Sneak Peek At One Of The 2000 Questionnaires The NFL Sent To LA Fans

10.22.14 3 years ago 64 Comments

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Congratulations!

You are one of the lucky 2000 Angelenos selected by The Shield to participate in a study to gauge your interest in an NFL team returning to your your fair city.

How were you selected? Who knows. Perhaps you have spent a certain amount of dollars at the NFL shop in recent years, or bought tickets to an NFL game despite living in a city without an NFL team. Maybe you signed something at one of the many Farmers Field events in exchange for a free keychain. Perhaps you have paid for NFL Sunday Ticket for the past decade. Or just maybe, you have done all of the above and that’s why we had your email address so readily available.

But a quiz to help Lord Rog and the rest of the owners? How long can this possibly take.

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Okay. Entering my email address so I can only answer this questionnaire once and not send it a few thousand of my KSK and Kommentariat friends. FINE, but it would be totally awesome if we moved the needle and got say the New Orleans Saints to move here just for fun.

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Sure, right now I am a fan of the NFL, but if you would have asked me this question just about six weeks ago, not sure if you would have liked my response.

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You’re the league that knows to send me catalogs with Steelers merch highlighted, you tell me.

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Yes. Sort of. Most years. Bi-annually? No, semi-annually. Wait, semi-annually means twice a year. Fuck, every year although as of right now I don’t have tickets to an NFL game but I do have tickets to a Champions League game. Same thing.

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One. Unless it is two. Sometimes three. Damn, this is complicated. Okay, better put down one since I have more one years than three years in Los Angeles.

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Steelers and whatever team is playing the Steelers mixed in with occasional Charger games that also happen to be Steeler games.

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“My company” is me, a freelance writer and reader (yes, that is a real job), so no. And if my husband’s employer has season tickets, they’re up in Silicon Valley and we’re not seeing them, but he doesn’t think they have them either. There is an outside chance they have Sharks tickets, but not sure that counts.

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My heart says “Neutral” but my gut says “Somewhat Negative” because all of the talk about building by Dodger Stadium. I live relatively close to Dodger Stadium and the last thing I want is something making traffic at Fletcher and Riverside worse.

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No, because odds are you are not moving my favorite team here. Even if you were, it would make me pretty greedy.

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FINE. If you build it I will come, novelty and all.

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Wouldn’t it be great if we could all check “Very Important” to all six of these options? Too bad this is LA and there is no way you can have parking for tailgating, public transit AND entertainment all in one place.

Fine, I’ll give up… Public Transit, only because I know there is no way that’s getting better any time soon around here. We’ll have 16 NFL teams in LA before Beverly Hills lets the subway pass through their end of town.

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No. Go lots of games, but no.

Wait, do my approximately 75,000 Arclight points count? I should have a plaque put on any N 22 seat at the Arclight.

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No, if I could afford those I wouldn’t have time to answer this survey, I’d be too busy sailing the Lakers 4VAH around Catalina.

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If I could afford those, I’d be shipping Lakers 4VAH down to Tahiti for the winter.

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Now that we’ve established I cannot afford a yacht, sure. I’ll buy some NFL tickets if you’ll still have me.

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So like a new brand, an old brand or a witness relocation like the Raiders?

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FINE, JUST TELL ME I’M GOING TO BE STUCK WITH THE RAMS NOW.

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This is like asking for a Coke and getting a Pepsi. Mind you, I like Pepsi, but this is what it feels like.

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What’s my second favorite team? What sort of NFL fans are you looking for?

Having second favorite teams is for baseball fans who pick AL and NL teams.

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Whatever you offer, I’m sure it’s going to better than a Dodger Dog.

Crap, I just realized you’re going to sell Dodgers Dogs, aren’t you? Angelenos are such size queens when it comes to meat tubes.

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Hey now, this is starting to get very specific.

We’ve gone from messing around with the idea of having an NFL team to where I would potentially want to sit in this imaginary stadium.

*Looks down at progress bar.*

How much longer?!?

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Fine, I’ll be honest. I’m sure I cannot afford sideline tickets, not without yacht money. Maybe I can dream of corner seats on the lower level.

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You already asked if I was an NFL fan. Of course I know what a PSL is in this modern age of “owning” the right to spend money. Much like every trip to Vegas, you need to spend money to spend money.

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You’re already telling me the cost of a preseason game is going to be the same as a regular season game? Can I go back and change my answer about being a fan of the NFL?

Crap, this looks like a lot of math. Hold on. So if tickets cost x-amount and the PSL is x-amount…

Hmmm. Going on to the next one.

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Okay, tickets are the same price but the PSL is lower. Crap, now I have to go back and adjust my answer to the last question to make it look less favorable for this more favorable terms.

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Wait, now the tickets are even cheaper and the PSL is less. I need to go back and change the last two answers.

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Now the ticket is cheaper but the PSL is back to being $10K. How much did that work out to be in the first ticket question? Do I need to adjust the past three answers now?

Wait, is this even the best deal? I don’t even know anymore.

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DON’T GET ALL CRANKY AT ME RED BOX FOR NOT ANSWERING THE QUESTION I’M TRYING TO DO SOME MATH RIGHT NOW.

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Hmmmm. Well, there are two if us, but what if we want to have friends at the game? Or use two more seats as income PSLs? Or what if we have kids?

Okay, two. Just two. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.

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Well I really don’t know, I guess it would really depend on the interest rate, which I do not see here. Paying for everything at once means probably not taking vacations for a few years, but I hate paying for anything besides our house with interest.

