent Erik Burkhardt took to Twitter defending his client calling the suit “frivolous.”

UPDATE #2: Looks like the case was filed by serial wacky lawsuit filer Jonathan Riches.

So how over-the-top wacky is the court filing? Let’s rank the insanity:

  1. “Manziel sent me a homemade video of himself at Walt Disney World on ‘It’s a Small World’ ride in the Magic Kingdom, and while the song is on, he puts the camera down unbuttons his pants, pulls his penis out and jingles his penis to the music. ESPN owns Disney and ESPN promotes Manziel, knowing he did this in ‘It’s a Small World.'”
  2. “Manziel told me if I don’t want him because his penis is small, when he gets drafted by the NFL he will get a penis enlargement and he’ll be my Long John Silvers.”
  3. “Christmas Eve 2013, Johnny Manziel sent me a [sic] Instagram post of himself naked to me Facebook with Manziel putting a hotdog [sic] bun between his penis, smiling, calling me ‘Ho, Ho, Ho’, then calling me up and told me he wanted a threesome with Dr. Drew.”
  4. “Affluence can buy you freedom.” (Editor’s note – This should be the Johnny Manziel bootleg t-shirt.)
  5. “Manziel keeps prank calling me with some 1990’s song ‘Don’t Want No Short Man, Eenie, Weenie Little Shrivel Short, Short Man’ which is disgusting.”
  6. “Johnny Manziel refers to his penis as his Vienna Sausage and told good things come in small packages.”
  7. “Defendant keeps asking me to strip for him at his boy, Lebron James’ crip [sic] in Miami.”
  8. “During last years’ Nathan Hotdog [sic] Eating Contest, Defendant Manziel sent me a naked photo of him with a ruler next to his erect penis that measured 4 1/2 inches, while holding a sign ‘You know you want me, Samantha.'”
  9. “Johnny Manziel told me he wants me to be his linda [sic] Lovelace on Deep THroat [sic].
  10. “Manziel has told me he embraces the fact he has a small penis and Manziel said to me on the phone he watched kinky fetish small penis porn on Redtube after Texas A&M football games.”
  11. “Johny [sic] Manziel said Skyes [sic] with Judereon [sic] Clowney in South Carolina, and Clowney sent Manziel a Pic [sic] of his penis which was 9 inches, and Manziel show it to me on Skype and asked me if I could handle that monster.”
  12. “Seeing Manziel with his small penis caused me psychological emotional distress.”
  13. “I had to see a Psychologist because I have nightmares of Manziel’s penis.” (Editor’s note – I swear I’ve heard this in a Howard Stern bit.)
  14. “Johnny Manziel told me Texas A&M provides him with lavish gifts circumventing NCAA rules, where he said if I would be his girlfriend he will buy me Victoria Secret Lingerie and Adam & Eve sex toys with secret money Kevin Sumlin provides him.”
  15. “Johnny Manziel also told me he does steroids and lift weights, and if another man ever talks to me, he would beat them up and get away with it because he’s famous.”
  16. “Manziel told me he wouldn’t mind showing with Jason Collins.”
  17. “I have all the photos, videos, Skypes of Manziel with his penis obsession to submit to the court as evidence.”
  18. “… he needs Sex Theorapy”
  19. “Manziel would Skype me before Texas A&M Football games in 2013, smoking marijuana in college locker rooms.”
  20. “Manziel called me up drunk on Halloween of 2013 and confessed he cheated on his College exams.” (Editor’s note – This is completely believable and it would be shocking if it wasn’t true.)

For those who want to make their own draft board of wacky, the full complaint can be read below.



Samantha Schacher v Johnny Manziel by Darren Adam Heitner


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