KSK Mailbag: Stop with the ‘FAN 12’ Jerseys, Seattle

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A little bit of news before we dive in to this week’s mailbag: when this NFL season ends, so will my tenure at KSK. I’ll be writing a mailbag next week, then I’ll be absent a week while I’m running around Phoenix before the Super Bowl, then I’ll write my final mailbag on February 5th. I will remain a close friend and reader of the blog, but I just don’t have anything of substance left to contribute. The mailbag will be better off with fresh eyes and younger hands. Let’s all agree to not make a big deal out of it, okay? There’s already too much of me on the internet.

Anyway, if you’ve got questions for one of the final two mailbags, send ’em here. On to your emails:

KSK,
First, fantasy. I totally sucked dick in one of my leagues this year thanks to me picking terrible running backs like Adrian Peterson and Ray Rice. Anyway, I’m going to be drafting last next year so what is your recommended strategy for taking the last 1st round pick and 1st 2nd round pick?

I actually enjoy picking at the end of the first round — unlike the first overall pick, there’s no feeling of “oh fuck this guy better be awesome there are 22 picks before I get another player.” Don’t get locked into a predetermined strategy (“I have to get a running back” or “I’m definitely going WR-QB”). Just take two players that you absolutely KNOW kick ass. Antonio Brown kicks ass. Dez Bryant kicks ass. Aaron Rodgers kicks ass. Rob Gronkowski kicks ass. Don’t pick a player on a new team. Don’t pick a wideout with a new quarterback. Don’t pick a running back you openly loathe. Get the sure things.

Second, love life. I need to break up with my boyfriend of one year. It’s going to suck- he wants to marry me and put babies in my “baby garage.” (Yes, he calls it my baby garage).

I mean, that’s just not accurate. A garage is a structure that allows for easy, regular ingress and egress, and any mother can tell you that the egress of a baby from the womb is not done with the click of a garage door opener. And you’re definitely not taking the fetus out for a spin on the weekends before putting it back in the garage.

It’s more of a fetus oven.

We live together (HUGE mistake I know) and I have all the logistics to get me out. But, any tips on what to say? I know it’s going to suck no matter what but is there anything I can do to make it suck slightly less? Also, should I do it mid-week or the weekend?

Thanks,
Hingle McCringleberry

Treat it like a firing and do it early Friday evening. That gives him the whole weekend to pick up the shattered pieces of his life before he goes back to work.

For most people, when you break up with someone, your inclination is to be as nice as possible. You want to assure them that you’re not a bad person, that you DO really care for them, that you DID really mean it when you said, “I love you.” You sit there politely for hours as the dumpee claws for purchase and drives the conversation in maddening circles by repeating the same questions.

And you know what? That doesn’t help. He’s going to wallow and he’s (probably) going to be angry, and there’s no reason for you to be there while he lives out a Dashboard Confessional album. Deliver the bad news, talk to him about it for a reasonable amount of time, then get the hell out of the house with your most valuable possessions. You don’t need to be there in order for him to be sad.

PS I’m a Steelers fan living in Seattle, so super fun watching my team get fucked in the ass by Joe Flacco while the Seahawks can’t be stopped. Karma.

At least the Ravens lost?

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Captain,
In this stupid hiring season were in there seems to be a recent trend with this stupid “great hire!” and winning the press conference BS. I mean come on most seahawks fans (like myself) were pumped about the Jim Mora era and if Twitter was a thing then there would have been the same “great hire” stuff from football Twitter.

Why is this a thing? Please make it stop.

I very clearly remember NOT being pumped about Jim Mora, but I also wasn’t super-enthusiastic about Pete Carroll. And you know why? Because coaching hires make fans their truest selves. If you’re a homer to the bone, then you’ll say “Great hire!” no matter what. If you’re a downtrodden type (‘sup, Cleveland), then you’re more likely to sigh and slump your shoulders. And if you allow a little space in your fandom for more honest analysis, you’re probably more enthusiastic about hiring a hotshot young coordinator than a boring retread. Like, Teryl Austin MIGHT be an awesome head coach! That sliver of hope is better than a mediocre known quantity like Marty Schottenheimer.

One more question. There is a definite distinction between Hawks fans and the “12s.” Seahawks 12th man fans are getting insufferable. We’ve got that psycho hulk fan begging for money for tickets.

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Wait, really? (*googles*)

Aw man, that’s kind of sad. Apparently he didn’t get paid for the Chunky Soup commercial. C’mon, that’s a national campaign, man! You have to demand scale.

I’d prefer to not become a universally hated fanbase now that the Hawks are winning. Any way to make this stop?
Not a 12,
Ryan

Personally, I think the FAN 12 jerseys are the fucking stupidest thing about Seahawk fandom. I don’t care about paying Texas A&M to use The 12th Man, and the 12 flags everywhere are cool by me. But the FAN 12 jerseys, man. I KNOW THAT YOU’RE A FAN, YOU’RE WEARING A SEAHAWKS JERSEY.

I suspect the Seahawks’ stadium experience is part of the reason for this scourge. There’s this mindset that you have a job as a fan at the CLink. Sure, you can drink beer and high-five your buddies, but you are there with a DUTY to make noise. You scream yourself hoarse until the opponent finally false-starts, and then you’re like, “*I* did that! *I* affected the game. ME.” And then you go out and get a jersey that says FAN because you think you’re a part of the team.

Anyway, to answer your question: No. Everyone hates fans of successful teams. Even if you’re polite and don’t talk trash and do everything “right,” your politeness will take on an air of smugness — just look at St. Louis Cardinals fans.

