Putting One Over On Jess

03.25.08 10 years ago 25 Comments

Int. Jessica Simpson’s living room.

[cellphone rings]

Tony: You got Romo!

Nick: Yo, Tony, it’s Lachey!

Tony: Hey man, how’ve you been.

Nick: Same old shit. But hey, Mayer and I are in town and we had such a good time at the Cosmo awards we wanted to know if you could come out tonight?

Tony: Oh, I don’t know. Jess and I have dinner reservations, and then I’m penciled in for a solid hour of cuddle time.

Nick: Fuck that man, let’s go get some whores.

Tony: Damn, it has been awhile since I’ve had a good dirty fuck.

Nick: Jessica still thinks it’s gross?

Tony: You know it.

[unintelligible murmuring]

John: Tony, it’s Mayer.

Tony: Mayday!

John: Yeah, I have a way for you to get out of there. It worked for me once when I was supposed to go to one of Ashley’s concerts.

Tony: Oh yeah? But won’t Jess notice I’m gone.

John: Well that’s just it, you need a stand-in.

Tony: But I don’t have one.

John: Are you at Jessica’s place?

Tony: Yeah.

John: Perfect. One time I took Jessica to Six Flags and I won her a big stuffed doll. Whenever I needed to get away I’d just put it on the couch and slip away very slowly.

Tony: Where is it?

John: Check the back of the hall closet, I’ll hold on.

Tony: I don’t know, it certainly isn’t very lifelike.

John: Trust me, she’ll never even notice. She just needs something cute on her arm at all times. If anything, she’ll just think your cuddlier than usual.

Tony: OK, I’m doing it. I’ll meet you at the end of the block in five minutes… this better work.

John: Don’t worry about it.

Later that evening…

Image via WWTDD

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