So, You Have Two Hands? We Have a Job Opening for You

09.11.08 9 years ago 29 Comments

[Seahawks practice facility]

Mike Holmgren: As you all know, we’ve had some tough breaks at this position this year. Deion Branch is recovering from knee surgery. Bobby Engram’s got a broken shoulder. Ben Obomanu’s out with a broken collarbone. And now Nate Burleson with an ACL tear. I expect you folks to be able to step it up. Who are you people now?

[Courtney Taylor, Jordan Kent, Samie Parker, and Billy McMullen introduce themselves]

Holmgren: Kent, you’re fired. Pack your bags.

Kent: Seriously? Your top four receivers are injured, and you need four more, and I can’t be on the team?

Holmgren: I’m sorry, son, we’ve only got room for 8th-string receivers here. Beat it.

Now the rest of you hit the practice field. I want you to get some reps with the first team.

[Taylor performs a double move and catches a post pattern in stride.  He then falls to the turf, holding his upper leg. A trainer attends to him.]

Holmgren:  What is it?  Hamstring?

Trainer: No, his hamstring’s fine.

Holmgren: Phew!

Trainer: Looks like a severed femoral artery.  If the paramedics don’t get here in two minutes he’ll die.

Holmgren: Oh.

Trainer: Yeah.

Holmgren: Ummm… Parker!

[Samie Parker does a nice catch-and-run off a slant.  Tackled after twenty yards, he lays on the ground holding his stomach. The trainer, worried, signals for the team doctor.]

Holmgren: What now?

Doctor: I’m sorry… I’m afraid it’s… it’s canker.

Holmgren:  Canker?  You mean cancer?  My receiver has cancer?

Doctor: Oh no, this is much more deadly.  He died three minutes ago.

Holmgren: Daggummit.  McMullen!  Go out there and show me what you got!  And try not to killed, okay?

[McMullen makes a diving catch falling out of bounds.  His upper body lands in an unattended wood chipper.]

Holmgren: Oh jeez.  I knew we shouldn’t have kept that there.  Seneca, looks like you’re starting on Sunday.

Seneca Wallace: Aw hell naw.

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