Good morning, football fans. We’re happy to inform you that our resident Redskins fan and gambling addict, one Unsilent Majority, is still alive this morning — if just a teeeeeeeeensy bit touchy — despite the Redskins playing the role of Monica Bellucci in Irreversible yesterday. In fact, he’ll be along later with some good ol’ homerade if we can get him to pull his head out of the oven.
In the meantime, let’s take a look back on Maj’s gambling advice over the last several weeks.
The New England Patriots are the NFL’s version of blood diamonds, they may be evil and tainted but they’ll make you rich! Richer than astronauts! Do you want to know how you too can actually enjoy the diabolical reign of Belichick and company? Of course you do! How else are you going to pay off your student loans from that semester at DeVry? Follow my three easy steps (plus one fuckin’ complicated step) to success and soon you’ll have a boat filled with gorgeous women like you were some sort of brilliant midget with a twin brother in tow.
1. BET HEAVILY ON THE PATRIOTS POINT SPREAD
2. MASTURBATE FOR 3 HOURS
3. COLLECT YOUR WINNINGS
4. EAT CAVIAR OUT OF A HOOKER’S ASS
Yep, it’s really that easy. Now go sell all of your earthly possessions (yes, your daughter counts) and take the proceeds directly to your offshore bookie of choice.
New England -17 vs. Cleveland
I’ve now increased my bet on New England for the third consecutive week. Now we’re up to a $100 wager, by the end of the season I’ll be living here.
New England -17 at Miami
Washington +17 -115 at New England
I’ve bet on the Pats every single week this season so it’s been easy to tell what’s going on here. They kept covering so Vegas kept raising the spreads… But now the Pats are playing an actual team (disclaimer: team may not have actual coach) with a defense rated in at or near the top of the league in every relevant category. I’m not saying that I’m picking my Skins to win outright, but Jesus fucking Siddhartha, they’re certainly more capable than the incompetent pussybaskets of the AFC East.