The fine folks at Reddit appear to spend their lives in front of the computer, but they seldom fall short in life experiences. The best AskReddit threads are those that reveal occupational hazards. We’ve heard from bartenders (who get judgey about your orders), nurses (who tire of your bodily functions), porn stars (with equally strong stomachs), truckers (who hold the advantage of height), customer service agents (who hear what you say on hold), and haunted house employees (who don’t think much of you at all).
Now Reddit is getting real with stories from security guards. Those poor folks are generally racked with boredom. So, when they see something go down, you’d better believe they take it all in with interest unless someone’s being harmed or burglarized. These guards often remain hidden from sight (although one is usually front and present as a warning). Let’s get to some far-out stories of what these guards have observed and reported:
OliverFriends starts off this thread, and he’s got picture proof of his story:
“While working at a department store at the end of a strip mall, I saw a bobcat run past the doors, heading towards Target. Several seconds later, I saw a mother, father, and two children go running past in the same direction. A few minutes later, the family walked back past the doors, with the father carrying the bobcat. A big, f*ck off bobcat. It was kinda odd.”
This story from LadyTank probably happens all too often, maybe even to you:
“I once saw a guy try to push open a ‘pull’ door and smack his head on the glass. He then looked around to make sure no one saw. I saw you, guy, and I laughed at you.”
There’s more to this story from iscreamwhenipee, I just know it:
“I make my round over to the cameras and see a group of miners by the shaft in one big circle. ‘Wtf?’ And they’re all just staring down this shaft waiting for the elevator thing to come back up and when it finally came up from underground, there was a cow in the shaft. They open the gate and instead of making the cow leave, they all crowd by it and go back underground with the cow. By this point I radio in to the one of the main guys underground asking why there’s a cow in the shaft. Apparently, one of the miners found her and brought her underground as a prank, lost her for a week, and now [she] won’t leave. I ended up having to call animal control and they eventually lured her out but I’ll never forget looking at that screen and seeing all those guys nonchalantly crowd around the cow to go underground like it was no big deal.”
This story from ChewedGummieBears sounds like a saucy Cinemax movie:
“I saw 3 casino floor waitresses go to a storeroom behind a bar the pulling their tops down and comparing breast sizes and feeling each other for bounciness. Apparently one of them just got implants and they were comparing them to the real thing. This went on for over 5 minutes then they pulled their tops back up and went to work like it was nothing.”
YourAnimeMom tells a story that sounds dreadful to witness:
“I volunteered working at a jail once. A guy jumped off his bunk and broke his ankle so bad that it looked like a < from the front. He passed out from the pain, I passed out looking at it.”
J-sap saw a very scary altercation and collateral damage happen:
“Two male friends started getting into it. One pulls a tire iron out of the back of his truck. The second quickly goes to his car and pulls out a golf club. They start acting like two gorillas showing how tough they can be. The one with the tire iron starts swinging it around above his head when it slips out of his hand and hits a kid who was walking by with his parents. By coincidence the cops show up at the exact same time. They were pretty brutal stopping that fight.”
HowsoHughes learned firsthand why drugs are such bad news:
“The single weirdest thing was probably when a naked guy on PCP was being chased by police. He broke through the thick window glass on the driver’s side of a Mercedes to evade capture. The officer said he didn’t even flinch when he got tasered.”
Poor Bmc00 found himself in the middle of co-worker cheating drama:
“Doing a stroll through the parking lot of a factory I was a guard at once. Noticed some commotion in a vehicle, so I shined my flashlight into the window. I busted Manager A with Manager B’s wife. It was slightly awkward.”
AzrealLPW takes the chips with this tasteless tale of woe:
“I worked security at a casino and a children’s mental hospital (not at the same time). At the hospital the best was a parent wailing on a psychiatrists car with a bat because they didn’t like that he pointed out their anger management issues. At the casino I saw a guy shovel $80,000 worth of chips into his underpants when the dealer turned her back.”
GeneralHammerf*ck gave some real entertainment to these hotel guests:
“I worked at a hotel and we had a group of college kids come ask us if we had security footage of the pool area between 3-5 a.m. They were all excited about it so we pulled it up. At around 3 a.m. you see them sneak in and about 30 minutes later they started a drunken belly flop competition and wanted us to tell them who won. One of them did about five perfect belly flops in a row. I am talking NO FEAR, grade A belly flops. We told him that he won and he raised his hands up in celebration, got a funny look on his face and ran outside to puke.”
(Via Reddit)