This question really needs more details. Fine, with interest but I’m not happy with this answer.

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Corner and end zone seats are only a $25 difference? I should have picked lower level sideline, but hell if I am going back twenty questions to fix that.

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Math question…

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Math question… Wait. Need to go back and change the last answer again.

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Math question I’m still not sure I’m answering correctly…

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Math question…

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Still just two, didn’t have a baby between the last answer and now, although with the length of the questionnaire, it’s not out of the realm of possibility by the time we get to the end of the test.

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Same as the last time you asked this…

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AGAIN WITH THE OPTIONS.

Although PSLs are much cheaper up here. At least that’s interesting.

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Math… go back and change the last answer.

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Math… go back and change the last answer again…

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Don’t know anymore… Whatever, man. Just tell me about a team coming to LA already.

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Enough about the prices. Tell me who I am going to be sitting by with these seats. I’m starting to worry I’m committing myself to sitting with jerks, douchebags and drunks for the next ten years up here.

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Maybe I’ve gone too cheap.

Wait, what is wrong with me? Too cheap?!? I’m answering questions about spending $2000 grand a year on two tickets I don’t even own yet. That’s a decent Gucci bag a year, a trip out of town, a flight to Paris or Rome. All for the privilege of not being able to take a purse into a stadium, some drunk person fighting me, and the possibility of watching the Rams.

As a wise man once said, “This deal is getting worse all the time.”

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Yeah, whatever. Sure.

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Should I call our CPA and ask what he thinks? Where is the little pop-up that tells me if I can write off any of this on our taxes.

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Still just two, although at these prices, why not go for four! Six! Eight! I’ll sell of my extras in my Etsy shop.

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Admit it, you have no idea what you would charge for an interest rate. Some survey, Lord Rog.

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What asshole answers all of the previous tickets pricing plan questions and then toggles “I would not purchase tickets” as their selection?

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“Some fans” like to do what now? Ticket brokers. TICKET BROKERS do that.

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Other? That’s the best slight against the Valley/anything west of Calabasas I’ve ever seen.

You have to love that the IE and Orange County are considered, but no one ever mentions heading towards Ventura. That’s Cowboys Country, YEEEEEHAAAAAH.

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I don’t know, how far are we talking in Riverside or the OC? If you say Anaheim, I’m out.

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So let me get this straight. You want me to commit money to spending money on tickets when I have no idea what team could be playing in the stadium.

This is the worst game of “Let’s Make A Deal” yet.

(Insert a “What’s in the box?” joke here.)

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So not only do we have to buy our rights to buy tickets before a team even is announced, we need to know where?

This is when you really have to hand it to the NFL. Just the sheer audacity of this proposal is staggering.

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So we don’t know where the team is going to play, who the team is going to be, but we need you to go ahead and give us your money.

Goddamn, who answers “I would still purchase tickets” to this question? Can you slip them my number? I too have some investment opportunities I would like to discuss with them.

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Oh, I see we are back to the two-team scenario. That’s cute. I remember when you sold that to the last mayor, Mayor Villaraigosa, and he said it to get funding for impact studies for Farmers Field, and I said it to other bloggers and everyone laughed and laughed and said I was crazy, the league wasn’t considering two teams for LA.

Hmmm hm.

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So the lesser team that is here will be cheaper? You know that’s not the Lakers-Clippers set up anymore?

Oh shit, you’re banking on that, aren’t you?

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Does it even matter? Do we really have any say on what team is moving to LA, if you move a team? 2000 answers do not really trump whatever ponzi scheme you’ve got going with other stadiums in other cities.

Shit, are we being used for smokescreen again?

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There are like two dozen USC-Pete Carroll fans hoping he comes back.

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Yes. If you spend a lot of our money, you better put more than an NFL team in the stadium.

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All of them, even the religious one. Always wanted to see a Sun Myung Moon mass wedding. Wait, he’s dead? Well, whatever, all of them. Do not let that building sit empty, unless you build by Dodger Stadium and then I hate you.

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Mt. Washington. LA one, not Pittsburgh one.

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Female, although I do not see what my gender expression has to do with this questionnaire.

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35-44, but you never ask a lady that question.

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Well that is just rude. You should never ask about someone’s finances. Didn’t your parents teach you any manners?

I’m answering, but just know it ain’t from any hot blog money, I’ll tell you that much.

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Sure, but I doubt you’re going to ask me to any of them after I post this article on an NFL site.

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Don’t you already have this information? I gave you my email contact at the start of the questionnaire. Or is this a trick to see if it is all still the same person?

More importantly, will there be snacks?

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NO. You cannot sell me tickets yet.

Feel like I’ve been had and this was all a long con to go in on a timeshare with Goodell and Robert Kraft.

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After all of that, after all of those questions and the last thirty minutes of my time, you want me to offer feedback and suggestions.

Well, some of us have to get back to work and are in a hurry. Short and sweet, and saying, “DON’T MOVE THE RAMS” seems cold.

So there is my answer. My truthful, what should happen answer because I do not think you can inconvenience a city of this size, expect us to spend this much money when so many other infrastructure problems need to be addressed — don’t let Magic and his Olympic bid fool you, we need help — for only one team. Two new teams for this country’s most diverse city, looking to the future with a clean break from the past, Los Angeles.

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KSK

And of course you end by redirecting us to the NFL.com home page.

Had it be up to me, I would have ended it on NFL.com/IndianapolisColts/MovingTrucks just for laughs. Need to have a sense of humor with these things, even if it is screwing another city out its franchise.

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