Sean Payton and the XBox Kid

06.09.09 8 years ago 35 Comments

Movie executive: All right, Sean. I’ve already gotten some details on your movie, but I want to hear it from you. Make me see your movie. Lay it out for me.

Sean Payton: The project’s called “The Xbox Kid.” Main character is a poor kid in the Lower Ninth Ward, lost both of his parents in Katrina. Now he’s living with his aunt. He’s really down and out. Getting into a lot of trouble. So his aunt starts forcing him to go to church, but he’s not really into it. As a gag he prays for the Saints to win the Super Bowl. He gets this dream, this vision that he takes the team there himself. He wakes up, thinks nothing of it. Plays some Madden on XBox. Comes to see that the actual Saints game on Sunday plays out just as his Madden game did. He chalks it up to coincidence, but then it happens the same the next week. That triggers it for him. He gets excited, starts telling people, but no one buys it.

So he writes an e-mail to the Saints coach, laying out everything to him, even how the next game is going to play out based on his Madden game. And it happens. The coach is amazed, meets up with him, almost becomes like a father figure. Teaches him some fundamentals of the game, so the kid gets even better at Madden. Together, they lead the franchise to its first-ever Super Bowl, bringing hope and distraction to the people around him. Who does the team end up playing? Of course, the horrible cheating juggernaut Patriots. Word gets out about this kid being our lucky charm, so Bill Belichick breaks into his house and steals his XBox. Kid can’t find it, can’t get it back. In fact, Belichick smashes it to pieces. It’s a very Angels in the Outfield-like end scenario. The coach is distraught. The team is shaken. But then they discover they had the Breesus within them all along and pull it out in the end.

Executive: Interesting.

I like it. Really, I do. In fact, I was already giving it some thought and I think I have the perfect actor in mind for the part of the kid.

[Into intercom] Hey Tracy, send him in.

Executive: You’ve seen Role Models right?

Sean Payton: Oh yeah, I remember. That was funny.

Bobb’e J. Thompson: What’s good, mahfucka?

[Fist bumps with movie exec]

[Looking at Payton] Who’s this fucking faggot?

Movie executive; [Laughs hysterically, wipes away tear] Man, this kid always cracks my shit up. Bobb’e, this guy wrote the thing about the Madden playing kid with the football team.

Bobb’e: That shit? Man, that was wack as fuck. You know what we should do with that?

Movie exec: What’s that?

Bobb’e: First, we need to get me face deep in some Kim Kardashian ass. Ain’t doing this shit unless we make that happen. Next, this kid needs more credit. In the movie, the press should find out the team is winning because of the kid, so this limp dick bama gets fired, like, six weeks into the season. So then we got this long scene with Sean Payton, out of work, sucking dick for Ramen Noodles.

Movie exec: [Cracking up] Oh, that’s good. That’s good.

Sean Payton: Yeah, I don’t think that’s –

Bobb’e: Actually, I think we should change the name of the movie to “Sean Payton Sucks Dick For Ramen Noodles.”

Movie exec: Not bad. Can we get a subtitle?

Bobb’e: How’s this: “Sean Payton Sucks Dick For Ramen Noodles: Shrimp Flavor”?

[Sean Payton sits stunned]

Bobb’e: And we need to get some CGI animal to play one of their players. What the fuck is Kangaroo Jack up to? He’s a funny mahfucka. Make him one of the linebackers or something. Maybe Sean Payton can suck his dick. How would you like some CGI dick in your mouth, Sean?

Movie exec: I’m telling, right here, right now, I can’t greenlight this shit fast enough. I’m even gonna fast track it in front of the Where’s Waldo movie.

Bobb’e: You got something for me in that, right?

Movie exec: Sassy black kid in the frame, 26th from the right. Wearing the same hat as Waldo to throw people off?

Bobb’e: THAT’S MY BOY!

[The two fist bump]

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