As you may have noticed I haven’t been around for the past couple of days. As any good jew (for shame Mr. Leibowitz) knows, the jewish High Holidays have recently come to a close with the traditional Breaking of the Fast after the end of Yom Kippur. Obviously you’re not here to read a history lesson on the chosen people, you’re here for the funny. It’s with this expectation in mind that I offer you the following, High Holidays in the NFL…as always, KSK style.
Since I’m the only jew in these parts (seriously, I haven’t been surrounded by this many gentiles since that time I went to K Mart) I figured I’d give you a quick guide to the Holidays from the perspective of a secular (crappy) jew. You’ve got two bookends in this equation, we’ll start at the beginning.
First comes Rosh Hashanah, the jewish New Year which we celebrated last Sunday; it’s a lot like the other New Year only replace Champagne and Dick Clark with apples and honey (they symbolize things you probably don’t care about). Since this day you may have heard your
coworkers bosses greeting people with the expression L’Shana Tova, it means Happy New Year (try to keep up Cowboy fans).
Hebrew were sparsely attended. Santana Moss still
ensured that everyone had a religious experience.
I’d like to take this opportunity to say L’Shana Tova to my Washington Redskins (suck it Shanoff). Apparently their resolution was to get their asses in gear, two straight offensive explosions have put the Skins back on the NFC map (Sean Salisbury actually referred to the Redskins as “charging”, then my head exploded from the shock). While Joe Gibbs and Mark Brunell are slightly less jewish than a pork loin stuffed with lobster they seemed to have embraced the holiday spirit.
Similarly the Carolina Panthers are deserving of a second L’Shana Tova. The only thing sweeter than apples and honey are Steve Smith’s hamstrings…or something less homoerotic. Like Washington (and the jews), the steroid poppin’ Panthers used the High Holidays to right all their wrongs. Aside from the soon to be 8-0 Bears, the NFC is wide open.
After the celebration of Rosh Hashanah we jews spent yesterday in a more solemn mood. Yom Kippur (the holiest day of the calendar) is a time when we fast and finish up on all of our last minute repenting (I was going to set up an 800 number but Colbert stole my idea…without repenting!). Apparently the concept is not entirely limited to the Tribe, yesterday we saw two defensive linemen atone for the wrongs they’d recently committed. To them, I say “Mazel Tov!” (congratulations) on getting your name in the Book of Life (it’s like Santa’s list for jews) and encourage them further success in the next year.
The first mazel tov goes out to bonus baby extraordinaire, Mario Williams. Apparently Williams decided it was finally time to atone for the greatest sin of all…not being Reggie Bush (evil bastard!). On Sunday Williams recorded his first full sack and he tipped a pass on a 2 point convertion. The ensuing standing ovation showed that the Houston faithful were glad to accept his gratuitous repentance (i’ve always wanted to use that phrase).
My second mazel tov goes out to the same guy who has recently become public enemy number one in the sports world. Poor Albert Haynesworth, the guy was just following the instructions of his coach when he raked the face of Dallas Cowboy Andre Gurode (no matter what SportsCenter says I refuse to pronounce that “Gerard”, the same goes for Chone and Antawn). Once again Coach Ric Flair has gotten another player in trouble for a dirty underhanded trick that was his idea from the outset.
Fortunately for Haynesworth he was given an early exit to reflect on his vile transgressions. After seeing his children on his cellphone (all Titan players were given video phones to make up for living in Tennessee) he was left with plenty of time to contemplate and ask forgiveness for his actions. Thanks to the media throng Haynesworth was able to broadcast his repentence over the airwaves mere hours before the sunset deadline (it was like watching Speed only the acting was more convincing).
Even though his apology was probably good enough for God (the jewish one) the NFL sought fit to suspend Haynesworth for five games without pay. Thus proving once again that the NFL is bigger than Hashem. Sadly Haynesworth’s rage reemerged after a confrontation with his mentor later that night. Don’t worry Albert, you can repent for that next year (which will add to the already star-studded lineup featuring Mark Foley).
Good Yontif to all my jews, now I can go back to focusing 95% of my life on sports while I put my heritage on the back burner. See you in passover, until then my religion is pigskin…is that kosher?