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What’s Uffdog,
Fantasy first: I’m in the first year of a new keeper league and have some tough choices moving forward. My team “Is Joe Flacco Elite?” (sry nt srry pftcommenter) went 13-1 during the regular season and then crapped the bed in the playoffs and I ended up taking third. I have to pick five players to keep for next season, draft position doesn’t matter as we will do a snake draft based on this years standings and don’t give up picks for our keepers. NFL.com league with standard scoring.

Potential keepers consist of:
QB – Russell Wilson
RB – Shady McCoy, Andre Ellington
WR – Antonio Brown, Jordy Nelson, Josh Gordon
TE – Greg Olsen

As good as Olsen was at the start of the season I think he can be scratched off the list. I would say Wilson, Nelson and Brown are probably keepers for sure and after that I’m at a loss.

I agree about your first three keepers.

Do I take a flyer and hope Gordon returns to form (I can play him in my flex) or keep both RB’s who each have their cons?

Keep Gordon and Shady. Even with a down season, McCoy still warrants a first-round pick. And the insane ceiling for Josh Gordon makes him a better option than Ellington, who didn’t exactly make the strongest case to be an every-down back this year.

Personal: Happily married and we have an amazing 9 month old son. He used to sleep great and now the last few weeks he’s up 3 x per night. All I can say is good luck to you, sir. Since that wasn’t a question, I urge you to check out Brook Burke who looks pretty darn good for 43.

Hell yeah she does. Wait, she had cancer? I had no idea.

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Dear Mr. Ufford,
I found out from my doctor recently that I’m more than likely allergic to certain things in alcohol and possibly alcohol. The only way to confirm which drinks I can have is to “experiment.” Essentially have one drink and see if I vomit or feel extremely sick, I’ll pass.

The reason for bringing this up is I’m a college student and I wanted to know how I would approach telling others (see: opposite gender) who would want to drink as a date activity or as a way to socialize that I’m going to pass. What would you suggest as alternate activities? Sorry for such a simple question but I’m blanking on how I should proceed.

Thanks,
Spray Tan

First of all, I recommend experimenting even if it means some vomiting. What if you’re allergic to beer but not wine? Vodka but not whiskey? What if you can enjoy a single beer if you drink it slowly? That seems like something worth finding out for sure. Otherwise you’ll end up saying something like, “I can’t drink because I’m allergic. Well, the doctors think I’m allergic. I never did the tests they recommended.” Then people are going to think you’re one of those fake-asses pretending to have a gluten allergy.

Regardless, college is a tough time to be a non-drinker. Meeting a teetotaler makes a lot of people uncomfortable about their own drinking, and even though you’ll find plenty of people who accept that you don’t drink, you’ll still end up feeling very alone at the end of a night when you’re the lone sober person in a roomful of wasted idiots.

Still, I don’t think you need to try to avoid going to bars. My wife is a non-drinker, and she put me at ease by insisting that she didn’t mind everyone else drinking — then she backed it up by being really funny and confident in herself. She owned it (and still does). You can, too.

P.S. You’re not allergic to weed, are you?

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Cap’n,
Fantasy first: I can keep two players in my twelve man league, and since we clearly don’t believe in consequences there is no loss of draft pick regardless of who you keep. Its a no-brainer to keep Gronk, but I can’t decide between AJ Green and Sammy Watkins. With Rex coming to Buffalo I’m not exactly optimistic about an offensive renaissance for the Bills, but AJ has be worried that he’s not going to return to his once great heights. Thoughts between the two?

I’d want to wait to see what Buffalo does about its QB situation, but in the meantime lets look at their stat lines for 2014:

  • Watkins: 65 catches on 128 targets for 982 yards and 6 TDs in 16 games
  • Green: 69 catches on 116 targets for 1041 yards and 6 TDs in 13 games

Watkins was limited by a groin injury midway through the season; Green also battled injury while having his worst fantasy season as a pro, but still put up better numbers than Watkins in three fewer games. I expect better number from both players next season, but Green’s more established with his quarterback, more of a proven commodity, and he’ll be playing in the final year of his contract year. Keep Green.

Sex/Relationships: I’m a pretty normal 24 year old guy, but I find it extremely difficult to orgasm from a blowjob. And by difficult, I mean that I can count on one hand the number of times it has happened. I have no problem finishing if I’m having normal sex, but the fact that I can’t get off thanks to my lady friend’s oral ministrations has caused her to get a little offended.

I’m gonna start using that phrase. “Madame, I am ready for your oral ministrations.”

I’m happy to go down on her, but she seems to think that there’s a problem that I can make her orgasm that way but she can’t do the same. I can’t be the only person who just isn’t a huge fan of blowjobs, right?
With my sincerest regards,
Chuck

You are not the only one. In fact, I’m the same way — or at least similar enough. When I first became sexually active, I never wanted to come from a blowjob because then I wouldn’t be able to have sex, and I liked sex better than blowjobs, so I developed a sort of mental block (or maybe a physical one?) from reaching orgasm from oral ministrations, as the kids call it these days.

The good news: it’s not a huge deal. We all have our little foibles and peccadilloes during sex — positions we prefer, itches that need to be scratched, crying sessions after it’s over — that most understanding humans accept and even embrace, because we all like getting laid. The more you can communicate your girlfriend what you like — what specific things feel good, techniques she can use, hand position & frequency, etc — the better her blowjob will suit your particular preferences. Along with that, you need to assure her how good it all feels and how much you enjoy it even though you’re not coming … and maybe provide a manual assist to finish when her jaw gets tired. It’s the gentlemanly thing to do.

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