Sh*tcanned: Mike Shanahan

12.30.13 4 years ago 45 Comments



Mike, Mike, Mike. One year ago today, it was the morning after you had claimed the Redskins first NFC East title since people were getting Cherry Poppin’ Daddies tattoos. But a lot has changed in D.C. in 2013, and Mike found himself on the wrong side of Dan Snyder along with every other person in the world who is above 5’4″.

The wheels came off when: Shanahan kept Robert Griffin in a game after injuring his knee and continued to allow his son to call running plays. Griffin, of course, shredded his ACL on the FedEx field turf and things were never quite the same.

His record: .375 (24-64). Take out last year and it’s 14-58.

Why you shouldn’t feel bad for him: Dan Snyder has to pay him $7 million to do precisely nothing. Anytime you can get Dan Snyder to lose seven figures in a business arrangement, you’re doing something right.

What he had to do to save his job: Play Kirk Cousins at the start of the year. If the Redskins had managed to go 2-4 to start the season, and then brought RG3 back, he could make an argument for a lost year. Instead he fucked things up colossally by bringing back an ailing QB and then benching him for the last three games “for his health.”

Helpful Google search results: Screen shot 2013-12-30 at 8.42.06 AM

Who fired him? This man


Where is he going? Shit, I don’t know. Some place family friendly where they’ll let him use the offensive side of the ball as daycare. Possibly Houston. The Shanahans are the modern day traveling family of snake oil salesmen, roaring into town with big promises until Kyle burns down the church and gets your daughter pregnant. Despite having shown absolutely nothing beyond drafting RG3, a couple of good RBs, and a TE, the man has two Super Bowl rings which will be enough to sucker the Texans into paying him $5 million a year for 4 years. The American dream.

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