Today, the Raiders and Jets both lost their eighth straight game of the season, and as a result, each team has been banished to Fall Experimental Football League, or FXFL, as part of the NFL’s new plan to steal an idea from the English premier League.
“Clearly, these inferior teams have no business in the NFL” said commissioner Roger Goodell, who is currently tied with Rex Ryan in a “who can inexplicably keep their job the longest” wager, and hopes this move will finally get Rex canned and earned him the victory. “Plus, maybe stealing an idea from British people will get those whiny liberals off my back. Liberals like British things, right?” Goodell then proceeded to eat raw puppy meat with Chris Brown while they both watched old Bing Crosby tapes.
The Raiders nearly avoided this fate, playing tough against the Seawhawks before a 30-24 loss, but it just wasn’t enough. “Let’s be honest,” Goodell said. “No one likes the Raiders and their wretched obnoxious fans anyway. Plus, they haven’t had a decent QB since Rich Gannon, and no, that one semidecent half season of Jason Campbell doesn’t count!”
Even Goodell’s harshest critics admitted that banishing the Jets and Raiders out of the NFL was the right move. “This was Goodell’s best decision since…ummm, how long has he been commissioner for? 2006? Yeah, that sounds about right. Definitely his best call since then.” said one NFL fan who preferred to remain anonymous rather than publicly admit to actually watching the NFL.
The news was greeted cheerfully by Michael Vick, who admitted he was way too tired of trying so damn hard anyway. “Yeah, I gotta be honest, when the Jets signed me, I thought I was signing up for the Madden show that ESPN used to air in 2007,” Vick said. “But beating some college washouts? I can probably do that. As long as I don’t have to practice or anything.”