Seahawks Fans: A Fanbase So Sour, It Can Only Be Safely Contained in a Magnetic Field

01.31.09 9 years ago 53 Comments

Because they harbor a delusion that tells them that we care, Seahawks fans are letting the world know that they would rather become the only team without a Super Bowl title in a division that includes the Rams and the Cardinals than see the Steelers win another one. Like the fellow in the video above, who went so far as to buy the hat of a division rival so that he may gain entry to the Cards bandwagon.

Not all C-Hox fans are decided, however. Regular KSK commenter J.L. White took the time to write us this lengthy e-mail (which I promise to finish reading one of these days) expressing his ambivalence about the contest. Uh, enjoy.

Dear President Obama:

We as a nation are faced with many challenges today, as we work to fix the mistakes of the past and at the same time make the future a brighter one for our children. There is no doubt that the economy, Iraq, and global warming require to be addressed both seriously and swiftly. You said during the inauguration that, “Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new.” Well sir, there is another challenge today that America must overcome very shortly, and it may require some new and creative thinking. Mr. President, I beseech you…..(pausing for dramatic effect)……please cancel this Super Bowl.

On the surface, this may sound like a heinous, almost un-American request. Did not both the Steelers and Cardinals reach t his match fairly? Are not both fanbases eagerly awaiting the outcome? Don’t millions upon millions of Americans celebrate this game not just as a championship match but as a chance to bond with their fellow man, shovel fried foods into their mouths for hours on end, and drink themselves to near unconsciousness? I say yes to all those questions, and I don’t ask this of you for any spiteful reasons (unlike what some festive primates might tell you.)

No sir, in fact I see this as an opportunity for all of America. I call not for the season to end this Sunday, but to be restarted so that we all can continue to enjoy America’s favorite sport throughout the doldrums of late winter and early spring. You also said during the inauguration that “Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life.” Do not the over 300 million citizens of this great nation deserve a chance to enjoy our favorite sport during the months we usually spend bored and waiting for its return?

Look, this Super Bow l, other than the glamour and prestige the event itself already has, is nothing special. As a basketball fan you’ll understand that the Arizona Cardinals are the L.A. Clippers of football. As for the Steelers, a grand majority of native Pittsburghers have fled the city many years ago, and most people who claim to be Steeler fans are really people who have no ties to any team, but like rooting for a team that has a cool-looking uniform and have been almost universally successful each of the past 40 years. Being one of these people, Mr. President, you should understand all too well.

Aside from these two fanbases (if you want to call what the Cardinals have a “fanbase,” that is) the rest of America will welcome a new season with open arms, even if it must be abbreviated to 8 or 12 weeks, so not to interfere with the Final Four. We will still have a Super Bowl when everything is said and done, and if these two teams make it back to the Promised Land once again, nobody should resent it. The sacrifices of a few hundred millionaire football players and the few dozen billionaire football owners should not outweigh the benefits to the rest of us. Not only will the nation’s morale improve, but more people will be employed to keep the stadiums ope n and to feed all the football fans while they root for their favorite teams. For once a truly bold initiative must spring forth from Washington, and I can think of nothing bolder than this.

During you inauguration you said, “We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus — and non-believers.” Well, we are also a nation of Packer fans, Colt fans, Giant fans, Dolphin fans, Seahawk fans and Cowboy fans. Instead of being divided 30 ways we can finally be united toward a single goal. This is but one example of what our imagination can achieve when joined with a common purpose. Join us, Mr. President, and carry forth that great gift of football and deliver it safely to future generations.

God Bless you and God Bless the United States of America!


J.L. White

Stirring missive, J.L. Let’s see what Barry had to say.

Yep. That’s a burn. Won’t blame you. You voted for Brian Russell.

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